Eddie quotes from Bottom

All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

How long for?

Until the end of time.

Righto.

How did you actually catch this fish?

I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no. No, no, no, no, no, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

So it was dead already?

Well it was on its way out, yes. It was coughing very violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine.

So when you ask me, [impersonating Eddie] "Uh, what's for breakfast?" I would say 'something a little unusual.

What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

Really, how did she feel?

She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, slim, modern comedians do that joke.

Yeah, why's that?

'Cos it's shit!

You're not wrong there, matey!

Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

What, with an onion up his bum?

He could be French.

ufasa retanga eranu uvavu

Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!

Well... we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Angus Deayton

Angus Deayton, why?

Because he's got autocue.

Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

[Over-dramatic] Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!

Ohhhhhh, fuck.

Wow! But Eddie, where on earth did you...

Eddie! [Breaks into giggles.]

(to audience) There was a little mistake there, wasn't there? Did you spot it? Fucking bastards! Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! (To Richie who's still giggling) I'm gonna fucking get us out of this one. The yes, yes! The... poisoned dart... the poisoned dart has given you... (to the audience who start laughing) Shut up, give it a fucking chance. The poisoned dart has given you momentary amnesia. (Richie is helpless with laughter to which the audience also laugh) He seems to have a side-effect of excessive giggling. But either way, you probably won't remember the door to the secret Japanese bunker until Act 2 when you're supposed to fucking find out about it!

Why are the Scots such arseholes, Eddie?

Do you mind? I happen to be part Scottish myself, you know!

Really, Eddie? Which part?

My arsehole.

What sort of bloke?

Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

A what?

I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.

Aahh, paradise isn't it, Eddie? Beaches, palm trees, bam-BOO. Palm trees, beaches, bam-BOO. Sand, trees, bam-BOO... God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

I think my theory holds water.

And what theory is that?

That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.

Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.

HE was a volunteer.

No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.

Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!

Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.

Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.

No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!