Lt. Columbo quotes from Columbo

Lt. Columbo

See, that's a European car. You know, they have the thin tires.

Yeah, I know. Our tires are wider.

Lt. Columbo

But I don't see any European cars here, only my car.

You got a European car?

Lt. Columbo

That's a French car. Yeah, my car's French.

Lt. Columbo

I wonder if you could help me out with this thing here. Uh, my wife is a terrific dancer and a very good singer but I got two left feet and when it comes to dancing in public, you know, I get self-conscious so, and so she always has to sit it out. Is there something, uh, what can you do for a problem like that?

Become a critic.

You know, Lieutenant, uh, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.

Lt. Columbo

Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there you know.

Lt. Columbo

From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.

That's very confusing.

Lt. Columbo

It sounds that way. I'm trying to reconstruct something that Dr. Willis must have done just before he died.

[horrified] What are you talking about? Are you still saying that my husband was murdered?

Lt. Columbo

Yes, ma'am. That's exactly what happened.

He took his own life!

Lt. Columbo

No, he didn't.

Lt. Columbo

This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.

Hassan Salah

This is third century. It's worth several thousand dollars.

Lt. Columbo

No kidding! Gee, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.

Mr. Morgan is with the Protocol Department, Columbo. There's been a complaint lodged against you by the Suarian legation.

A complaint of police harassment by First Secretary Hassan Salah. The feeling expressed to me is you've been engaging in a personal vendetta.

Lt. Columbo

Well, there's no vendetta involved here. Just trying to catch a man who murdered two Suarian nationals along with robbing the legation of $600,000.

Yes, I'm sure but you're working in delicate and apparently unfamiliar waters, Lieutenant. You can't push around diplomatic personnel the way you would common criminals in the street. It's in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and First Secretary Salah.

Lt. Columbo

Well, that's all very well and good except for one thing.

What is that, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo

He's the murderer.

Lt. Columbo

Where's the King?

Oh, he's here.

Lt. Columbo

You know, it looks good, those robes. Do you think they look good, I mean for a man?

Oh yes, I do.

Lt. Columbo

What do they cost?

I'm afraid I don't know.

Lt. Columbo

How come the King doesn't wear one? It's not because he can't afford it, I know that.

You seem to be interested in clothes.

Lt. Columbo

Shoes. These are new. $16.95.

Hassan Salah

You were saying you were apprehensive about your employment, is that it?

Lt. Columbo

I beg you not to send a letter to the State Department. I apologize but more than anything else I want to shake your hand. You're the best.

Hassan Salah

To what do I owe this tribute?

Lt. Columbo

You beat me. That's it. I got beat, plain and simple.

Hassan Salah

True.

Lt. Columbo

I know you did it. But, well, you can't win 'em all, sir.

Hassan Salah

You're very gracious, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Thank you.

Hassan Salah

Lieutenant! I beg you.

Lt. Columbo

The trouble is, sir, you're right. That is, all the evidence is circumstanial. It's just bits and pieces. I don't think any of it is gonna stand up in court.

Hassan Salah

A confession! If I signed a confession..?

Lt. Columbo

Well, I'm not sure. Your Majesty?

I shall abide by your decision, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

[pulls the form from his pocket] Well, in that case, just sign by the red X. Three copies if you don't mind.

Lt. Columbo

What do you have to win one of those?

Hit the ducks, ten in a row.

Lt. Columbo

My wife would go for one of those.

No way, Lieutenant, you're a pro...

Lt. Columbo

Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.

Nelson Brenner

Lieutenant, I think I should warn you that I'm not an unworldly man. I have powerful important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request that you do not harass me.

Lt. Columbo

Why sir, I would NEVER do that.

Nelson Brenner

Yes, I quite understand your problem. But you must understand mine, it's a bizarre situation.

Lt. Columbo

Just between us, sir...

Nelson Brenner

Um-uh.

Lt. Columbo

Somebody's following me.

Nelson Brenner

Now who would be following a cop?

Lt. Columbo

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.

Nelson Brenner

What would you like in the way of libation?

Lt. Columbo

Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.

Nelson Brenner

But you're finished for the day, aren't you?

Lt. Columbo

Well, nearly, sir. Do you have any wine?

Nelson Brenner

A cellar full.

Lt. Columbo

Just a glass.

Nelson Brenner

What kind would you like?

Lt. Columbo

Oooh, red.

Lt. Columbo

Do you like to play these games?

Yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo

Do you like to gamble, sir?

What else is there?