Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!
S3 E1The Cabin Show
We did it, Mikey! We're super-rich again. And I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. [hands Michael a piece of paper]
No, Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money. [looks at paper] And this is not a Vol-vo.
Oh, that's from sitting on the copier. Michael, I've got nothing. My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached-blonde whore.
He's definitely got a type.
I can't believe he left me. I mean, this? [points to her face] And these? [points to her breasts] And this? [holds up paper]
That's the car.
Oh. [holds up other paper] This?
Glad I didn't spring for color.
Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don’t have a son...
He does.
...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!
Gob was growing up.
[Later, waiting for Michael to take him to the cabin]
There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!
Sorry, pal, something came up.
It is worse to know.
Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.
I'm your uncle! I'm your dad's twin brother! I'm Oscar! He switched on me! Noone believes me!
Unfortunately for Oscar, "You got the wrong twin" was a very popular alibi.
(scene cuts to an example of other convicts being arrested)
AMArrested man
You simply got the wrong twin!
ATArrested twin 1
We're quadruplets! You got the wrong two!
ATArrested twin 2
We're Larry and Dave!
ATArrested twin 1
You want Curtis and Jack!
(scene cuts back to Michael and Oscar)
I even started up a website: I'mOscar.com! (we see the I'mOscar.com main webpage) I'm innocent Michael! I'm Oscar! Dot Com!
S3 E2For British Eyes Only
We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
GSGeorge, Sr.
I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.
Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.
You'll pay me?
Not... not for sex. You're going to think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes or...?
I'm not a prostitute.
Then I shall let you live.
S3 E3Forget-Me-Now
Steve Holt's not my son.
Steve Holt? The moron jock?
That's my son, you pothead!
Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.
I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.
I'm a very good listener.
Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...
S3 E4Notapusy
Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and...
Your son?
According to him.
And a DNA test.
I heard the jury's still out on science.
[During a work-out montage with Michael]
Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!"
You can control your bladder when you're dead!
No blood, no oil!
There's no "I" in "win"!
S3 E5Mr. F
Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...
A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?
I want you to look under the pants.
Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.
You want to return that?
What? No, I want to deduct it.
Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town.
GSGeorge Sr./Larry
Another brilliant idea, Einstein.
Really? You'd like to build it with me?
GSGeorge Sr./Larry
Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.
BLBob Loblaw
If you take money from these people under false pretenses, you’ll be committing fraud. The government’s already watching your father pretty closely. They’re going through his mail. They want to put your father in prison for good.
Yeah, Bob’s right. We’ve got to start thinking practically. Life is not some cheesy Japanese movie where the hero pulls on a pair of jet pants and...
LLarry
...flies off the balcony like Astro Boy.
And that’s when George Sr. did a Web search for the words “jet pants.”
Even better.
S3 E6The Ocean Walker
She's sweet. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's special.
[Flashback]
She was special.
Are houses terribly hard to make?
Actually, the hardest part is finding the land.
But she wasn't smart...
Instead of making houses, maybe you should make land.
...for Rita had only mentally progressed...
On the ocean.
...to the level of a first grader.
There's no land on the ocean.
Michael might have noticed her disability if it had not been masked by her English accent.
[pause] You are brilliant.
Yeah. She wasn't.
Rita corny, Michael.
So Michael used a line that was just as corny.
You know, I think that we should wait until after we're married.
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