Dave quotes from Code Monkeys

Dave

I got syphilis from a turtle once... not from a Mexican whore.

Dave

You should pay to have the abortion, Dave, you did this to me, blah, blah, blah. Ladies, be quiet! That's what I have to say to you.

Dave

Jerry, with that much money, you can buy five lapdances a day and still have money left over for...more lap dances. I've done the math.

Dave

I know right from wrong, occasionally I choose, well a lot, I choose to ignore that knowledge. Like, when I gave Todd a roofie and left him at the Purple Helmet. Or when I called Claire and pretended to be her dead father. Those things were definitively wrong. But they were wrong by choice, dude. This time, I didn't do anything wrong, except use drugs to do my job and make an extremely violent video game. And that's not a crime, dude! That's America!

Dave

I know this one: it's a reggae band of ants, and bad news, the drummer, he sucks.

Dave

Drinking yourself to death is expensive!

Jerry

Dave... What are you doing?!

Dave

My computer is frozen. If you hit the computer exactly the right way...it unfreezes. [resumes humping his computer]

Jerry

Did it work?

Dave

[orgasms] Yeah, sorta. Phew.

Jerry

Dave, we gotta finish this game. You know, 'cause we're game programmers.

Dave

Fine, I'll change my pants later.

Jerry

And when are you gonna get this dead donkey out of here?

Dave

He is not dead, he is sleeping.

Listen, I don't know anything about video games, but I heard you two were my star programmers. So I am hellbent on having you boys continue to do what's really important.

Dave

Making sweet-ass video games and getting messed up on hooch? Yeah!

No, you goofy-looking cow turd, making me money! I love money. I've got a blowup doll made of money that I make sweet love to every night.

Dave

That's messed up.

My love of money has helped me succeed in women's coats, novelty items, and now video games! There are three things Big T don't much cotton to: bats, turtles, and people who fuck with my money!

Clarence

Hey boys, it's me, Clarence. It's your best friend in the world, who happens to be gay. Oooo!

Whoa! And whatever the hell that thing was.

Dave

That's four.

Jerry

Shut up Dave!

So if you boys fuck up, then we got ourselves a little problema. Looking forward to working with you two gentlemen. Excuse me, boys, those bats is good eating. YEEHAW!

E.T., I love you.

Oh, I love you too.

Dave

[at a strip club] I love you, whores! And I love you, sluts!

Dave

[nude] How long was I out?

Jerry

Well, about two hours after finishing your game, Floating Space Rocks, you took a celebratory hit on the Dega Bong and passed out.

Dave

Must have been that new weed I developed. [sits in Jerry's chair]

Jerry

Get your stupid ass out of my chair!

Dave

Well, why is my penis green?

Jerry

I can answer that, too. At about 2 A.M., high out of your mind, you painted it so that it would look like, and I quote, "a sexual serpent capable of spitting its venom everywhere."

Dave

Damn it. I knew I was a genius.

Mary

Well, if it isn't the team that brought us the Ishtar of video games!

Clare

Ha ha ha ha, that's funny, because Ishtar was a big failure!

Dave

Not to worry, ladies. We stole the truckload of games. All 100,000 of them. High-fives all around, and then Mary, and uh...Clare, I'm gonna need a BJ from the both of you.

Mary

Truckload? 100,000? That was JUST the first batch, you jack-holes! We shipped over four million of those things! It's the biggest video game shipment IN HISTORY!

Jerry

Maybe the kids won't notice that it sucks. I mean, they're just kids, right?

Dean

Hey, I just saw the first screening of E.T. I'm not one for emotions or anything but, that little alien changed the way I... [starts crying, then stops] What's that turd?

Mary

That is Dave and Jerry's E.T. game.

Dean

[loses hearts as he talks] You...how could you?! You don't know anything about E.T.! You don't love E.T.! You didn't even see the movie, did you?!

Dave

No, I didn't. And I know you're all mad at me because I screwed up the game. But you know what I did do? I went to a strip club. You know what that means? That means that I saw naked women. And they shook their asses THIS close to my face. For money. Sure, I could have gone to that movie, but then I wouldn't have seen all those naked women. At the strip club. With the boobs. In my face. Now ask yourselves, can you blame me? And besides, isn't that what you would have wanted me to do?

Grrrr...

Dave

Yeah, we gotta stop that truck before it drops all those games off. We'll take my car!

Jerry

Dave, you don't have a car.

Dave

Whoa, what the fuck are you doing? How many of those Pixy Stix did you have?

Jerry

That's not your concern, my friend. Your concern is arming with enough knowledge about E.T. so I can create the world's greatest game, with extreme prejudice!

Dave

Your hands are bleeding, dude!

Jerry

YOU WILL TAKE ME TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM RIGHT NOW, AND YOU WILL TELL ME ABOUT E.T.! [kicks Dave out of the room]

Dave

I know. You're probably pissed at Jerry.

Pissed?! You boys took my car, I'd be less pissed if you fed me my own ass on a ciabatta!

Dave

The future...is Stonervision.

Jerry

Stonervision? Dave, people'll think we're dealing.

Dave

That's phase two, compadré.