Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.

Lt. Columbo

Is that the lady in the books?

What would you have done if the car hadn't broken down? You couldn't set up this trap.

Lt. Columbo

Well, I guess we would have found some other way. You know what this place reminds me of, just seeing all these cars? You know, in our neighborhood we had a bunch of jokers. I mean we were a real loud bunch of guys and we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission. You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe. Doesn't cause any damage but the car won't start. It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Lt. Columbo

I was just wondering because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?

No. It's a couple of miles.

Lt. Columbo

That close! Isn't that a coincidence! I'll tell ya, this case is just full of 'em.

Lt. Columbo

Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!

What's that?

Lt. Columbo

Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

Lt. Columbo

[At the exhibition of the General's war memorabilia] Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean all that concern about clothes. It's kinda vain, don't you think?

Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.

[aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Lt. Columbo

Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Dale Kingston

Wait a minute. You mean, you think the thief was a woman?

Lt. Columbo

One of them.

Dale Kingston

ONE of them?

Lt. Columbo

Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.

Dale Kingston

I don't think I understand.

Lt. Columbo

You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.

Lt. Columbo

You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. I hope you don't mind.

Dale Kingston

Oh, that's your job. And?

Lt. Columbo

Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11:00 you sure didn't do it.

Dale Kingston

Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.

Lt. Columbo

Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.

Lt. Columbo

Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?

Dale Kingston

Yes.

Lt. Columbo

Quite a place!

Dale Kingston

Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.

Lt. Columbo

That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?

Dale Kingston

[sarcastically] My, how observant you are!

Dale Kingston

Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.

Lt. Columbo

[looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?

Yeah.

Lt. Columbo

[looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.

Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?

[looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?

Lt. Columbo

Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo

See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.

Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?

Lt. Columbo

Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.

Lt. Columbo

Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this—how much do you make?

I uh, I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.

Lt. Columbo

Tours?

I don't know.

Lt. Columbo

Concerts?

I don't know.

Lt. Columbo

Publishing?

I don't know.

Lt. Columbo

Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. So at $11,000 a year, I got $750,000 for the house, $18,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?

I have five including the gardener.

Lt. Columbo

You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.

Lt. Columbo

Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?

I never asked.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.

Lt. Columbo

[looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?

I don't know. What difference does it make?

Lt. Columbo

Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?

Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?

Lt. Columbo

Yes.