Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Grissom

Your guys didn't get any extended body photos?

Brass

Chest, hands, arms right there.

Grissom

I need lower extremities for comparison.

Brass

Hey, Marjorie Westcott blew in here and shut us down. She said if we wanted full body shots we were going to have to get a court order. So the D.A.'s working on it.

Grissom

When, between testimony?

Brass

No kidding. Meanwhile, we're presenting half a case to a judge.

Catherine

Grissom... they're beating our heads in. Judge is going to dismiss... you can feel it.

Grissom

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Catherine

I'm not ahead of myself. I'm up there front and center taking hits along with the rest of CSI. You know, you've turned into a really lousy leader. I need your help, and you're on the sidelines.

Dr. Phillip Gerard

Gil, good work.

Grissom

My team did it, Philip. I got good CSI's. [signs to Gerard] Oh, and, uh, my mother says "hello."

Grissom

Greg!

Greg

Yeah.

Grissom

Take off your shoes and socks.

Greg

See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.

Grissom

Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?

Greg

That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me, "Som man reder sa ligger man". [long pause] One must lie in the bed one has made.

Grissom

That's true. Right foot first, please.

Greg

Are you sure you want me to do this? Things could get loud in here!

Greg

[Greg limps into Grissom's office wearing only socks] What did you do to me?

Grissom

You had a reaction.

Greg

I'm Hazmat meat. Quarantine, here I come. [Greg pulls off the socks and puts both his feet up on Grissom's desk. Grissom examines Greg's right foot]

Grissom

Your right foot, I swabbed with a placebo, regular tap water.

Greg

Yeah, well, I'm not worried about the right foot.

Grissom

Left foot...eumycotic dermatitis.

Greg

Oh, great. It's probably fatal.

Grissom

It's a mildew-induced skin rash.

Greg

[stares at Grissom] You infected me with mildew?

Grissom

Here. Hydrocortisone. Follow the directions, clear it right up.

Nick

Okay, back to midgets.

Grissom

Nick? "Dwarves" or "little people."

Sara

Is this some kind of convention?

Grissom

Little People Convention. Every year they come from all over the world to a designated city. Socialize, network. It's their Prom, Olympics, and New Year's Eve all rolled into one. (As they walk, a man in a wheelchair nearly runs into Nick)

Nick

Oh, hey. Excuse me.

Don't think so, square jaw. (Grissom and Sara continue along the ballroom unaware of Nick's close encounter)

Sara

Grissom, how do you know this?

Grissom

I get the newsletter.

My first IOLP convention -- I walk in, see 200 Dwarfs staring back at me and what goes through my head? "There's no way I look like these people." I ran.

Grissom

But you went back.

Eventually. I guess I realized it's nice to see eye-to-eye with someone.

Grissom

Mm.

I get the impression that's a little tough for you. "The freaks have looked at her in a secret way and tried to connect their eyes with hers as though to say, we know who you are. We are you."

Close. Another southern writer. Carson McCullers.

Grissom

I think we look for the differences in each other to prove that we're not alone.

What's yours? Your difference? (Grissom is silent) Mine's the worst. Random gene. Anyone can have a dwarf. Sometimes I've even seen terror in average-size people's eyes. I remind them that their little carbon copies might not be such a copy after all.

Grissom

Well, mine's genetic, progressive and impossible to predict.

And hard to notice ... unless you tell someone.

Does he ever talk?

Sara

Yeah. At, uh, random intervals.

Grissom

I was admiring your reaching tool.

I have one I use to wipe my tush with. Would you like to take a look at that, too?

Grissom

There's a theory in art that the Mona Lisa was really a feminized version of Leonardo Da Vinci himself.

Sara

Concept suggests ... Deep down we're all narcissists?

Grissom

Yeah. What attracts us the most is ourselves.

Archie

Is that who I think it is?

Grissom

Who?

Archie

Toby Arcane. "Freak man".

Grissom

What makes him a "freak" besides that shirt?

Archie

All I can say he's not for the faint of heart.

Warrick

There was this one case where a boxer put lead shot in his gloves to increase his punching power. And also ancient greek limapulists used a glove weighted with metal, called a "cestus."

Grissom

You making a classical reference?

Warrick

Yeah. I thought you'd like that.

Grissom

I guess clothes do make "The Man."

Catherine

In this case, "The Man" makes the clothes... and produces the music... and represents the athletes... when he's not involved in street shootings, of course.

Grissom

And when you asked him what he was wearing the night of the murder, he couldn't remember?

Catherine

As far as he's concerned murder is just another way to separate himself from the Calvins and Ralphs of the world.

Grissom

Calvin and Ralph?

Catherine

Klein and Lauren. Fashion.

Grissom

Oh. Well, for most CSIs, fashion is irrelevant.

Catherine

Speak for yourself. The only thing between me and a wardrobe like this is a few extra zeros on my paycheck.

I've processed hundreds of bogus snuff films. But this, this one just felt different.

Catherine

Yeah, it should. arterial spray was real.

Grissom

It's not fake blood. It's human. That was a murder... on 16 millimeter.

Grissom

Okay, Doc, tell me something I don't know.

Dr. Robbins

Okay. In fourth grade, I dropped out of karate class because a kid half my size made me cry.

Grissom

About the body.