Hank Moody quotes from Californication

Hank Moody

I was thinking maybe I'll get into teaching.

Charlie

"There's an idea... Not a particularly good one, but an idea nonetheless"

Hank Moody

I hate you.

It's sobering Hank, to see yourself make faces like that.

Hank

I hear you. No man should ever have to bear witness to his own O face.

Hank

Any place for saying I'm sorry in a romance language?

Karen

I don't know. I'll think about it next time I'm going down on a guy.

Hank

Fair enough, as long as he's slim bent and circumcised.

Hank

I love you.

Karen

I love you too. But what if that's not enough?

Hank

This is not very good pillow talk.

Hank

I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are. I love LA. Seriously, I love it, I can't get enough of it.

Karen

You're so full of shit

Hank

Will you marry me Karen? Queen of my dreams, mother of my child. Lady of the Valley.

Karen

Anymore?

Hank

Fuck no I'm out... I'm so wet right now, are you?

Karen

You can always check it out for yourself.

Karen

Maybe they have one of those, you know, like, open relationships or something.

Hank

Ew! No, no, no, no, no. That- that is disgusting. That is not a possibility. The open relationship does not exist. It's like an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or-

Karen

Ph, okay. So that's where you draw the line? At open relationships?

Hank

Yes! That's thoroughly offensive to me.

Karen

Huh. The mouth-rapist who sleeps with prostitutes is offended.

Hank

No. Come on. Look, my ethical unpredictability is default proof of its hard-won vitality. Because I'm not, like, by rote or programmatic about it. I think this shit through, every issue.

Mia

Hank Moody, this is Annika Staley of Rolling Stone Magazine.

Hank

Really? The Rolling Stone Magazine? The one that used to have some cultural relevance?

Karen

[at parent-teacher meeting] Well, long story short, we were together, and now we're apart.

Hank

Again.

So, you're divorced?

Hank

Not exactly.

It's okay. I'm not judging. You know, I'm divorced. Pretty recently, actually.

Karen

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hank

Right on!

Karen

Hank. We were never married so...

Hank

No, but I did ask... a number of times.

Karen

Okay, not the time or the place, Hank.

Hank

I gave her a ring, she gave it back. I gave it to a homeless woman.

I'm sorry. That's so sad.

Hank

It worked out for the homeless woman.

Karen

We're together when it comes to raising Becca.

Hank

Well, yes, but not always. For instance, I want Becca to be a lesbian when she grows up, and Karen just wants her to be happy. That's ridiculous. Like you can't be both? A happy lesbian?

Hank

How was I supposed to know who his mother was?

Karen

Oh, well, if you were not so preoccupied with sticking your dick in any hole that will have you, you might notice these things.

Hank

Yes, but you kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don't generally fare well, in the rain and the wind and all that.

Karen

Hank, will you shut up, okay?

Hank

My homeless dick now must seek shelter from the storm where and whence it can.

Karen

Did she say to you, "Oh, Hank, I love your writing"?

Hank

You see that? This is why we should be together. You just know my shit. It's perfect.

Hank

I’m warning you; tomorrow I’m going to be pretty pissed at you. Tonight, I’m just high-fiving Jesus that you’re okay.

Becca

I’m sorry about the car.

Hank

It’s just a car…

Becca

You love that car.

Hank

No, I love you

Becca

I love you too and I’m scared

Hank

Why?

Becca

I don’t want you to be guilty. I don’t want people to look at you that way. I want them to know how great you can be.

Hank

You shouldn’t be thinking about that. That’s too much for your brain. All you should be thinking about is boys and rock ‘n roll and stealing your old man’s car keys. But not anymore because I’ll chop your hands off. Okay?

Becca

It was a nice day wasn’t it?

Hank

It was. It was really nice. It was the perfect day.

Becca

Right up until I ruined it.

Hank

You didn’t ruin anything. You just made a mistake. A really terrible mistake, we all do. Look at me, I take a breath and make a mistake. Then we just get back up and shoot for another perfect day.

Becca

I’m going to be thinking good thoughts dad, on Monday.

Hank

Thank you.

Hank

How the fuck did we get here?

Karen

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

Hank

Undoubtedly, I am currently accepting blame for everything: volcanoes, earthquakes, oil spills, steroids, rap music… it’s all my fault.

Karen

You tricked me, you know? You tricked me, I would hear the doorbell ring and I would be running towards it. I’d be thinking, “I don’t even like this guy, this is just some stupid fling.” Then I would open the door and all of those thoughts would disappear, because I’d see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile.

Hank

He was a good guy, that smile. I don’t see him around much anymore. I miss him.

Karen

Strange, it changed so fast. Once you were my future, then you were my misery…

Hank

Nice…

Karen

Now you’re almost my past

Hank

Almost…

Hank

[as Charlie walks away] See you in hell [falsetto] MOTHERFUCKER!

Charlie

[turns around and yells] Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you!

Karen

How was your day... honey?

Hank

Uh... weird. I spent the day with perverts and whores.

Karen

Well...

Hank

Don't worry. I didn't sleep with any of them. Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.

Karen

Gross, and I don't even care.

Hank

Sure you do, Karen.

Karen

No, I don't. Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things.

Hank

You do too... have rights. You have the baby mama's bill of rights.

Hank

[to Charlie] It's all right. It's all right, baby boy. Tonight we drink. Tomorrow you start making some phone calls. An opportunity will present itself. If not, we can always stuff our pockets full with rocks and walk hand-in-hand into the Pacific.

Charlie

That sounds romantic.