Michelle Simms quotes from Bunheads

I don't really subscribe to the customer-gets-to-choose thing.

Michelle

Really?

No.

Michelle

It's a popular subscription.

How many coffee-brewing awards do you have?

Michelle

Twelve.

I beat the Italians and the French.

Michelle

I see.

No one beats the Italians and the French. They have roasts named after them.

Michelle

Well I'm sure your mother is very proud.

I have two dads. Don't assume.

Fanny

[handing Michelle her phone] Here, you're driving me crazy. Use it to call your phone.

Michelle

It's on vibrate. We won't hear it.

Fanny

Oh please, vibrate still makes that annoying buzzing sound everyone hears even though we're all supposed to pretend it's silent.

Michelle

I'll never have coffee again.

Nah.

Michelle

I'll miss coffee. It smells good. It makes you talk fast. It goes nicely with cake and pie and all your basic baked goods.

Yeah, I'm not really much of a coffee person myself.

Michelle

So why'd you come to the meeting?

I had a feeling that you might not get much of a turnout, though you could use some back up.

Michelle

Oh, a boy scout, huh? Helping an old lady across the street?

I like your shirt. [points to her 'Dance Your Ass Off' shirt]

Michelle

Thanks.

What's it mean?

Michelle

That you're even younger than I realized.

Michelle

You need to keep an open mind.

Fanny

I always have an open mind.

Michelle

Right. But you need to keep an open mind like other people keep an open mind. With a mind that's actually, you know, open.

Fanny

Michelle, how many times have I told you my production of "The Nutcracker" is the highlight of my year?

Michelle

842.

Fanny

And how many times have I told you that these two weeks of shows make up the bulk of my money for the year?

Michelle

12,064.

Michelle

[after Fanny talks about her plans for Montana with Michael] So romantic. I'd be happy to take over while you hang in the mountains with your boyfriend.

Fanny

Thank you.

Michelle

Which one of you is going to be Heath Ledger?

Fanny

You always end the conversation one sentence too late.

Sasha

[all the girls are ignoring each other] Great. Very mature.

Michelle

Hey, what is the what? I'm starving. Where do you guys stash the candy bars?

Sasha

Dancers don't eat candy bars.

Michelle

Yeah right. Suzanne Farrell was sixty percent caramel.

Sasha

Can we help you with something?

Michelle

I just came up to check the state of the room, make sure it's still pink. It is. What's going on here?

Sasha

Apparently while I was off making with the pom-poms some sort of blood feud happened and no one seems ready to let it go no matter how BORING IT"S GETTING!

Michelle

Okay, you four, front and center.

Sasha

Why me? I'm not in a fight.

Michelle

You need a fourth. Watch "The Craft". Move. Okay, as the new sort-of-promoted-kind-of-equal-not-quite-a-partner-but-definitely-someone-with-more-authority-than-she-had-yesterday, I am ordering you to spill. [all the girls look away]

Sasha

Boo likes Charlie, Charlie likes Ginny, Melanie says Ginny can't date Charlie because Boo liked him first, but Ginny thinks since Boo likes Carl she relinquishes Charlie, who should revert back to the open market. And me, I wish we were all lesbians.

"In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

Michelle

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".

Oh, so close.

Michelle

Same shorts. New shirt?

Same shirt. Inside out.

Michelle

Wow, very Kate Middleton.

She is my primary role model.

Michelle

It's my zombie apocalypse vegas slut bag. I take it with me to every performance with me always. It has everything you would need in any sort of situation- Money, power bars, water, flaxseed oil, bobby pins, hair spray, ponytail holders, boob tape so your- on your boobs, don't look so hello.

Fanny

I know what boob tape does.

Michelle

...Condoms, handcuffs, handcuff keys.

Fanny

You're like an X-rated Mary Poppins.

Michelle

Then of course band-Aids, ace bandage, rape whistle, disposable cellphone, lipstick case you can hide some cyanide in, pretty mace...

Fanny

Pretty mace?

Michelle

Yep, mace that comes in a pretty little shiny bottle that if I pulled it out would say to the zombie apocalypse mugger, "don't be afraid of my pretty shiny bottle. It won't do anything but blind you!"

Fanny

Good lord.

Michelle

Oh and here, eyelash glue. And junior mints. 'Cause seriously, why not?

Michelle

So is he outside or still on his way?

Sasha

Who?

Michelle

Dude.

Sasha

Outside.

Michelle

[shouts] Yo, Roman! [Roman walks in] Hello, Roman.

Hello, Michelle.

Michelle

You getting taller?

Maybe.

Michelle

You're getting taller.

Sasha

How did you know?

Michelle

Oh, little one, I have done all that you have done or shall do, thought of all you've thought or shall think. I am all-knowing. I am Michelle.

Can I go?

Michelle

Yes.

Michelle

Does he have teeth?

Rick's friends have teeth. Maybe not the ones they were born with...

Michelle

[Showing Boo a photo of her potential blind date] I'm not going to say any more about it, just give me your thoughts.

Boo

Well, it's a car.

Michelle

It's a human.

Boo

Those aren't headlights?

Michelle

Those are eyeballs.

Boo

She's cute.

Michelle

It's a man.

Boo

Is something eating his face?

Michelle

That is happening, yeah.

Michelle

So you don't need the talk.

Sasha

The talk?

Michelle

The talk. The taaaalk.

Sasha

No, but you can give it anyway. I'd love to hear your version.

Michelle

Well, it's a good one. You'll never use a public toilet seat again.

Michelle

I found it: the perfect place for the amphitheater. Okay, so this morning, a squirrel stole my toothbrush. Actually, I chucked it at him to get him off my windowsill 'cause he was staring at me, and then he took it. So I chased after him and I cornered him against this tree. And it was by the lake that's only sometimes a lake, but then it dries up. But right now it's a lake again. You know?

Fanny

You can't just buy another toothbrush? What? Squirrels have rabies. A toothbrush costs $3.

Michelle

It was pink.

Fanny

Oh, well, if it was pink

Michelle

Raincoat?

Bring it.

Michelle

Bikini?

Bring it.

Michelle

Pajama jeans?

Bring them.

Michelle

Handcuffs?

Toss them in.

Michelle

Hard hat, waffle iron, Bananarama box set?

What the hell are you gonna do with a waffle iron?

Michelle

Scotty, come on. Tell me what this thing is.

Hey, it's my last night. And the rules are whoever has the last night gets to choose the last night blowout activity. Don't flout the rules.

Michelle

But I need details.

I told you, it's in the desert. It's like Burning Man.

Michelle

Which means nothing.

You've heard if Burning Man.

Michelle

Yes, I've heard of Burning Man, but since I've never been to Burning Man, I can only guess what takes place. Like do they really burn a man? And who is this man? Is he annoying? Does he have it coming?