TV show quotes
Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.
Or killed.
Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.
Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Oh, please.
I do!
Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the-the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. "Cool." Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia turns and walks away.]
[to herself] There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once ... I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!
Really? Pop?!
You up for it?
Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.
Just relax. And take your pants off.
Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.
Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
[Thinking he's alone, Xander discovers a bomb in basement of the school]
[to bomb] Hello, nasty. [to himself] Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
[Jack, leader of the zombie gang, knocks him to the floor]
And it just got harder.
I'm not leaving 'til that thing's disarmed.
Then I guess you're not leaving. I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers.
You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds?
[Jack looks at the bomb's clock, then the door, then Xander.]
I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away. I don't love your chances.
Then you'll die, too.
Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is: Who has less fear?
I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Yeah, but this is different. Being blown up isn't walking-around-and-drinking-with-your-buddies dead. It's little-pieces-being-swept-up-by-a-janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
Are you?
[tired smile] I like the quiet.
But ... it's just that it's bugging me ... this cool thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of "cool"?
Not sure.
I mean you, yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Am I?
Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, non-committal phrases?
Could be.
No, you're in a band! That's like a business class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Not the way I play it.
Okay, but on the other hand, eighth grade: I'm takin' the flugelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But ya need a thing. One thing nobody else has. What do I have?
An exciting new obsession, which I feel makes you very special.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, it's very nice to meet you.
Is he evil?
Evil?
The last one was evil.
Oh yes, Gwendolyn Post, we all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials ... rather thoroughly, phoned the Council. But I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Is he evil?
Not in the strictest sense.
Ah, this is perhaps Faith.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Screw that. [she turns and leaves]
Now why didn't I just say that?
Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
I will?
Are you not used to being given orders?
Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says 'please'. And afterwards I get a cookie!
Now hold on, we can deal with this rationally. We have something you want, you have something we want...
A trade, intriguing... No, wait, boring. Pull off his kneecaps!
[Buffy confronts Faith about killing Deputy Mayor Allan Finch (whom she thought was a vampire)]
Faith, you can shut off all the emotions that you want. But eventually, they're gonna find a body.
Okay, this is the last time we're gonna have this conversation, and we're not even having it now, you understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it. The body doesn't exist.
Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away.
It does for me.
Faith, you don't get it - you killed a man.
No, you don't get it - I don't care!
Of course, training procedures have been updated quite a bit since your day. Much greater empasis on field work.
Really?
Oh, yes. Not all books and theory nowadays. I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.
No danger of finding those here.
Vampires?
Controlled circumstances. Hello, Buffy.
Well... hello.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. It's very nice to meet you.
Is he evil?
Evil?
The last one was evil.
Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials, rather thoroughly, and phoned the Council, but I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.
Is he evil?
Not in the strictest sense.
Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. As I'm sure none of us is anxious to waste any time of pleasantries, why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
Vampires.
Yes?
Killed 'em.
Anything else you could tell me?
Uh... one of them had swords. I-I don't think he was with the other two.
Swords? Swords... One long, one short?
Mmm. Both pointy. With, like, jewels and things.
Sounds familiar.
It should.
El Eliminati. 15th--
15th-century duelist cult, deadly in that day. Their numbers dwindled in later centuries due to an increase in anti-vampire activity, and a lot of pointless dueling. They eventually became the acolytes of a demon called Balthazar, who brought them to the New World, specifically here.
You seem to know a lot about them.
I didn't get this job because of my looks.
I really, really believe that.
I've researched this town's history extensively.
So why have we not seen them before this?
They were driven out a hundred years ago. Happily, Balthazar was killed. I don't know by whom.
And they're back 'cause...
Balthazar had an amulet purported to give him strength. When he was killed, it was taken by a wealthy landowner named... I don't want to bore you with the details.
Little bit late.
Named Gleaves. It was buried with him, and I believe the few remaining Eliminati are probably looking for it. For sentimental value.
And you don't think that this amulet poses any threat?
Oh, no, not at all. Nonetheless, we may as well keep it from them. Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.
I will?
Are you not used to being given orders?
Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says please. And afterwards I get a cookie.
I don't feel we're getting off on quite the right foot. Ah. This is, perhaps, Faith.
New Watcher?
New Watcher.
Screw that. [she turns and leaves]
Now, why didn't I just say that?
Uh, Buffy, would you...
I'll see if I can get her back. Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.
They'll get used to me.
[Cordelia Chase makes an entrance, flirts with Wesley, then leaves.]
My. She's cheeky, isn't she?
Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.
I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we've saved by now? Thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.
We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.
Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.
Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?
What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.
To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!
We are better!
[The gang are discussing who should approach Faith.]
She was fighting those apocalypse demon things and I helped out... gave her a ride home.
And you guys talked?
Not extensively, no.
Then why would you... oh!
Oh!
I don't need to say "oh", I got it before. They slept together.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Buffy the Vampire Slayer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
