Piper Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Piper

He's still staring at me!

Phoebe

That’s not staring, that’s flirting!

Piper

You say tomato…

Phoebe

No! I say relaxo!

Piper

Prue, it's me leaving you another message after leaving Phoebe another message. I tried you at work, but they said you never checked in after your shoot, so where are you guys? (Piper sees the same guy as before standing at the other end of the bar). Uh, look, so call me, or better yet, just show up and save me from having to perform an impending awkward rejection all by myself.

Hi, I'm Caleb.

Piper

Piper.

I'm sorta new in town and I'm looking to meet someone... (Piper looks away uncomfortably) someone special? (Piper gives him a blank stare) I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your phone call to your...

Piper

Fiance. Very large, very jealous, fiance.

Really? Does he ever come here?

Piper

Hahaha, yeah! All the time.

So he-he-he lives nearby?

Piper

Uh, look, I'm flattered, and you know, if this was another time or place... uhh, maybe you'd like to meet one of my single sisters?

You've got sisters, rrreally? Well, maybe we could all, uh, get together sometime? (Piper turns away, clearly exasperated) Uh, does your fiance like to hang out with your sisters too?

Piper

Okay, uhh, you know what? I don't know what kind of kinky stuff you're into, but there's a club, down the street, you might be more comfortable in. They've got, uh, cages and rubber floors, and a three-for-two special on Fridays.

Prue

Anything?

Piper

Nope

Phoebe

Maybe if you did it again with a little more "ummph", you know? Maybe some choreography, Piper could back you up with some old school beatbox.

Prue

How did I know I wouldn't get any help from you crazy people?

Leo

Why don't we try focusing on the positive? They're together.

Piper

That's it, that's your positive?! 'Cause I've got a list a mile long in the negative column.

Prue

You know, if this doesn't work, I can look back and pinpoint the exact moment where it all went wrong.

Piper

And that moment's name would be Dad? Prue, you gotta admit if he can open the door, we kinda need him.

Prue

It's all about word choice Piper, we don't need him, we need his utter lack of power. Right? He opens the door, we save the day, we get on with our lives. It's a one-time group effort.

Piper

Glad to see you have a healthy handle on the situation, Prue.

Prue

I think I do!

Piper

So, your interest in me?

Uh, huh. Strictly professional. I was lost. But until I was sure who you were I couldn't just come out and say, hey are you a Charmed One, 'cause I need you to take me to my demon-catching truck.

Leo

Piper, what are you doing?

Piper

Getting irritated. Who put Lady Attitude in charge?

Leo

She's not in charge.

Piper

Really? 'Cause she's acting like it. I thought Whitelighters were supposed to guide, not dictate.

Phoebe

Who's Natalie?

Piper

She's a f...

Leo

(interrupting) Fellow whitelighter. See, I finished your sentence.

Piper

Hm. That's not what I was going to say.

You must prepare yourselves for battle. Mentally, physically, spiritually, sartorially...

Phoebe

I'm sorry, what?

Piper

She doesn't like our clothes.

You need clothes that are loose and move. That means no more braless, strapless... fearless attire.

Prue

Okay, then I have nothing to wear.

Alright, lets pretend I'm the enemy.

Prue

Oh, that is way too easy.

Very funny. Now, talk me through how you plan to separate me from my crossbow.

Piper

OK, first I freeze you.

I deflect that.

Phoebe

I guess I could levitate and kick you.

You just kicked a clone.

Prue

All right, how about I send in an astral Prue as a decoy and then I just ... (flicks her hand and yanks the piece of wood out of Natalie's hand) Oh, I'm so sorry. (Phoebe laughs at Prue's sarcasm)

Not as sorry as you would be if I just blinked behind you and stabbed you to death.

Prue

Well, that would be bad.

Piper

Ouch.

Phoebe

All right, you know what? This is too hard. Usually in these situations, you know, everything happens so quickly. The adrenaline is pumping.

I want you to think using your brains, not your glands. Now try again.

Phoebe

Hey, if we don't vanquish Eames, can we at least vanquish Natalie?

Piper

Don't tempt me.

What the hell are you doing up here?

Phoebe

Kicking your ass!

Prue

Don't even bother trying to orb out. It won't work. You see, you didn't just get the powers of a Whitelighter, but you get their vulnerability too. So the poison in that arrow is killing you just like you killed Natalie.

Piper

It's kind of poetic.

Phoebe

I'm kind of in a rhyming mood--how about you, girls?

Prue

Sure, this poison isn't working fast enough for me.

Time for amends and a victim's revenge ...

Prue

Cloning power, turn sour ... (Eames bursts into flames and screams in agony)

Piper

Power to change, turn to strange ...

Phoebe

(in a mock Texas accent) I'm rejectin' your deflection! (Eames disintegrates)

Phoebe

Piper also babbles when she's nervous.

Piper

I resent that. I am expressing a valid concern about this continuing issue in our lives.

Prue

[walking in] What are you babbling about?

Piper

You know, if I could freeze the two of you, I would. Often.

Leo

I sorta... kinda lost the wedding ring.

Darryl

I've got a great ring guy downtown if you need one.

Piper

He doesn't need one, he has a ring. Mom's ring. I gave it to him, so he could give it back to me at the perfect, romantic moment!

Phoebe

Wow, Leo, you lost Mom's ring. It's a good thing you're dead already.

Leo

I had it in my pocket, Piper. All the orbing in and out...

Piper

Your orbs are grass if you do not find that ring.