Piper Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Phoebe

Remember, I taught you how to french kiss.

Piper

You broke your ankle when you were seven. Come on Prue, we went to Duran Duran together, you stretched out my leg warmers.

Phoebe

And then you gave them to me.

Phoebe

Fifth wheel cutting in.

Piper

Oh would you stop that.

Phoebe

Well it is a double date.

Prue

It would have been a triple date if Kevin hadn't cancelled.

Phoebe

I know, it seems to be an epidemic lately, guys cancelling on me.

Piper

You know what happens when they cancel?

Prue

Ooh, back to square one!

Piper

Do not pass go

Phoebe

And all accrued nookies credits are thrown out!

There's a penalty?

Prue

So we're actually supposed to believe that you're Cupid?

You believe in warlocks and demons but you can't believe in me?

Piper

Where's the chubby baby?

Phoebe

Guys.

Prue

And the bow and arrow?

Where's the warty chins, hooked noses and pointy hats?

Prue

Alright, show us something supernatural.

Drazi took my ring. It's my powers, how I get in.

Prue

Get in?

People's hearts, to waken love. See but Drazi's all about hate and he's gonna use the ring to get in the same way.

Piper

You're still gonna have to back up the Cupid claim.

Okay, fine. (he points to Piper) Dan, (points to Prue) Jack, (points to Phoebe) Clay (points to Prue) Andy. My sincerest condolences. Eric in London, Alec in college, (points to Piper) Not Jeremy the warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade, (points to Phoebe) Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, (Prue and Piper look at Phoebe surprised) Martin, Peter, Paul, Tony.

Phoebe

Okay, you know I didn't love all those guys, right?

Yeah, well, they wanted to love you but your closed heart eventually sent them away.

Phoebe

My closed heart? I do not have a closed heart.

Look, if people get the feeling that there's nothing there, then eventually it's hasta la vista, Phoebe. That explains the recent rush of cancelled dates.

Prue

Okay, so wait, our past relationships, you made those happen?

Well, actually, my assignment here's only two years old. I helped you two meet Jack and Dan but most of your prior loves were work from fellow agents.

Piper

Agents?

Oh, yeah, I'm just one of many. We work in secret all over the world making connections.

Piper

Did you connect me and Leo?

Uh, no. That was the work of you two. Those connections were forbidden to make for obvious reasons.

Phoebe

Um, can we go back to the hasta la vista remark please?

(scoffs at Cupid) Hiding behind witches' skirts?

Piper

Stealing things that don't belong to you?

Prue

We have a baby?

Piper

Phoebe picked it up at the police station.

Prue

Okay, I thought you were going to request a job, not a kid.

Phoebe

Piper, you'll be fine, don't be afraid.

Prue

Yeah, Just think of it as a test run.

Piper

I don't need a test run. I remember when Phoebe was a baby, and it was hard on Mom, and endless, and with you dropping her all the time!

Phoebe

What?!

Prue

Oh, moving on!

Piper

Wait, you enrolled? Phoebe, this is huge.

Phoebe

Hugest thing I've done since I came back home. I mean, aside from vanquishing demons, and saving the world from evil, of course!

Prue

Great party. We should do this more often.

Piper

Yeah. Maybe next time we can trim the guest list by one.

Prue

Piper. I had to invite Leo. He was at the club when I went to go pick up the supplies. He knew that we were throwing a party.

Piper

Well, didn't you think maybe he'd feel a little awkward being here because of Dan?

Prue

It doesn't look like he feels too awkward to me. Look, Piper, he's been mortal for what? A couple of weeks now? I mean, I felt bad for him. He doesn't know anybody and it's not like there's a fallen Whitelighters support group to join or anything.

Piper

Prue, I'm not upset with you. I'm just… I'm…I'm upset with the whole situation.

Prue

Well, Leo's just going to have to accept the fact that you're with... Dan now. You are still with Dan, right?

Piper

Yes. Of course. What do you think they're talking about?

Prue

You.

Piper

Great.

Phoebe

Hey, you guys! Give me a break, it's after midnight, I have mentors tomorrow.

Piper

Sorry Pheebs. Didn't realize we were being so loud.

Prue

Why don't you take a study break? Clear your head, come on down.

Phoebe

I can't, I have too many phobias. To learn about for my psych exam. I had no idea there are so many. Claustrophobia, arachnophobia, kleptophobia, phallusphobia.

Prue

Relaxaphobia.

Phoebe

Cute.

