Hank Moody quotes from Californication

Hank Moody

No means no, you know.

Hank

I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too buckskin late.

Hank Moody

(pointing at Jesus on cross) I was just having a little chat with your husband here.

Is there anything that I can help you with?

Hank Moody

Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.

Becca

Father?

Hank Moody

Daughter?

Becca

Why is there a naked lady in your room?

Hank Moody

Uh... You. Stay... Right here.

Becca

There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?

Hank Moody

I'll check.

Hank Moody

Now don't I get some say in this?

Karen

No!

Hank Moody

Are you sure? Because it seems like I should.

Hank Moody

Marry me. Don't marry him.

Karen

What?

Hank Moody

Marry me.

Karen

Don't fuck with me.

Hank Moody

I'm not fucking with you, I don't work without you.

Hank Moody

[about a painting] What the fuck is that?

Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.

Hank Moody

I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

Hank Moody

Has a nose ring, you know what that means?

Charlie Runkle

What, she likes it in the nose?

Hank Moody

That is sick.

My baby.

Hank Moody

You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!

No, my dog, Cat Stevens.

Hank Moody

You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!

Hank Moody

What the fuck do you want?

I'm late.

Hank Moody

What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.

I'm late for school.

Hank Moody

Oh, big boy... are you crying?

Charlie Runkle

A little.

Hank Moody

Jesus Christ.

Hank Moody

[catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!

Charlie Runkle

Shit! [falls over]

Hank Moody

'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?

I need to talk to you.

Hank Moody

Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

What's your latest obsession?

Hank Moody

Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.

Hank Moody

Hence my self-loathing.

Hank Moody

Can I ask you something?

Karen

If you must.

Hank Moody

In this past life of ours, was I mean... To you? Did I ever, did I make you feel stupid?

Karen

You weren't mean, no, but you can be pretty hard on people Hank.

Hank Moody

I wish it were different.

Karen

And so do I, but it's not.