Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Lt. Columbo

[in a hair salon] Excuse me. Darryl?

Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.

Lt. Columbo

Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.

Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.

Lt. Columbo

No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?

Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Alright, Lieutenant. Examine me.

Lt. Columbo

No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.

[starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]

Lt. Columbo

[getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today.

Thank you.

A search warrant! I have never been so insulted! Never! What's it look like?

Lt. Columbo

I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.

I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.

Lt. Columbo

Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.

Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!

I like the way you wear your hair!

Lt. Columbo

...oh, thank you very much, ma'am, I like the way you wear yours.

You buy that here?

Lt. Columbo

Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator, but then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.

Lt. Columbo

Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.

I can come back.

Lt. Columbo

No, no, no, no. I'll have, um... I'll have a doughnut.

Lt. Columbo

You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lot's of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there... and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured... if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

Oliver Brandt

I can tell you do.

Oliver Brandt

My problem is just the opposite. Born smart... as they say. A blessing you'd think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.

Lt. Columbo

You know, sir, I never though of that.

Lt. Columbo

When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!

Oliver Brandt

Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! This! There! [laughing] There! [continues laughing then pauses] Oh my... Oh my.

Lt. Columbo

That must have been very hard, losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I lost my parents. That's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.

Abigail Mitchell

I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.

Lt. Columbo

Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Lt. Columbo

Now you're inheriting the property and all, so I'd like you to be there too. I could run you over. My car's right here. It's French, very rare.

Abigail Mitchell

Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, wait a minute. Let me see that shoe. Oh, that's a very nice shoe. You like that shoe, Sergeant?

It's very nice, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

It's practically new. That's terrific. I'm looking for a pair of shoes just like this. See, I like them rounded toes. It's French style. The French thought of that. [looks inside shoe] Oh. Made in Italy. Well, what's the difference? I like them.

Lt. Columbo

Good Evening, Ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?

I'm not sure.

Lt. Columbo

Is it a big house or is he just out to the police?

Tell me, Lieutentant, do you have a suspect yet?

Lt. Columbo

Oh, I have my eye on someone...

Lt. Columbo

Oh, one more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask you.

Paul Gerard

Fortunately you remembered.

Lt. Columbo

As you're an expert on restaurants, sir, I wanted to ask you. Do you know anything about the Restaurant Developers Association?

Paul Gerard

I don't know anything about it, Lieutenant. I've never heard of it. [turning to Eve] Have you?

No. No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.

Lt. Columbo

Well, that's alright, ma'am. As the Chinese say, "There's more than one fish in the sea."

Paul Gerard

You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that. But I don't care for you very much.

Lt. Columbo

You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you? I respect your talent. But I don't like anything else about you.