Michelle Simms quotes from Bunheads

Michelle

It is not possible that all of this stuff is mine. It's a physical impossibility.

I'm pretty sure it's all yours.

Michelle

A-ha! "Pretty sure." That's not absolutely sure.

I'm pretty absolutely sure. It's all on the manifest.

Fanny

[sees all the stuff from the movers] What's going on here?

Michelle

I'm being robbed in reverse.

Fanny

What?

Michelle

Things are being brought to me that I do not own or want.

Fanny

They just lopped my head off.

Game of Thrones.

Fanny

With no warning.

Ned Starked her.

Michelle

I'm rereading. I see nothing about a a head, a guillotine, an evil boy king with mommy issues. I'm behind here!

Michelle

[talking about Godot] So what's your angle with this guy? What are your moves?

Melanie

We don't really have any.

Michelle

Oh, so you need me to help? Cool. Okay, first thing to know about guys like that is keep your sentences short. Don't mention Tolstoy or math, it will just make you sad. Oh, and it really helps if you have a car and an income, 'cause that guy's got nothin'.

Sasha

Thanks.

Michelle

And he never will. No money, no car, no thoughts of money or a car. Trust me, if there's a second set of shorts at home, you've hit the jackpot.

Sasha

Got it.

Michelle

Good. Oh, and he won't start showering till he's thirty. Or he's been skunked. Don't know why. It's a thing. Young pretty guys like that will do anything to get out of bathing. Johnny Depp moved to France.

Sasha

Could you please just go?

Michelle

Maybe she's testing to see how dedicated you are to ballet.

Ginny

What?

Michelle

How bad you want it.

Sasha

What are you talking about?

Michelle

Well, the door is locked and the only way to get more ballet is to find another way in. Are you willing to dig a tunnel under the studio with nothing but a plastic spoon, and then cut a giant hole in the floor with the chain saw you dragged along, and then once inside, repair the floor with nothing more than a glue gun, some bobby pins and your wits? [the girls just stare at her] Well, I see she has her answer.

Sasha

Please don't wait with us anymore.

Michelle

What book are you talking about?

"Fifty Shades of Grey."

Michelle

Great. Sorry to interrupt the end of literature as we know it, but has anyone seen Fanny?

[taking a tour of Paradise] What's that?

Michelle

That is the surf wax store.

What do they sell?

Michelle

Surf wax.

And...?

Michelle

Surf wax.

And?

Michelle

Surf wax.

And?

Michelle

[gives her a look] Surf wax. I can keep this up as long as you can.

Weird!

Michelle

What's weird is it used to be a flip-flop store, where they sold flip-flops.

And?

Michelle

Really?

Michelle

[when Talia wants to go into Sparkles] Whoa Tex, we can't go in there!

Why not?!

Michelle

Uh, you know how in a fairytale there's a bridge that leads to a castle with a beautiful princess that's locked in a tower, but there's a crazy little troll that lives under the bridge and in order to rescue the princess you have to deal with the troll?

Yeah?

Michelle

Well, welcome to Sparkles where the motto is "If you're a princess, you're screwed".

Michelle

Please tell me this is my last class of the day.

Boo

Nope. You still have-

Michelle

Roomba! I just remembered.

Boo

It's 'Zumba.' Tomorrow's a big day too. You have Jazzercise at 9:00...

Michelle

Ugh, skinny people.

Boo

You teach the Weitzman couple their wedding dance at 10:00...

Michelle

Ugh, happy people.

Boo

Then it's a sold-out swing class.

Michelle

Ugh, people.

Boo

Fanny extended her trip. She's not coming back 'til next week.

Michelle

What? Why didn't she tell me?!

Boo

She posted it on Facebook.

Michelle

That doesn't count as telling me. Why do people think they can just share news on Facebook and automatically everyone will know?

Boo

Because everyone's on Facebook.

[seeing the stripper pole in the ballet studio] Are you teaching my daughter to strip?! No judgement. I always tell her she should have something to fall back on. I figured typing, but this could be good too.

Michelle

We're adding some new classes. Cardio-striptease will now be offered Fridays at 10:00. Right between "I wish I was still in bed" and "where did I go wrong". [Nanette laughs]

Boo

[the girls are drying the wet carpet with blow-driers] How long have we been doing this?

Melanie

Three hours.

Sasha

Last semester we read "No Exit." I didn't get it, but I do now.

Boo

How do we know when we're done?!

Michelle

When the carpet's dry and doesn't smell like mildew.

Melanie

What does mildew smell like?

Ginny

It smells like it sounds.

Michelle

Hey, did you break your legs?

Sasha

What?

Michelle

Are those prosthetics you had to carve yourself out of an old dining-room set? That's why you're late?

Sasha

No.

Michelle

Then what's your damage, Heather?

Sasha

What?

Michelle

Boy, if anyone should know that reference it's you. Stream it, download it, Wikipedia it, Google "people who steal for no reason whatsoever." Get to know the real you.

Sasha

Why are you freaking out?

Michelle

Because, Winona, you know you can't even be a minute late for class. Fanny's rule, not mine.

Sasha

Fanny's not here.

Michelle

Madame Fanny to you. And no, she's not here, but her class is, her studio is, and her rules sure as hell are. But you know all this, don't you? You know that this kind of behavior will not fly. I mean, forget whatever beef you think you have with me, but there are kids here who want to dance, friends of yours.

Sasha

I don't have a beef with you.

Michelle

Why are you doing this? Why are you forcing me into this role? I don't want to be this person, this authority figure. It's not me. And now you've got me talking about rules and your behavior, and I look stern and I think I wagged my finger. Did I wag my finger? You made me wag my finger! I'm not a disciplinarian. I'm not a grown-up! Well, I don't want to be! I'm not here to teach you anything. Except ballet. I am here to teach you ballet. So you have two minutes to get that hair in a bun and get your butt back to the barre or don't bother coming back to class. Period! [sotto voce as she leaves the room] Made me say period. Punk ass kid.

[watching a play from the back and making notes] Oh God, shoot me now.

Michelle

What was wrong with that?

She's carrying the book in her downstage hand. She does that every time. I correct her every time.

Michelle

It looks okay to me.

It's not, okay? It's not.

Michelle

Director, right?

And imminent suicide victim. Conor.

Michelle

Michelle. Hi.

I wish I was.

Michelle

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Michelle

What is this about?

I have no idea.

Michelle

No, really.

No, really. I have no idea. The playwright thinks he's Eugene O'Neill. This is Ed O'Neill.