David Phillips quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Ray Langston

What's the angriest you've ever been?

Nick Stokes

I've been mad enough to kill somebody. Didn't do it. What about you?

Ray Langston

High threshold. Short fuse.

David Phillips

Me, too. In high school, I vented my frustrations by devising elaborate tortures for my classmates. In comic book form, of course.

Nick Stokes

Well, whether the killer woke up this morning intending to beat this guy to death or not, right now, he's a new man with a new plan. And a big, fat secret.

Ray Langston

Secrets are hard to keep.

David

Knocked over by a car, fell down a well, attacked by coyotes, poisoned by a spider, lost in a cave, traded for a Mike Schmitt rookie baseball card, and my favorite, [Sara walks in] given to a farm. Allegedly.

Henry

The tragic fates of the Phillips' family dogs.

Catherine

Oh, David, suck it up. [sees the body] There he is.

David

Yep, he's dead.

David, you think you have a hard job?

David

Well, Officer, I am the one who has to haul him out of here.

David

When a man is dead, a man is dead. Why keep killing him?

Ray

Either you're very angry or you're having too much fun to stop.

David

Hey, did you know that coyotes won't eat the flesh of crystal meth users?

Ray

Really?

David

It's true. I read it. They can sense that the stuff is poison.

Ray

Well, that places them at a higher evolutionary mark than a good deal of human beings.

Ray

Anything printed on the keychain?

David

[joking] If found eaten by animals, please call...

Ray

David.

David

Sorry.

David

Looks like a .22.

Dr. Robbins

Used to be the preferred caliber for mobsters and assassins.

David

[with a rap accent] Nowadays they go for a Glock four-oh.

Dr. Robbins

Thank you, Ten Cent. Why don't you move him to autopsy, and try not to bust any rhymes on the way out.

Ray

[about the burned body] Gonna be hard to burrito him like that.

David

I could put him in the passenger seat of the van. Then we could use the car pool lane.

Ray

Always looking for the silver lining, eh, David?

David

Yeah. That's me.

Nick

Live fast, die young.

David

Not me. The wife's pushing for a minivan. Bugging me about safety ratings and car seat compatibility.

Nick

So, do you have some news to share?

David

No, no, it's still hypothetical. But hypothetically, I don't want my kid's first impression of his dad to be some minivan-driving geek.

Nick

What are you worried about? Your kid's still gonna think you're the coolest guy on the planet. That is till Uncle Nicky comes over and picks him up in a GT500.

David

Thanks, man.

Nick

You're welcome.