BoJack Horseman quotes from BoJack Horseman

BoJack

[talks to Diane about Mr. Peanutbutter] Why won't you go home?

Diane

I should. I know I should. I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything. He would just say, "How was your day?" And then he would say, "Hey, did you know the monorail was invented by George Monorail?" And I would say, "I don't think that's true." And he would say, "Well, if he didn't invent it, he certainly perfected it." And I wouldn't have to say "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I made things so difficult. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was." I would just say, "My day was good." And he would say, "I love you." [BoJack pauses for a beat]

BoJack

You know the longer you keep lying to him, the harder it's gonna get.

BoJack

[after being caught in compromising positions with Penny] Charlotte, I'm so sorry! I--

Don't. Don't you dare. If you're not out of my driveway in thirty minutes, I will call the police. And if you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.

BoJack

Oh, hey. You're still here.

Diane

Yep. Still here.

BoJack

Thank you for that lovely song. But, I'm not a good person. In fact, this is the only good thing I've ever done. And I did it by accident. And it just goes to show you - life is just....ah, what am I saying? I don't have to tell you how hard life is. You're the ones with the dead parents.

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD?!?!?

BoJack

No, no! not necessarily? Maybe they just didn't want you.

BoJack

My point is, I don't understand how people live. It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say "Yeah! Another day! Let's do it!!" How do people do it? I don't know how.

Todd

Hey. I hope you find a way to be happy, BoJack. I really do.

BoJack

Yeah. Okay.

Todd

I can't leave. I need to take suggestions.

BoJack

Okay, well, here's a suggestion. Your name is Todd, you're twenty-four, you live on my couch, and you've always seen the good in me somehow. And now you've been brainwashed into thinking you belong here, but you don't. You belong back home. So if you're any kind of improviser, you'll take that suggestion, and you'll run with it.

BoJack

It was hashbrowns! Not pancakes. The first morning you stayed with me, you kept making them, and I kept eating them. And then I threw up in the pool and that made you throw up in the pool. And then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool, but you said "I'll clean it up."

Todd

And did I clean it up?

BoJack

No. You didn't. I had to call the pool cleaner.

Todd

[chuckles]

BoJack

And you said "Thank you for letting me stay here, I don't have anywhere else to go." And I remember when you said that. I don't have anywhere else to go because I felt good about myself. And I... and I don't feel that way a lot. Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose. And I don't think I ever told you that, but I should have. Because you're my best friend, Todd.

It gets easier.

BoJack

Huh?

Everyday, it gets a little easier.

BoJack

Yeah?

But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part. But it does get easier. [jogs away]

BoJack

[to himself] Okay.

It's a symbol for rebirth!

BoJack

I'm not interested in being rebirthed, thank you. I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.

BoJack

I don't know if I should win an Oscar. I don't know if I want to.

Ana

Stop punishing yourself.

BoJack

I'm not in the movie. I was in New Mexico.

Ana

None of that matters. All that matters now is the story. And we get to decide what our story is. Nobody else gets to tell you what your story is.

BoJack

What's my story?

Ana

I'll tell you. This has been your dream for the last thirty years. You made it happen. An Oscar won't make you happy forever, it won't solve all your problems. You win that Oscar, the next day you go back to being you. But that night is a really good night. I think you deserve a really good night, and I know how to get you there. Do you want that?

BoJack

Yes. I do.

Ana

Go in there. Introduce your movie. Tell your story.

Princess Carolyn

I'm done. That's it. I'm tired of bending over backwards for you anymore.

BoJack

I mean this in all seriousness. Professionally or in bed?

BoJack

Cuddlywhiskers, let's give ourselves one night to stick our dick in this script and go balls-deep in the universe.

I'm in.

BoJack

[talks to Ana on the phone] Why do I have to go to this thing?

Ana

If we want to be a legitimate awards contender, Secretariat needs to make an appearance at a big festival.

BoJack

I can't just go to Cannes?

Ana

You Cannes not. Apparently, the French people do not care for you ever since you said that thing about them in the press.

BoJack

Hey, I stand by my critique of Sartre. His philosophical arguments helped many tyrannical regimes justify overt cruelty. Also, the French smell and I hate them.

Ana

And you can't go to Sundance because Robert Redford hates you.

BoJack

Someone had to tell him The Horse Whisperer was offensive. Sorry, but real horses don't just do whatever someone says.

Ana

And that's why you need to go to this festival.

BoJack

[sighs] If you say so.

Bojack

[convincing Tenisha in the bathroom] Nobody completes anybody. That's not a real thing. If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don't let go. No matter what.

So what? I should just... settle?

Bojack

Yes. Thank you. Exactly. Settle. Because otherwise you are just going to get older, and harder, and more alone. And you're going to do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex. But the hole doesn't get filled. And one day, you're gonna look around and you're gonna realize, that everybody loves you...but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

BoJack

Hold on. if this is a real thing, why would he call you and not me?

Who knows? Why do people do anything? Why did I make the cartoon tree grandma from Pocahontas my emergency contact?