Dave quotes from Code Monkeys

Jerry

We could probably swing it if you let us roll it in with our student loans.

And I could probably cut off your head and bring it to your mothers so they could kiss their babies' asses. Okay?

Dave

How are you gonna make our mothers kiss our own asses if you bring them our heads?

Mary

What the hell were we supposed to learn from all of this, other than that Todd's sad life can cause a man to kill himself?

Clare

I learned that stealing is wrong. And prisoners, like everyone else, love me.

Dave

And Clare, my dear, you doth learned the Golden Rule: whores are loved everywhere and in every position.

Jerry

Hey, that reminds me, where the hell is Clarence?

Now you will wager your honor against Kobatashi.

Dave

[drunk] I don't have any honor. BRING IT ON!

Jerry

Ugh, Dave, how many of those pastrami bombs did you eat?

Dave

It's more like, how many of those pastrami bombs didn't I eat? Which is zero.

Jerry

Dave, I'm sorry I doubted you.

Dave

Eh, I'm used to it by now.

Dave

Now this first game is called Pizza Man... oh, SO TASTY...

Jerry

Dave, you promised.

Dave

Well, if that didn't get them, this will. Moon Tennis, anyone? You get to play tennis on the fucking moon! Can you imagine that? Well, I did, because that's my job! What about Bacon Avenger? Don't break the eggs!

Dave

This has my vote as "best day ever"!

Mary

Oh yeah!

Dave

Dude, your rectum is gone. That is no bueno.

You like a massage?

[singing] Bitch, he loves you. Bitch, he loves you...

Dave

[rapping] Bitch, I love you. Stars above you shine like wine. Girl you be fine. Now it's time to suck my dick, you better not spit out our looooove...

What the fuck are you doing, Dave? It's three in the morning!

Dave

We never showed up the time of our date.

I'm calling the cops.

Dave

Don't call the cops!

You are so creepy, Dave!

Black Steve

Can't you see he love you, bitch?!

[singing] I loves you, bitch. I love you, bitch.

Jerry

Hey, little man. I hear you. But you're the lead game tester, and that's a mighty responsibility.

Benny

Hit the bricks. I don't listen to guy that gets less ass than me.

Jerry

[starts chasing Benny] Listen, you little shit, you get over here!

Benny

[faking] Help, help! Jerry and Dave tried to touch me where I pee!

Dave

Oh, crap.

Jerry

What?! No, NO! My--my hands are up in the air! I didn't touch anyone's wee-wee!

Dave

Hey Takeda. I hope you're a fan of getting your ass handed to you.

Actually, I am not.

Dave

Well, too bad, because your ass will indeed be handed to you. ...That sounded awkward, I'm sorry.

Jerry

Dave, girlfriends let you see their boobs for free, I've been told.

Dave

Dude, that's the oldest lie in the book!

Jerry

There's a book?

Dave

Yes, Jerry, it's called the Book of Lies! The first chapter is, if you get a girlfriend, you get to see her boobs for free.

Jerry

Wait, you don't?

Dave

Hell no, dude! Girlfriends make you pay an emotional cost! You may not have to fork over money, but you gotta ask them questions like, "Um, how are you?" and "What are you doing?" and "Does this hurt?" and "Did you forget to take your pill?" and stuff like that. It's horrible!

Jerry

I don't know, Dave, I think it sounds kinda nice.

Jerry

Oh man, even my dreams hate me.

Dave

Of course they do! You're a dick and you should start sucking cock. On the other hand, I am a problem solver, and I'm gonna solve this problem so I never have to pay for boobs again. But I'm gonna need some help!

Mary

Wait a minute. The solution to our problem is all around us. The mall! This place is filled with employment opportunities.

Dave

Show us your tits or get the fuck off the stage!