Piper Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Phoebe

What's going on here?

Piper

Your grandmother hates her grandson. That's what's going on.

Grams

That's not true.

Piper

Oh, I'm sorry, you just hate men, is that correct?

Paige

Ghosts can still feel pain. Maybe I can just orb his testicles somewhere.

Piper

Paige there will be no talk of testicle orbing in front of the child

Leo

Not around his daddy either.

Piper

Grams was alive when she banished the Necromancer, right?

Phoebe

Right.

Piper

Okay, well, now she's dead!

Paige

You sound so happy about that.

Phoebe

You and Leo are back in the saddle?

Piper

So to speak..

Phoebe

Yay you! God I miss sex!

Piper

Friend or foe?

Phoebe

Not so sure yet.

Chris

What do you mean? I saved Paige, didn't I?

Phoebe

Oh, you call that saving, do you?

Piper

What are you doing?

Chris

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over here.

Piper

You expect us to beat the Titans dressed like this?! Maybe at a costume party!

Chris

That's not a costume. That represents your new position and power.

Paige

Power? Power's good. I like power. Why do I like power?

Chris

Because you are the Goddess of War.

Paige

Ahh. Well, I guess that explains the pitch fork.

Chris

It's not a pitch fork, it's a trident. Be careful, that's a formidable weapon.

Paige

Right on. Who wants to fight?

Phoebe

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Chris

You're the Goddess of Love.

Piper

Naturally. Well, then that must make me the Goddess of Sanity because I find this ridiculous!

Leo

You need to channel your hearth and home instincts to fight the Titans.

Piper

I was speaking from the heart not the hearth.

Leo

You're not the ancient greeks, you're the charmed ones. I didn't give you anything you can't handle. Phoebe, you lost yourself to the darkest love that ever existed, and you came back. Of course you can handle being the Goddess of Love.

Phoebe

I never thought of it that way.

Leo

Paige, you're the Goddess of War because you've been consumed with gaining power but you've never let the power consume you. And Piper, is it any wonder that I made you the Goddess of Earth? You are everything that is good and beautiful in this world, the mother of my son.

Piper

You really have that much faith in us?

Leo

You really need to ask that?

Phoebe

Thank God!

Piper

You're welcome.

Phoebe

Oh, Piper, hi! You're never gonna believe this. I think I have a new power. It would certainly explain a lot of my weird behaviour lately, like why I wanted to date Chad and why my advice has been so amazingly accurate. I know, this is huge, right? Huge. So what's my new power you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Do you remember that empath we helped a couple of years ago? That guy that could feel what other people were feeling?

Chris

Uh, Phoebe.

Phoebe

Just a sec. I think that's what I am now. An empath. I am an empath. That's my new power. Or at least an advancement of my premonition power, I don't know.

Chris

Neither does she, I'm afraid. Know, that is, anything. Paige erased her memory.

Piper

Can you blow things up too?

Hell's bells. What have we got here? What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?

On your knees.

Excuse me? I got a better idea. How bout you get on your knees instead.

Who are you to speak to us that way?

Kara.

You don't command us, we command you.

Piper

This isn't Valhalla. You don't have dominion over men here.

Then how do you train them? How do they take orders?

Piper

They don't.

Piper

(to Wyatt) Okay, bud, here we go. Here we go, okay. Hey, lookie, how about this? (picks up a teddy) You like this guy? Hello. No? Pheebs, a little help here.

Phoebe

We hate that toy. It's yucky and crusty and gross.

Piper

Okay, then what does he want?

Phoebe

That. (points at the TV)

Piper

Yeah, see, I am a failure.

Paige

No, you're not. We just happen to have more pressing concerns right now than the media's influence.

I don't know what's happening here, I...

Paige

Well, it's called magic, Kaneisha. Witchcraft, specifically. I really love your... jacket! (orbs the jacket to her)

Phoebe

Wanna see more magic? Let's check in with Piper at the Golden Gate Bridge. Take it away, Piper!

Phoebe

She's at her new temp job.

Chris

She's still on that kick?

Piper

It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

Chris

Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?