Tamara Kaplan quotes from Awkward

Tamara

Jenna, this isn't your first senior prom. You went in utero.

Tamara

Jenna, we got your texts. Where are you on the Britney meter?

Jenna

I may be mid head shave.

Jenna

[to Tamara] Was there an orgy at Lissa's?

Tamara

Evidently. And get this: I was part of it. I mean I wasn't really part of it, but everyone will think I was. Oh my God, this is so much better than a red cup photo. Now I have red cup on my face!

Jenna

[to Tamara] What are you doing?

Tamara

Snooping, I found Satan's room!

Tamara

[to Jenna] What the hell is going on with your mom? Think she has cancer?

Jenna

Maybe.

Tamara

[to Sadie] Son of a bitch! You played me!

Sadie

You're welcome.

Jenna

[to Tamara] Bad breakup?

Tamara

10.5 on the dick-ter scale.

Sadie

Where can I get ready?

Tamara

By the dumpster.

Sadie

That's sweet, but I don't have time for a tour of your home.

Tamara

[to Jenna] Jesus, your mom documented high school like it was the best time of her life.

Jenna

And it was.

Sad.

Jenna

[to Tamara] What? Why didn't you give me the heads up?

Tamara

I don't know maybe I was busy buying lottery tickets 'cause I'm a freaking psychic.

Tamara

I walked in on my Mom making out with her friend Claire.

Jenna

Your mom's gay?

Tamara

No! She's a lesb-utante! She keeps it strictly above the belt, but it was a TS sitch, so my mom's letting me go on the trip to keep me from telling my Grandma. Little does she know, I'm totes equal opportunity!

Do you just blurt out every offensive thing you think?

Tamara

No, it's actually carefully curated.

Tamara

Who's auditioning for Teen Mom 3?

Jenna

I have no idea.

Tamara

Is it you? Luke sperminated and terminated you? I will just defer college and we'll raise this baby together in a non-sexual life partnership. No offense, you're not really my type. Now, what are we thinking for the nursery?

Sadie

Don’t use my real name!

Tamara

Why not? It sounds like a stripper name.

Tamara

[to Sadie] Your turn.

Sadie

Hell no. I don't do custodial.