Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Paul Gerard

When did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo

Well, after it happened, sir, about two minutes after I met you.

Paul Gerard

That can't be possible.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.

Paul Gerard

I was instructed to come here by the police.

Lt. Columbo

And you came, sir.

Paul Gerard

Yes.

Lt. Columbo

After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Eric Mason

You're a fascinating man, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

To a psychologist, sir?

Eric Mason

You pass yourself off as a puppy in a raincoat happily running around the yard digging holes all up in the garden, only you're laying a mine field and wagging your tail.

Eric Mason

Very good, Lieutenant. Remarkable, really. You take control very well, all the way. I'd swear you'd taken my course.

Lt. Columbo

Oh no, sir. Oh no, never. It's just that I enjoy the pleasure of the game.

Lt. Columbo

Thank you very much, sir. I'll explain to Mrs. Columbo how my condition is work dominated.

Eric Mason

Well, I think she might have guessed.

Do you know these lines, Lieutenant? They're by Lewis Carroll. "You can charge me with murder or want of sense. We are all of us weak at times. But the slightest approach to a false pretense was never among my crimes."

Lt. Columbo

Well, sir, you pretended to raise money to help the Irish victims and all the while you were planning to make more victims. Wasn't that a pretense, sir?

Politics makes liars of us all, Lieutenant.

He was loved. Well, not by those mind readers and psychics; they weren't so crazy about him, once he got on their case. But magicians loved him. I loved him.

Lt. Columbo

I've never seen so many wonderful tricks. Those beautiful Chinese rings, and that terrific birdcage. Once, on a vacation with Mrs. Columbo, I saw a magician make a tiger disappear right out of the ring, but I've never seen a trick like that guillotine trick upstairs. That must be some dangerous trick.

Not if you're careful. Max built in some safeguards, made it all foolproof.

Lt. Columbo

What happened to Max, that you didn't look very foolproof. How do you explain that.

Are you sure you won't join me, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

No, thank you very much, sir.

Max must have gotten careless. Forgot to lock in the safety bolt.

I'm curious, when did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo

Well, as long as you asked, sir. That first night. When I found you scrubbing my mud off the floor. I thought that was unusual, for someone as arrogant as you are.

Unless you're implying that I was the target of that blackmail.

Lt. Columbo

Oh, I'm implying more than that sir. I'm implying that you murdered the man.

Lt. Columbo

There we go again sir, agreeing with each other. It's interesting how often we agree with each other; considering the fact that we really don't like each other. Would you agree with me on that sir?

I think I'd have to agree, Lieutenant.