CCalamari
My name is Calamari. And these are my friends—Walleye, Tilapia, Troutface, and Scrode.
SScrode
It's pronounced "Scrawd"!
Characters
Bridgette HashimaKimiko Glenn · 11 quotes
Josh SingletonJ. G. Quintel · 11 quotes
Candice Ramirez-SingletonJessica DiCicco · 9 quotes
Emily RamirezGabrielle Walsh · 8 quotes
Alex DorpenbergerJason Mantzoukas · 6 quotes
Mrs. HashimaSuzy Nakamura · 3 quotes
OliviaKimiko Glenn · 3 quotes
Pearle WatsonDanielle Brooks · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Bridgette Hashima & Emily Ramirez (5), Josh Singleton & Candice Ramirez-Singleton (5), Josh Singleton & Emily Ramirez (4)
S1Quilty Pleasures
We're not your parents!
CCalamari
Of course you are. That was the price for the quilt, remember? Remember? [spiders crawl out of her mouth]
S1The Perfect House
Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast? I only ordered it like 20 minutes ago.
DGDelivery Guy
Says here you ordered it three days ago.
THREE DAYS?! Where the hell is Emily?!
S1Logan's Run'd
JJaxon
So what's up girl? Wanna come back to my crib?
Okay, but just a hang out. I'm not some YouTube croupy.
JJaxon
That's cool. We'll do a little screen time. PBS Kids and chill. Get my mom to whoop us up get some snacks.
Oh, you still live with your mom?
JJaxon
And weekends with my dad's. He's so strong.
Wait, how old are you?
JJaxon
Me? I just turned 26. [Bridgette sighs] Months. 26 months.
What?
S1Room Parents
NNikki
Do you work out? Actually, don't answer; I wanna find out organically.
S1Skate Dad
[as Josh gets sent to an ambulance]
Daddy, what's an ass knife?
Uh, huh. That's a different lesson!
S1100% No Stress Day
[Josh, Alex and Candice sneak in and hide behind a wooden crate and hey watch the meat being produced]
Aw sick! Look at what they're putting in the meat!
[the Wurst Bros employees pouring dead animal parts into the meat processing machines]
That is...so gross.
Dude, look up there! [reads a pig-shaped sign reading "Not Stolen Hams"] I bet there's hams in there.
[a muscular man approaches Josh and Alex from behind and bangs their heads together, knocking them out. Candice is left untouched]
MMMuscular Man
Factory Tour's on Thursdays. [he picks up Candice] Hello sweetie, I have the perfect place for you.
S1Robot Tutor
[sees Candice leave her seat] Candice, what are you doing?
Proving I'm not dumb!
CBCommercial Bot
No matter. I'm password protected. [Candice types up the password] You'll never guess my-
S1Golden Gamer
SStudent
It's like that dude Sisyphus. He kept trying to push that car up the mountain, but he couldn't handle it, and he quit.
Eh, technically, Sisyphus couldn't quit. But you know what? You got most of it.
LLee
Well, check this out, Dorp. You're our Sisyphus.
[tears of joy] Wah, wah, wee, wah.
S2Josh Gets Shredded
Let's play King Kong.
[Josh tosses Candice up into the air; his back breaks when he catches her]
Uh, dad?
AAAAAAH!
S2Sauceface
This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I just wanted to make a little cash, have a little fun. But sometimes, even the best plans… can leave a skid-mark in your shorts. To understand how we got here, you've gotta know the legend. The legend… of Sauceface.
S2Houseguest from Hell
[knocking on the bathroom door and opens it while Becca is taking a shower; angrily] BECCA! You have been in there for three hours! I need to shower!
BBecca
Thank you so much! I would love a nice coffee.
[Later… Becca is laying on the sofa, eating a bag of skinny popcorn while watching "Survivor"]
[entering] Becca, you've been binging old seasons of "Survivor" for three days. Could I watch something?
BBecca
Ooh, an iced coffee sounds yum. Th-a-a-a-nks.
S2Joint Break
[on the phone with the insurance man] Oh, really? Well, tell me, Mr. Insurance Man, how on Earth is a partial hip replacement considered elective surgery?! No, you read the fine print of your medical plan for more information! [hangs up angrily] After giving the police force the best years of my life, all they give me in return is some aspirin and a prescription for water aerobics?!
RRandy
Those bastards!
Don't you talk about the LAPD that way!
RRandy
But you-- But you just said--
Once a cop, always a cop, Randy.
RRandy
Why not give the water aerobics a try? They say it's not just for old people.
[opens the prescription brochure, showing an image of a coffin floating in the pool] I'm too young for this shit.
S2Haunted Couch
[carrying an old white couch with Alex] We got a street couch!
Oh, hell no! We agreed, no more garbage furniture!
[whining] But I want it! Oh, we got that savings account you wanted.
But we needed that! [exhales sharply] Fine.
Yes! Excuse us, ladies.
S2Handy
RRandy
Those examples are bullshit and you know it! I'm gonna do what troubled young men have done for centuries… Go to sea.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Close Enough pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.