Josh Singleton quotes from Close Enough

Josh

We're not your parents!

Of course you are. That was the price for the quilt, remember? Remember? [spiders crawl out of her mouth]

Josh

Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast? I only ordered it like 20 minutes ago.

Says here you ordered it three days ago.

Josh

THREE DAYS?! Where the hell is Emily?!

Candice

Daddy, what's an ass knife?

Josh

Uh, huh. That's a different lesson!

Candice

Aw sick! Look at what they're putting in the meat!

Alex

That is...so gross.

Josh

Dude, look up there! [reads a pig-shaped sign reading "Not Stolen Hams"] I bet there's hams in there.

Factory Tour's on Thursdays. [he picks up Candice] Hello sweetie, I have the perfect place for you.

Candice

Let's play King Kong.

Candice

Uh, dad?

Josh

AAAAAAH!

Bridgette

[knocking on the bathroom door and opens it while Becca is taking a shower; angrily] BECCA! You have been in there for three hours! I need to shower!

Thank you so much! I would love a nice coffee.

Josh

[entering] Becca, you've been binging old seasons of "Survivor" for three days. Could I watch something?

Ooh, an iced coffee sounds yum. Th-a-a-a-nks.

Josh

[carrying an old white couch with Alex] We got a street couch!

Emily

Oh, hell no! We agreed, no more garbage furniture!

Josh

[whining] But I want it! Oh, we got that savings account you wanted.

Emily

But we needed that! [exhales sharply] Fine.

Josh

Yes! Excuse us, ladies.

Josh

Man, I don't like this. You seem pretty sick.

Alex

Oh, yeah? Could a guy who's… pretty sick mail a letter? [later crawls outside over to the mailbox to mail a letter]

Josh

Alex, are you okay?

Alex

Nailed it.

Josh

You threw up on the way over here.

Alex

Yeah. As a joke.

Emily

Okay. We're taking you to a doctor.

Alex

Doctor? No! I said no doctors! Doctors have killed many people in history than Genghis Khan and Chaka Khan combined.

Pearle

Alex, would you relax? I see like 50 doctors a week. They don't kill people.

Alex

Why don't you tell that to my dad?! [groans weakly as he walks back inside]

Candice

Awkward.

Alex

[clears throat] "Eons ago…"

Emily

[outraged] What the [bleep]?!

Josh

This sucks!

Bridgette

It makes me want to kill myself!

Josh

You've made me hate reading more than I already do! [takes the flat screen TV off the wall and throws it, making it explode]

Alex

Wait, what?! Is it really that bad?

Bridgette

Let's kick him in the nuts!

Josh

[in Candice's body] Whoa! Everyone's freakin' huge!

Candice

[in Emily's body] Hell, yeah, I'm old enough to cuss!

Bridgette

[in Alex's body] I'm literally inside my ex. My therapist is gonna love this.

Emily

[in Josh's body] Wait. So who's in Bridgette?

[in Bridgette's body] That's Sir Bridgette!

Josh

Lotta cars.

Alex

[spots a car, thinking it's about to backup] Ah-ha! See? A space is opening up as we speak. [the car's tale lights go off; annoyingly honks the horn, unaware that the driver is doing her taxes]

[gets out of her car and runs to Alex's car; irately] I'M DOING MY TAXES, DICKWEED! [violently slams her fists on the hood; Alex and Josh scream and drive away] I'm gonna deduct your head from your body!