Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Grissom

(After breaking part of Catherine's evidence) Huh, oh boy, I've got to get my shift started. Good luck with the case.

Catherine

No, no, no, you're not just going to destroy the skull and split.

Grissom

You can make a nice mold from the impression.

Catherine

I'm shorthanded as it is.

Grissom

I think Sara just wrapped a case, if you need her she's yours.

Greg

Brass subpoenaed Eiger's home phone calls in the last year.

Yeah, anything interesting?

Greg

Numerous calls from Eiger's house to Sy Magli's office.

Well, they were known business rivals.

Greg

Between midnight and 4 a.m., what I like to call: "Love Hours".

Grissom

Wouldn't be the first time that hate mutated into passion.

Greg

Public enemies, private lovers. So Jackie Collins.

Grissom

Question. You come home, see your husband lying in the driveway, what do you do?

Greg

Is that a trick question?

Sara

Stop, jump out, run over to him.

Grissom

Or, take the time to pull into the garage and park and lock your car.

When Eiger was looking into buying The Queen Regent Casino out from under Sy Magli the gaming commission turned him down, so he invited some of the commissioners over to his mansion for a party, a week later he had his gaming and his liquor licences. Must've been a hell of a party.

Grissom

Well, if The Wizard of Oz had nude pictures of the Wicked Witch, Dorothy would never had lost her slippers.

Detective Vartann

Hogs and Heffers convention. Maurice wasn't fat, what was he doing here?

Grissom

Maybe he used to be.

Greg

Or maybe he was a chubby chaser. (Grissom gives him a surprised look). Some men like curves.

Detective Vartann

There's curves, and there's rolls.

Grissom

You sniffed it?

Hodges

That disgust you?

Grissom

No. Actually it's the first thing you've ever done to impress me.

Brass

Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?

[Embarrassed] Maybe.

Grissom

I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.

The best taco I've ever had.

Grissom

I'm happy for you both.

Brass

What, you'd piss of Ecklie again? This is a hit-and-run, I was expecting Greg Sanders.

Grissom

Jail or no jail, she won't last six months. She'll die without her son.

Sara

That would be better for both of them.

Robbins

It reminded me of that scene of Jaws when Dreyfuss cuts open the sharks stomach and all kinds of stuff came out.

Grissom

You found a license plate?

Grissom

Pica?

Robbins

Boo?

Grissom

Pica is a compulsion to eat non-nutritive food items. It's from the Latin word for magpie, a bird with a large and indiscriminate appetite.

Sara

When my father died, my mother came to a place like this for a while for evaluation. It looked the same, it smelled the same. It smelled like lies.

Grissom

You sure you're okay?

Sara

Crazy people do make me feel crazy.

Grissom

If you want, I can have somebody take your place.

Sara

I appreciate that. I do, I really do, but ... I kind of made a decision to move beyond that and... I really want to finish this case.

We have rules for a reason. You people come in here disrupting things. You're unsafe. This is your fault.

Grissom

Really?

Grissom

Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar?

Catherine

I'm not in the mood.

Grissom

Neither was the monkey.

Grissom

And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.

Very funny.

Grissom

You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, uh, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.

I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.

Grissom

I love it when you wear your gloves.

Greg

Hey Grissom, when you went to college did you live in the dorms?

Grissom

Surely, you jest.

Grissom

Yeah, but the present value of college tuition is about the same amount.

Greg

So you're saying college isn't worth the expense?

Grissom

I guess it depends on what you learn.

Sara

Music, alcohol, candles. Kid was a regular Romeo.

Grissom

For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Greg

Condom wrapper. (Sara looks at him)

Grissom

So much for safe sex.