Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Nick

Feces?

Grissom

Yep.

Nick

Under the fingernail?

Grissom

Yep. [Nick looks up with pained expression]

Nick

He wiped his own ass?

Grissom

[laughs] No, Nick, it's not human. It's scat. Could be from a bat.

Nick

Bat scat.

Grissom

Bat guano.

Nick

There's a sucker born every minute.

Grissom

Yep, and they all come to Vegas.

Grissom

Bats are like bees, Nick. Don't bother them, and they won't bother you.

Nick

Let's not bother them... I mean it.

Grissom

So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?

Greg

Weird, ha?

Grissom

Well, I race cockroaches.

Grissom

What happened to your enthuasism, Greg?

Greg

Well, everytime I make a DNA match in here my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.

Grissom

Out there... means a pay cut.

Greg

It's not about the money.

Grissom

That's good to know.

Catherine

Hi. What'd I miss?

Grissom

Murder, seduction, deceit -- the usual.

Catherine

Mm. This one of your favorites?

Grissom

Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.

Catherine

Okay. Well, what do you like?

Grissom

I like silent movies.

Catherine

It's physically impossible to absorb a fatal dose of cocaine through the penis.

Grissom

Cite your source.

Catherine

What do you see?

Grissom

Nothing.

Catherine

What are you looking for?

Grissom

A punchline?

Brass

Ba-dum-bum.

Catherine

I'm gonna find out what Rone's mothers maiden name is.

Grissom

What's his mother got to do with it?

Catherine

She may have sold me my engagement ring.

Archie

Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.

Grissom

It's medium-security...

Nick

...for nicer criminals.

Archie

[laughing] Right.

Sara

You got a minute?

Grissom

I was just leaving.

Sara

Yeah, the schedule says you're off tonight.

Grissom

I am.

Sara

Me too.

Grissom

You should be on paid leave.

Sara

I'm fine.

Grissom

You were fortunate and I'm not talking about the explosion.

Sara

You, uh, you talked to Brass.

Grissom

And Nick.

Sara

We got the guy.

Grissom

Is that all you have to say?

Sara

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Grissom

No.

Sara

Why not? Let's... let's have dinner... let's see what happens.

Grissom

Sara... I don't know what to do about this.

Sara

I do... you know by the time you figure it out, it really could be too late.

Grissom

Albert. Got a minute?

Doc Robbins

Sure. What's up?

Grissom

I'd like a second opinion.

Doc Robbins

I wish you had come to me sooner. The condition is pretty far along. Why'd you wait?

Grissom

[sighs] I hoped it would go away.

Doc Robbins

Doesn't your mother have this condition?

Grissom

Yeah. It's hereditary. I know I wasn't rational.

Doc Robbins

Look, Gil. I'm not gonna preach to you, you came to me. But Doctor to Doctor there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear. In which case your hearing loss will eventually be permanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible.

Grissom

I'm not going with you.

Catherine

What do you mean?

Grissom

I'm scheduled for surgery at Desert Palm.

Catherine:

Surgery? [She walks over to him] Your hearing?

Grissom

[nods] Yep.

Catherine

I'm sorry.

Grissom

I'm not. Has to be done.

Catherine

What can I do?

Grissom

Nothin', I'm fine. Take care of the case.

Catherine

Wha--ah, that's it?

Grissom

That's it. Um... good luck.

Nick

Haven't you ever seen one of those before?

Grissom

Not in person, no.

Nick

Magic Fingers. Twenty-five cents for 15 minutes of vibration. Died a slow death in the '70s due to vandalism and seedy connotations. Good for sex. Good for sleep ... too.

Grissom

Good for us. Given the killer's appetite for sexual persuasion, maybe they blew the circuit. Overloaded it with coins.

Nick

And their prints on those coins.

Grissom

Your phone's ringing.

Catherine

You can hear that?...[Smiles] You're back.

Grissom

What?