Nick Stokes quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Eh, forget it.

S3 E4 A Little Murder

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Nick

How long for DNA?

Well, give me something to compare it to. Get me the fiancée's blood.

Nick

Well, I can't just give you her blood. That takes a court order.

I'm open 24 hours.

S3 E4 A Little Murder

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Sara (at a garbage dump): You know the average Nevadan generates three times more waste than the average American?

Nick

Yeah, well that's tourist trash.

Thirteen million pounds per day. I went to the recycling forum in March.

The landfill manager says this is the active cell. Spotter says cell lift moves forward 20 feet a day. That puts the active cell right ... pretty much in front of us.

Nick

Man! You find the best evidence in the nastiest places.

You are what you throw away.

It's like peeling an onion in peoples' lives.

Well, this onion is our time line so peel back accordingly.

S3 E12 Got Murder?

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Cans are on private property, it's not trash day, how did you get consent?

I talked to the president of the owner's association.

Nick

What'd you threaten her with?

A return visit.

S3 E12 Got Murder?

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Nick

You gotta get a girlfriend.

You first.

S3 E13 Random Acts of Violence

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I thought we had a relationship! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?

Nick

Right tool for the right job, man. You have to understand the world you're investigating (Greg gives Nick a look) Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?

In classic, TNG, DS9, Voyager or Enterprise?

Point taken.

Or were you thinking about Farscape?

Nick

I have no idea what you're talking about.

S3 E13 Random Acts of Violence

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Nick

The semen sample I recovered is still being processed in DNA.

[walks in] Not anymore. I'm done. And no jokes about me being fast in this department. The ejaculate outside the first girl's window -- spank high. Good news: It does have DNA.

Nick

Whose?

I don't know. Ran it through CODIS, nothing kicked out.

Well, it's possible this guy's so new he doesn't even have a record.

Well, I can tell you this about him: Really low sperm count. Sample hardly had any swimmers.

Nick

That's probably from excessive masturbation. Guy's outpacing his ability to produce ... [he looks up and finds everyone staring at him] ... sperm.

Warrick

You'd know it, spanky

S3 E14 One Hit Wonder

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Nick

Feces?

Yep.

Nick

Under the fingernail?

Yep. [Nick looks up with pained expression]

Nick

He wiped his own ass?

[laughs] No, Nick, it's not human. It's scat. Could be from a bat.

Nick

Bat scat.

Bat guano.

S3 E16 Lucky Strike

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Nick

There's a sucker born every minute.

Yep, and they all come to Vegas.

S3 E16 Lucky Strike

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Bats are like bees, Nick. Don't bother them, and they won't bother you.

Nick

Let's not bother them... I mean it.

S3 E16 Lucky Strike

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Nick

You sure you don't want me to do this?

Are you kidding? I live for this. I mean, Shelley Stark and I are the same height and weight.

Nick

Yeah, but you're taller, thinner.

Oh, butter that toast, Nick.

S3 E20 Last Laugh

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Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.

It's medium-security...

Nick

...for nicer criminals.

[laughing] Right.

S3 E22 Play with Fire

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[Nick sees Grissom examining the Magic Fingers]

Nick

Haven't you ever seen one of those before?

Not in person, no.

Nick

Magic Fingers. Twenty-five cents for 15 minutes of vibration. Died a slow death in the '70s due to vandalism and seedy connotations. Good for sex. Good for sleep ... too.

Good for us. Given the killer's appetite for sexual persuasion, maybe they blew the circuit. Overloaded it with coins.

Nick

And their prints on those coins.

S4 E1 Assume Nothing

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Linens and towels from The Sphere on top of the washing machine, and what I believe to be sheets from the motel inside the dryer. Both positive presumptive for blood.

Nick

Think they were being smart taking the sheets, or did they just get off sleeping on 'em?

Warrick

Either way, they were sick and dangerous.

What does that say about whoever killed them?

S4 E2 All for Our Country

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[Reading the high school newspaper and a column by the victim]

Nick

The lead story by editor and chief Sabrina Abernathy, entitled: "Varsity Hazing Ritual". Now listen to this: "The question is not whether the so called student athletes should be expelled, but whether or not they should be arrested."

Warrick

Why, what'd they do?

Nick

Apparently something with several hookers and alot of testosterone.