BoJack Horseman quotes from BoJack Horseman

BoJack

I figured you never wanted to see me again.

Kelsey

I never want to see anyone again.

Kelsey

Are you just gonna do stupid bullshit for the rest of your life?

BoJack

You mean like for work or, like, in general?

BoJack

Todd, I'm sorry, alright? I screwed up, I-I know I screwed up, I...

Todd

Oh, great, of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!

BoJack

I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk and there was all this pressure with the Oscar campaign, but now that it's over, I- I- I--

Todd

[more calmly] No. No, BoJack, just... stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid, it's you. Alright? It's you. ... (dejectedly) Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them. But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. Because those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.

BoJack

What does that have to do with me?

Sarah Lynn

[slumping over onto BoJack's shoulder] I wanna be an architect...

Be it horse, cat, human or even lizard, our lives are but the briefest flashes in a universe that is billions of years old.

BoJack

See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past or how we'll be remembered, the only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? [she doesn't respond] Sarah Lynn? [cut to black, stopping all music and sound] Sarah Lynn?

BoJack

The funeral [for Sarah Lynn] was huge. There was so many people there. I kept thinking "I did this to her." And everyone was just standing around like "Well, this was bound to happen." But... it wasn't bound to happen.

Diane

I'm really sorry BoJack.

BoJack

I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying that I'm going to change. I'm poison.

Diane

BoJack...

BoJack

I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.

BoJack

I wouldn't want to be my daughter either.

Todd

BoJack...

BoJack

I mean, look what I do to the people I'm supposed to care about. I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you fall in love with!

Todd

I guess they're not gonna put you in the Best Friends Hall of Fame, but... I don't know that I loved her. You know, I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.

BoJack

Don't say that. You do so much for everybody, and all you ever asked for was a roof over your head and the occasional s'more in a baguette.

Todd

I'm telling you, it's a million dollar idea!

BoJack

I got more of you than I ever deserved. If you never talk to me again, I just want you to know I appreciate it. And... I appreciate you.

Todd

Thanks.

Todd

I think I'm... asexual.

BoJack

A sexual what? Dynamo? Deviant...

Todd

No. Asexual. Not sexual.

BoJack

Oh.

Todd

I'm sure you think that's weird...

BoJack

Are you kidding? That's amazing! Something I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes!

Todd

You have-

BoJack

I know I have multiple strains, it was just for the joke.

Todd

It's actually feels nice to finally say it out loud... I'm an asexual person. I'm asexual.

I know this must be painful for you.

BoJack

Not painful, boring. This place sucks. And if I'm not even getting credit for coming here, what's the point?

If only there was some way for her to connect the BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week...

BoJack

Yeah. Too bad we can't... or can we!?

Can we what?

BoJack

Put on a live episode of Horsin' Around in the nursing home! Yeah, yah! Good thinking, Hollyhock!

Umm...

BoJack

We'll do Horsin' Around here at the home! She'll love it, cuz it's her son BoJack!

[sitting on a bench] Okay...

BoJack

And then after the show, I- I'll come out and say hello, and she'll say "BoJack? Is that you?" And when her eyes spark with recognition, [sits down with Hollyhock] I'm gonna sit down next to her, I'm gonna squeeze her hand [puts his hand on Hollyhock's], and get real close and say... "Fuck you, Mom!"

Mr. Peanutbutter

Why are we at a bar?

BoJack

We're just celebrating getting Doll back!

Mr. Peanutbutter

You don't wanna bring the doll back to your mom?

BoJack

I will! We're just having a drink first! Relax!

Mr. Peanutbutter

Okay...

BoJack

[thinking to himself] He knows you're terrible. He's the biggest idiot in the world and even HE knows you're terrible!

Mr. Peanutbutter

So when did you get a daughter? She's new, right? Or was she always part of the gang?

BoJack

I met her about a month ago.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Whoa!

BoJack

Yeah. And it was great at first. But now I feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.

Mr. Peanutbutter

"BoJack things up"? You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? And then share a laugh with your good friend Mr. Peanutbutter?

BoJack

No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don't think I can take that.

Mr. Peanutbutter

Well, maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you.

BoJack

I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love".

Mr. Peanutbutter

Look, BoJack. I don't know a lot about balancing a state budget, or how a bill becomes a law.

BoJack

Uh...

Mr. Peanutbutter

I don't know a lot about a lot of things! But I do know this: everybody deserves to be loved.

BoJack

If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty. You're allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.

I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know? Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like, "Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"

BoJack

I know what you mean.

That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?

BoJack

Yeah?

It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?

BoJack

[smiling in spite of himself] Yeah.

BoJack

Remind me what this show is? I mean, I know, but...remind me?

Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy. It was supposed to be Felicity Huffman's Future Leaders of America but it got retooled a little by the network.

BoJack

So are we judging who has the best booty?

Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading!

BoJack

So if it's not about their butts, then why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot?

Because I'm an honest and impartial judge. And if there's one thing I'm famous for, it's that I CANNOT lie.

BoJack

Yeah, I guess that would be the one thing.

Princess Carolyn

You wanna know what I do when I have a really horrible, awful, bad day?

BoJack

What?

Princess Carolyn

I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?

BoJack

But it's...fake.

Princess Carolyn

Yeah, well...it makes me feel better.

BoJack

How did I not see it? All this time, I thought you were a terrible parent. And you were. But I blew it even worse. It turns out being a parent is... impossible. So I guess I can't be that mad at you.

Mad at me!? No, Henrietta, this is the right thing. You'll see.

BoJack

Maybe we deserve each other.

Ah! Where is the girl? I made the girl coffee.

BoJack

Jesus. You two and your coffee. [coming to a realization] Wait. No!..

BoJack

What did you put in this!?

That's an old family secret.

BoJack

Chub-B-Gone?

Picks the pounds right off!

BoJack

This whole time!

Just until she learned to take it herself.

BoJack

[slamming the container down onto the counter] Of course it was you!

Henrietta!!

BoJack

No!! All this "I don't know where I am who my son stuff is" is officially not cute anymore! You ruined the one good thing I had! The one thing I didn't ruin myself! But of course I did! Because I thought it was a good idea to give you one more chance!

[confused] Where is Crackerjack?

BoJack

Stop! You are out of chances!

Over these last two nights, you’ve drawn an outline of a person. A person who doesn’t think about others, a person who puts his own needs first. And over and over, other people get hurt, not necessarily because he means to hurt them, but because he just doesn’t care. This person I’m describing, is it a different person, or is it you?

BoJack

[pause] Yeah. It’s me.