Let's play King Kong.
[Josh tosses Candice up into the air; his back breaks when he catches her]
Uh, dad?
AAAAAAH!
S2Josh Gets Shredded
S2Sauceface
This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I just wanted to make a little cash, have a little fun. But sometimes, even the best plans… can leave a skid-mark in your shorts. To understand how we got here, you've gotta know the legend. The legend… of Sauceface.
S2Houseguest from Hell
[knocking on the bathroom door and opens it while Becca is taking a shower; angrily] BECCA! You have been in there for three hours! I need to shower!
BBecca
Thank you so much! I would love a nice coffee.
[Later… Becca is laying on the sofa, eating a bag of skinny popcorn while watching "Survivor"]
[entering] Becca, you've been binging old seasons of "Survivor" for three days. Could I watch something?
BBecca
Ooh, an iced coffee sounds yum. Th-a-a-a-nks.
S2Joint Break
[on the phone with the insurance man] Oh, really? Well, tell me, Mr. Insurance Man, how on Earth is a partial hip replacement considered elective surgery?! No, you read the fine print of your medical plan for more information! [hangs up angrily] After giving the police force the best years of my life, all they give me in return is some aspirin and a prescription for water aerobics?!
RRandy
Those bastards!
Don't you talk about the LAPD that way!
RRandy
But you-- But you just said--
Once a cop, always a cop, Randy.
RRandy
Why not give the water aerobics a try? They say it's not just for old people.
[opens the prescription brochure, showing an image of a coffin floating in the pool] I'm too young for this shit.
S2Haunted Couch
[carrying an old white couch with Alex] We got a street couch!
Oh, hell no! We agreed, no more garbage furniture!
[whining] But I want it! Oh, we got that savings account you wanted.
But we needed that! [exhales sharply] Fine.
Yes! Excuse us, ladies.
S2Handy
RRandy
Those examples are bullshit and you know it! I'm gonna do what troubled young men have done for centuries… Go to sea.
S2Birthdaze
[Josh and Emily return to the adult party in the garage and all the parents have gone completely out of control, and are creating a raucous]
TTrish
Oh, my God. Wouldn't it be funny if we all made out?
JJojo
Ha, let's get naked and fight! [punches Ted in the face]
TTed
Ow! I'm down.
[shocked in horror] What the butt?! We were gone for five minutes!
What'd you expect? You gave a bunch of parents a keg. Everyone knows once you have kids you can't hold your liquor.
JJojo
Hey, what's the first rule of naked fight club?
[The drunken parents exit the garage and start mocking of The Amazing Sardini as Josh and Emily try to settle them down]
TTed
Fake thumb!
PGParty guest
Magic sucks!
JJojo
Suck your own [bleep]!
ASAmazing Sardini
Ma'am! There are children here!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Close Enough pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.