Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Lt. Columbo

You see that?

What is it?

Lt. Columbo

Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.

I asked permission from Captain Richey to work right along side you, sir.

Lt. Columbo

[dismayed] You're going to work along with me?

I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.

Lt. Columbo

Captain Richey said that?

Oh yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo

[pleased] Oh.

Lt. Columbo

It's a little... steep. But I'll tell ya, it was the quickest way down.

Oh, by far, sir.

Lieutenant-- Lieutenant? As you probably noticed, there are 3 cups, 3 plates, 3 different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.

Lt. Columbo

Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Did you ever see one of these before, Lieutentant?

Lt. Columbo

Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.

It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.

Lt. Columbo

You mean that takes pictures in the dark?

[nods] I bought this one myself.

Lt. Columbo

You used your own money?

Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.

Lt. Columbo

You must be a bachelor.

Lt. Columbo

Uh, sir?

Yes?

Lt. Columbo

You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?

No.

Lt. Columbo

What'd you pay for those shoes?

I think about 60 dollars.

Lt. Columbo

I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?

16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Thank you.

Paul Hanlon

Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?

Lt. Columbo

You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.

Paul Hanlon

I did what?

Lt. Columbo

You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.

Paul Hanlon

[annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.

Paul Hanlon

[yelling] Columbo, I'm going to throw you out of here on your ear!

Lt. Columbo

I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.

Lt. Columbo

You know, I listened to this thing I can't tell ya how many times, over and over again, figuring maybe I'd hear something that shouldn't be there, some sound that shouldn't be there, an ambulance, a fire truck, like you were in a phone booth, something...

Paul Hanlon

[impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.

Lt. Columbo

Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.

Lt. Columbo

Is that Big Ben?

Yes, it is.

Lt. Columbo

Well, look at that, a thing that old and it´s only a minute slow.

Lt. Columbo

I just never have seen anything like you. Like that performance you both just gave...

Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?

Lt. Columbo

And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.

With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.

Lt. Columbo

Marvelous. Let me tell ya, I don't want to repeat myself but the other night when I saw that performance that you two--

Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.

[indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?

Lt. Columbo

[after exposing Nora as the murderer] I was just playing hunches. I had nothing to go on. I was just guessing. I had nothing concrete. I just wanted to see what you'd do. And when you came in here, you didn't even turn on the lights. Just ran right straight through to the fountain. You know, coincidence. If I hadn't called George, if he hadn't been looking at the TV, if it was some other movie, if you hadn't been dressed like a man... Because that's when it occurred to me. Twelve years ago, somebody standing on a beach at night saw your husband get in a boat and go out to the ocean. I remember the photographs. You and your husband, the same height. It could have been you.

It was. You see, I married Al because I thought I could improve myself. You know, my career. And then I began to care about the marriage. So when he went playing around, you know, all the starlets, all that bit, well, it hurt. So I put up with it, you know. I put up with it until, one night, he brought one of them right in here. And we had a hell of a fight. We argued, fought, and I struck him with a bottle. And he... I panicked. And I buried him out there. Jean knew. Well, I'll get a coat and we'll go.

Lt. Columbo

You were both nurses, is that right?

Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.

Lt. Columbo

It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.

Dr. Barry Mayfield

You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.