Diane Nguyen quotes from BoJack Horseman

BoJack

Oh, hey. You're still here.

Diane

Yep. Still here.

Ana

Diane, you'll keep up his internet presence? I want him trending by this afternoon. But good trending, not bad trending, you understand?

Diane

Hashtag you betcha. Oh God, did I just say hashtag out loud? Hashtag, oops. Hashtag, oh no!

Ana

I'm honestly more alarmed by the "you betcha."

Mr. Peanutbutter

Diane, where the hell are you?

Diane

Ojai.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Oh, hi? You've been gone all night and all you have to say is "oh, hi?"

Sometimes, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Diane

You don't think that's a little selfish?

I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy, for the first time in my life. And I'm not gonna feel bad about it. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see that it doesn't have to be that way.

Sextina's music makes me feel strong, like I can do anything.

Diane

It doesn't offend you? What about the part where she says, "I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul / 'cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole"?

It's a joke. You get that it's a joke, right?

Diane

Well, obviously.

Do you think she actually wants to shoot her fetus with a gun?

Look at those children. Little miracles, right?

Diane

They're adorable. Not that I value them based on their looks! Because, of course, children in society today are often reduced to their cuteness. I can't wait to get to know your children as people, so I can specifically compliment them individually on the foundation of their characters.

Mr. Peanutbutter

He's probably just razzin' ya. But he's a good dog. All bark, no bite. Oh, sorry! That's a labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: he's all talk, no shooting you with an assault rifle.

Diane

Is that what you think humans do?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Am I wrong?

Diane, do you ever look up at the stars and feel like they're tiny holes in the sky, sucking out all the oxygen and suddenly you can't breathe because you're thinking about how small you are and meaningless it all is?

Diane

Uh... I guess?

BoJack

The funeral [for Sarah Lynn] was huge. There was so many people there. I kept thinking "I did this to her." And everyone was just standing around like "Well, this was bound to happen." But... it wasn't bound to happen.

Diane

I'm really sorry BoJack.

BoJack

I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying that I'm going to change. I'm poison.

Diane

BoJack...

BoJack

I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.

Diane! What have you been up to? Tell me everything.

Diane

Actually, I've been working on a book of essays...

Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite, and it's very rude of you to assume that I care. I have news that's actually interesting...

You know what your problem is? You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself. It's super helpful for writing hot-take shakedowns, and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.

Diane

But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves - and of the people in our lives?

Of course. But we all fail, Diane. The world is unforgiving enough as it is. The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

Diane

Well, then maybe we should be more forgiving in our content, and maybe not publish so many take-downs?

[looks at her with condescending amusement] Oh, Diane.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. One day in therapy, I just blurted out: "Is my problem with women, any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because yes, women are involved, but it's never really about the women. It's about me.

BoJack

That's actually somewhat astute.

Mr. Peanutbutter

It occured to me: Are my self destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency the popular Jim Carrey character 'The Mask'? Because 'Somebody stop me!'.

BoJack

Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?

Mr. Peanutbutter

Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British Prog-Rock Band from the 70s? Because 'Yes'.

BoJack

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Diane

Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.

BoJack

Yeah.

Diane

But it's the nice night, huh?

BoJack

Yeah. This is nice.