[she holds a parrot] Aw, cute, cute, cute!
Be careful! I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.
Oh no, the Predator! Someone call Arnold Schwarzenigger!
That's not how you pronounce it, at all.
Hey, little birdie. you don't need to be so sad. Here. [she gave it a zoloft to parrot]
I gave it a zoloft to make him happy.
You can't give a bird zoloft!
[parrot squawks, felt tired]
Oh no. [giggles] That adderall will take the edge off. See?
[parrot coos]
Fly away, god's creature. [she toss a parrot onto the floor and Ethel facepalm]
EEhtel
Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson orphan animal sanctuary. Hello?
So, do Asian people see the world in letterbox?
CKChinese karate teacher
Sure, sure, whatever you say.
"Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.
Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.
This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!
Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.
Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.
Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.
Sure she is. [to Amber] What job would you like, Amber?
I like the baby "aminals".
Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.
Woody, you can't do that!
Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.
Can I get something strong?
BBartender
Beat it, sea world.
How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?
How about I put you in charge of getting you wall-eyed nipples away from me?
What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!
I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!
Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. [she throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor] Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!
[Ethel angrily groans]
Jesus Christ. I can't believe I fell for her too. But that ass is so...no, no, no.
[Amber sobbing]
I thought you were the only one here that didn't look at me like piece of meat. I'm sick of getting by on my looks. and because I never had to work for anything, I suck at everything.
You could be a ranger, and I can help you.
It's not about looks. I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.
SNSee 'n Say Farmer Says
The coyote says...
That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.
I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.
Oh, my god. That's a...fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber. It's time to be a great ranger! [she runs off]
Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next. We can work our scissoring.
Did someone say "scissoring"?
Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber?
Ethel, I...I think we lost her.
I did it! I saved them! [she release some animals after she save them]
Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.
It's not...bad. Here. Ooh, much better.
You were right, Ethel. I can be a great ranger!
So, um...thank you for your bravery, and um...
Oh! Because I have a couple of burns?
No, because I can see through your face.
Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside?
You know what, Woody? Amber's right. Looks or no looks, she does belong to Brickleberry. And I know the perfect place for her.
I should've known I couldn't be a cop. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.
JJonah
[offscreen] You make me proud every day, son.
JJonah
You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was. What more could a father ask?
Didn't you ever get bored here?
JJonah
If I did, I'd just go behind the bush and masturbate.
JJonah
Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger. Now, get out there and take your park back, and If you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.
I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
Now you got me wanting to quit.
Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.
Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.
We know! We all got lyme disease.
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
SSSteve's Camper
We're gonna lose!
SSSteve's Camper
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.
Alright, kids. Who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use-your-imagination swimming? Oh my god, where are they?! What do you think you're doing?!
We're just playing flashlight tag.
In a dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt. [he throws a flashlight to hit a handicap camper on a face] See? Everybody back inside!
No! we're not going back inside. And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore!
You want to split-up the tribe? Fine. Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with. Me, the world's best counselor, or...
FCFat Camper
Connie, we picked Connie.
What?! I guess you four are my only campers. At least you guys like me.
WHWheelchair Handicap Camper
We don't like you. You have our insulin.
And don't you fucking forget it.
There's a finish line! The tribal shield is as good as mine...
[Handicap campers cheering]
WHWheelchair Handicap Camper
We did it!
We did it! 1. 2. 3. 4. No dead kids!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Steve's tribe is the winner!
PHProgeria Handicap camper
Is this a fucking trash can lid?
PDPigmentation Disorder Handicap camper
Here you go, Steve. You finally deserve this. You are the world's best counselor.
PDPigmentation Disorder Handicap camper
To be honest, we all were pretty sure you'll find some way to kill us.
I think this shrunk up a little.
Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?
Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all?
[babbles mockingly] Oh, shut up, Ethel. Our planet is fine. It was here 2,015 years before me, and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.
Wow. Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth?
I know plenty. Here's a free history lesson. Listen and learn.
[After 2,015 years ago]
[offscreen] ♪ Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of fire. Jesus! He killed all the dinosaurs. Jesus! Uppercutting T-Rex. Jesus! Karate kick that motherfucker. Jesus! Making oil for Republicans. Jesus! ♪
And that's pretty much it. Cue the theme song.
♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
What makes you feel that way?
[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
What? How could you hate cows?
There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Well, let's go say hello.
[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!
