Richie and Eddie in “Unfinished Business”

I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!

[returns through the window] We've what?

Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.

Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.

Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!

Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?

Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!

The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?

Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!

A-ha! [hangs up the phone]

Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?

One pound.

ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?

Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)

One pound?

...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.

So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?

That's correct, yes. Well done.

Well, it's a result Eddie!

Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!