TV show quotes
[Seeing Otis' disguise.]
[gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying!
I'm not a lounge singer.
Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?
Or a late-night TV mattress salesman?
I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.
Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent.
[understanding] Oh...
[Beat.]
Can you train dolphins?
Freddy, that was amazing! I mean, I knew about the head-popping thing, but how'd you pull off the laser eyes?
Well, I wanted my performance to be believable, so I went online and bought some real radioactive waste. [picks up a can of atomic waste and drinks it] Ahh. That's good waste!
[An Ask Dr. Pig segment starts.]
Hello, I'm Dr. Pig. What you just saw was a fictionalized account, intended to inspire humor. Drinking atomic waste will not give you super heat laser vision. Watch as I dispel this common myth. [he drinks some atomic waste] You see--
[Pig groans and growls as his eyes glow green. Pig bursts through the barn doors, having transformed into a giant, hulking green pig monster in purple shorts. He roars, and does a super jump across the barnyard. He sees some army helicopters overhead.]
Why army always hound Pig?! Pig smash! [he throws a tractor into the air, causing the helicopters to scatter] PIG SMASH YOU ALL! [roars]
[Cut back to the Ask Dr. Pig title card.]
The producers of Barnyard would like to apologize for the previous scene. Drinking atomic waste will neither give you heat laser vision, nor turn you into a hulking pig monster, as I will now demonstrate. [drinks atomic waste, then his voice gets higher in pitch] Oh, no. What's happening? I'm shrinking! Oh, why did I drink that atomic waste?! I never got to see Paris! AAAAH!
[An old lady on a scooter arrives at the barnyard.]
Good afternoon, old one! Let me guess, you're a buyer.
Why, yes, I am, young fella.
Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around, just, whatever you do... DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
What are you talking about?
Well, it's quite silly, really. I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will, anyway. You see, the barn has a teeny tiny... PORTAL TO THE UNDERWORLD!!!
[The barn doors open, revealing a ghastly green glow, showing Abby, Peck, Pig, and Freddy as shadowy figures with glowing red eyes.]
[spooky wailing]
Get out...
No shoes, no service!
Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld.
Well, I don't blame you for wanting to skedaddle-- WHA?! Oh, well, um... Did I mention this place is infested with... ZOMBIES?!
[Fake zombie arms controlled by the animals rise from the ground.]
Old lady brains...
Oh, dear, they're more afraid of us than we are of them.
[The "zombies" groan in disappointment as they sink back down.]
[shakes the old lady's scooter] IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?!
Really gets the blood flowin'!
4 hours later...
[holding locusts in his hand] We have locusts.
[The old lady picks the locusts out of Otis' hand and eats them, much to his shock and disgust.]
Them's good eatin'!
Why would you eat the... [groans] That's it! [removes his wig] I'm a talking cow!
Oh, well, we're all special in our own way.
[fed up] AUGH! I give up, you win! The place is yours, here, take the keys!
AAH, KEYS! My one true fear! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! [drives away]
[crying] I can't believe no one showed up to my family reunion. The Buyer family has always been so close.
Buyer family? "Welcome Buyers..." Oh, milk me, his last name is Buyer! Guys, he wasn't gonna sell the farm.
You mean, we scared away his family?
How were we supposed to know his last name is Buyer?
[Montage start.]
Delivery for Mr. Buyer.
You've reached the Buyer residence.
I'll get this stump out, or my name isn't Buyer, which it is. That's my name. My last name is Buyer. B-U-Y-E-R.
This is the FBI, Buyer! Come out with your hands up!
You'll never take Farmer Buyer alive!
[Montage end.]
Yeah, we're not psychics.
[after being run over by Otis' giant cheese curd] This just in, my bones are crushed!
Guys, I appreciate your concern, but the button is big and shiny and looks like candy, so--
No!
Wants to press it...
[The other animals try to hold Otis back, but he presses the button.]
Whoops. That's a big pile of not good.
[The barn explodes. Far away, Snotty Boy watches.]
[points at the explosion] Ha-ha!
Listen, yank. No wallaby, no chum buggery loo. You got two ticks of the dillywanger, or you're up the ticklewick!
You are extremely Australian.
Curse the constant need to disguise the fact that we're talking animals!
(wakes up) Wow. That was the best birthday dream ever. (sees roses outside his door) Huh? (reads note) "Happy Birthday, Farmer. Signed Attractive Vet Lady"! Yippee-dee-doo! (falls on his back)
Maybe next year we just get him a tie.
How about a gift certificate so he can get what he wants?
Aah!
Agh! Oh, it was just a dream. What a relief.
At least you didn't say, "papaya." (throws a paint balloon)
Ow! I didn't say, "papaya." (getting pelted)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Back at the Barnyard pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