Prue

Just trying to help.

Phoebe

You can help by keeping it down. Did I mention it's after midnight?

Piper

Twice.

Prue

Party's breaking up anyway.

Phoebe

Thank you.

Piper

What the hell are they talking about?

Leo

My favorite ball player? Joe DiMaggio. Hands down.

Dan

DiMaggio? No, I meant when you were growing up.

Leo

DiMaggio was... my grandfather’s favorite. That’s why he’s mine too.

Dan

You know Leo, this is just an observation, but uh, you don't like to talk about your past that much. Do you?

Leo

It's just not all that interesting, really.

Dan

Not that interesting? I mean, being in the army sounds pretty interesting. How, I mean, how long have you been out?

Leo

Piper.

Piper

Hi guys. Having fun? Not talking about me too much, I hope.

Dan

No. No. Not at all.

Piper

No?

Dan

Actually Leo was about to fill me in on his army experience.

Piper

The army? Huh. Whoops. Look at the time. Gotta call it a night. Party's over.

Piper

Good night everybody.

Phoebe

Finally.

Prue

You guys be safe.

Thank you.

Phoebe

Okay, I asked you guys once to keep it down...

Piper

Phoebe?

Prue

Phoebe? Hey, are you alright?

Phoebe

Uh... Yeah. I think so.

Piper

What happened?

Phoebe

I don't know. But I'd sure like to find out.

Phoebe

Thanks.

Leo

You sure you're alright?

Phoebe

I'm fine, really.

Dan

You're lucky. Falling down like that you really could've hurt yourself.

Prue

Maybe we should call it a night, huh? Let her get some rest.

Piper

Uh, okay. I'll walk you out.

Dan

Okay. Hey, Leo. Comin'?

Phoebe

Er, no... He has to stay here and...

Prue

...Um, take glasses back to P3.

Dan

Now? At this hour?

Piper

I'm a tough boss. Ready?

Leo

Nice chatting with you.

Dan

Yeah, you too.

Leo

I thought he'd never leave.

Piper

The hell were you two chatting about all night?

Prue

Piper, do you mind? Phoebe, so what really happened?

Phoebe

Uh... Okay, I heard what I thought were party noises. So I came downstairs to check and to yell at you guys. And... I was attacked. By something invisible.

Prue

So, what, like a ghost?

Phoebe

I didn't sense another being. It was more, um... I don't know. Like-like a daydream, I guess.

Piper

A daydream? Since when do daydreams attack people?

Phoebe

It wasn't really an attack, it was more of... a seduction.

Leo

Interesting daydream.

Phoebe

Yeah.

Prue

So, I guess the question is what was it?

Phoebe

Have you ever run across anything like this? I mean, as a Whitelighter?

Leo

Not really.

Piper

Which means we have no idea if it's going to strike again or not.

Phoebe

Ok. Family tree. I know I saw one somewhere.

Piper

Uh, I still don't understand.

Phoebe

We were all related. Cousins. And we lived here at the manor back in the twenties.

Piper

Together? Here? So much for evolution.

Prue

Wait. So you saw us in our past lives? I mean, did we look the same?

Phoebe

Uh, yeah. You did, actually. Kind of.

Prue

What are you guys doing here?

Phoebe

We are rescuing you! From the tall, dark and NAKED man!!!!

Prue

I told you to stay away.

Phoebe

Yeah, now I know why. He is yummy. (clears her throat.)

Piper

I don’t believe this! We’ve been frantic, worried sick about you thinking you’ve been kidnapped...

Prue

Yeah, I was...

Piper

(points to the side of the bed) Panties.

Prue

Oh, oh! (She rushes to the bedside and picks them up.) Huh, thanks. Look, uh, you guys have really got this all uh—(looks at her underwear in her hand) wrong.

Piper

Yeah, we know. It’s a trap.

Phoebe

A tall, dark, and naked trap.

Piper

Leo's mortal now and everything, but for how long? I mean, how do I know he won't want his wings back someday? And then there's Dan. Who is still great. And normal. Which is good, considering I'm not.

Phoebe

28 minutes, 33 seconds.

Piper

Really? We ran that long?

Phoebe

No, I've been timing how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.

Piper

First, I'd like to tell you how relieved I am you're okay.

Phoebe

Me too.

Piper

And secondly, I'd like to tell you that you have completely lost your mind.

Phoebe

Completely lost your mind!

Piper

What would I do without you?

Phoebe

Oh suffer endlessly, no doubt.