Alex Dorpenberger quotes from Close Enough

Candice

Aw sick! Look at what they're putting in the meat!

Alex

That is...so gross.

Josh

Dude, look up there! [reads a pig-shaped sign reading "Not Stolen Hams"] I bet there's hams in there.

Factory Tour's on Thursdays. [he picks up Candice] Hello sweetie, I have the perfect place for you.

It's like that dude Sisyphus. He kept trying to push that car up the mountain, but he couldn't handle it, and he quit.

Alex

Eh, technically, Sisyphus couldn't quit. But you know what? You got most of it.

Well, check this out, Dorp. You're our Sisyphus.

Alex

[tears of joy] Wah, wah, wee, wah.

Josh

Man, I don't like this. You seem pretty sick.

Alex

Oh, yeah? Could a guy who's… pretty sick mail a letter? [later crawls outside over to the mailbox to mail a letter]

Josh

Alex, are you okay?

Alex

Nailed it.

Josh

You threw up on the way over here.

Alex

Yeah. As a joke.

Emily

Okay. We're taking you to a doctor.

Alex

Doctor? No! I said no doctors! Doctors have killed many people in history than Genghis Khan and Chaka Khan combined.

Pearle

Alex, would you relax? I see like 50 doctors a week. They don't kill people.

Alex

Why don't you tell that to my dad?! [groans weakly as he walks back inside]

Candice

Awkward.

Alex

I-I think you took a wrong turn, Pearle.

Pearle

Oh, uh, we're taking a different route.

Alex

Oh, okay. Hold on. How did I not know about this screening? I have like six different Google alerts for "Viking Timelord marathon." [realizes in horrified shock] Wait a minute. THIS IS THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL!!!

Alex

[clears throat] "Eons ago…"

Emily

[outraged] What the [bleep]?!

Josh

This sucks!

Bridgette

It makes me want to kill myself!

Josh

You've made me hate reading more than I already do! [takes the flat screen TV off the wall and throws it, making it explode]

Alex

Wait, what?! Is it really that bad?

Bridgette

Let's kick him in the nuts!

Josh

Lotta cars.

Alex

[spots a car, thinking it's about to backup] Ah-ha! See? A space is opening up as we speak. [the car's tale lights go off; annoyingly honks the horn, unaware that the driver is doing her taxes]

[gets out of her car and runs to Alex's car; irately] I'M DOING MY TAXES, DICKWEED! [violently slams her fists on the hood; Alex and Josh scream and drive away] I'm gonna deduct your head from your body!