TV show quotes
Owing to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over alleged unofficial use of his likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's mental calculations will be played by... Al Pacino!
Oh my God, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!
Follow me to the Command Center.
This is just a coffee machine.
(annoyed) Welcome to the Command Center!.
Okay then. Other than watching you die, there's really nothing else we can do here.
No, I know there's no virus, because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about anything.
What about that time I said "there's two great jobs down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, huge opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months and then move on"? [Realizes] Oh, my God! You're right, I'm always wrong!
Now hold on a second there, Dante. Sometimes, it's hard not to be gay.
[After Dante has saved the town by reluctantly (and fraudulently) admitting that he's gay]
Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard!
[After he and Jay both beat Charles Barkley senseless]
WE do the "Science Sez" segments. GOT IT?
Hey, yo clerks! You- [slips on soda on the floor and falls] I think that stuff just kicked in, Silent Bob.
Show us on the doll where they touched you!
Nobody touched me.
Who was it? There's no hiding from your past! Who touched you?
I hate you.
[Randal addresses an all African-American jury of professional basketball players.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dante Hicks is just like you: he looooves Grape Soda. He knows what it's like when the guy behind the counter won't take your "food stamps." He knows what it's like to wait all month for your "welfare check."
[Randal calls Dante at 7:59 to tell him he can take care of the Quick Stop by himself.]
[sleepily] Just call if you need anything.
[on the phone] Oh, like that'll happen.
[Dante hangs up the phone the clock turns to 8:00. The phone rings. Dante Picks up the phone and hears glass breaking and screaming.]
Hello?!
Umm...hello.
What's all that racket?!
That's..the..TV.
I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee pee on the ashes!!
Oh my God, who's that?!
That...that's Regis.
Who are you talking to, BOY?!! [more glass breaking] Answer me!!!
Maybe he'll answer to this!
[chainsaw revs up and more screaming is heard]
Randal!
Maybe you better get down here.
Hey, are you the biggest idiot ever?
No, you are.
Okay, this isn't a dream then.
[Dante and Leonardo wobble through the school trophy hallway, drunk.]
Stupid reunion.
Yeah, stupid.
Look at that trophy. I never won a trophy! And now they don't even remember me! I was the manager!
I was the manager of...
Stupid team. I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball... Good night.
[Dante passes out and Leonardo follows.]
I found a yearbook. Look, there I am in the team picture.
I don't see any manager.
See? I'm right there, that's my arm. They cropped me out.
Right.
What about this picture? It proves I was the team manager.
Yearbook photos are pretty easy to fake. See?
All right! Anyone who was ever remotely connected to the baseball team, there's gonna be a private party in my van. BYOB. But first, let's beat this guy up again for trying to be like us even though he's still different.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Clerks: The Animated Series pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
