Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Comandante Sanchez

I see you're a thorough man, Lieutenant, but the bull did kill Rangel.

Lt. Columbo

Yes I can see that but its important to be thorough, especially when a man dies alone.

Lt. Columbo

[referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight a thing like that and make a living.

Luis Montoya

It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.

Lt. Columbo

I have to tell you the truth. I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal, even as big and mean as he is.

Luis Montoya

Perhaps you would prefer the spectacle of two men in a prize ring beating each other senseless. Or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle. Or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different from yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but different.

Comandante Sanchez

Montoya must have a motive.

Lt. Columbo

Yes, every man has a motive.

Lt. Columbo

That shows you I don't know much about bullfighting.

Is that all, senor?

Lt. Columbo

You know, I think my wife was right. There's something wrong with me. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.

Occupational hazard, what is that?

Lt. Columbo

That's, uh, when wherever you go, you take your work with you.

Oh, I see. We call that loco.

Lt. Columbo

May I ask you a personal question, sir?

Luis Montoya

Oh, by all means, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Did you injure your leg in the bull ring?

Luis Montoya

[nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I too, was gored, badly, here. They tried to take me to the infirmiry along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my would, I stayed in the bull and I did one of the best fights of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.

Lt. Columbo

Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Luis Montoya

[smiling] Well, it would be a difficult thing for me to do now with this leg.

Excuse me, sir.

Lt. Columbo

I'm Lt. Columbo.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't recognize you. You look different somehow.

Lt. Columbo

I've had a haircut.

You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive.

Do you have a suspect?

Lt. Columbo

Yes.

You do?

Lt. Columbo

We do. But we don't have a motive for you.

Lt. Columbo

A letter addressed to the Department of Immigration and Nationalization that identifies you as a war criminal means opportunity and motive. It's enough to convict for first degree murder.

It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.

Lt. Columbo

A trick? No, that's the letter.

Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.

Lt. Columbo

[dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.

And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder.

Lt. Columbo

Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There's no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Isn't the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?

Lt. Columbo

Accident? Oh, I'm sure it's just an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.

There on 24 hours duty. I simply could not have returned without them seeing me.

Lt. Columbo

Yes sir, I guess that's all true and that guard, he certainly remembers what time you left just like I told you he did. But that's exactly what's been bothering me right from the beginning-- time. Ever since I saw that beautiful watch of yours. Time. Why would you check with the guard when you were leaving the island, the time? He's got a drugstore watch. Unless you wanted to make certain when you were leaving he would remember...

The time.

Ward Fowler

You think she was murdered, don't you?

Lt. Columbo

I, I beg your pardon, sir?

Ward Fowler

You heard me.

Lt. Columbo

Yes sir, I did. Uh, I mean, yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir. I mean I think the robbery was staged to cover up the murder. Um, how did you know, sir?

Ward Fowler

Why else would you be here?

Lt. Columbo

It could be just a routine check, sir.

Ward Fowler

No, Lieutenant. They don't send a police detective stumbling around, asking silly, fake, innocent questions on a routine check. I know that from my show.

Lt. Columbo

Silly, fake, innocent questions, like what, sir?

Lt. Columbo

The parka and the ski mask, that's where they both came from.

Ward Fowler

And the gun?

Lt. Columbo

Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.

Ward Fowler

Of course. How stupid of me.

Lt. Columbo

No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?

Ward Fowler

Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.

Lt. Columbo

Well, what's the difference, sir?

Ward Fowler

The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, he's apt to get rattled.

Lt. Columbo

Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?

Ward Fowler

Lt. Lucerne did.

Lt. Columbo

He did?

Lt. Columbo

There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir. But there is a reason the lab report took so long. You remembered to clean the gun, but you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.

Ward Fowler

Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.

See something, sir?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.

Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.

Lt. Columbo

Oh. Well, what do you expect for $30?