Dr. Roland Burton quotes from Army Wives

Joan

Did you get the meat thermometer?

Roland

No.

Joan

Roland.

Roland

But, I did win the door prize.

Joan

Really? What was the door prize?

Roland

I'm wearing it. [takes robe off and grins]

Joan

[looks in amazement] Roland! [giggles]

Joan

[reads from her fortune] "You will gain admiration from your pears."

Roland

You mean "peers".

Joan

[shows Roland the fortune] It says pears, like the fruit.

Roland

[chuckles] I'm sure the apples and oranges would admire you too.

Joan

[squeals] Roland! Did you hear that?!

Roland

Hear what?

Joan

She said Mama!

Roland

It doesn't count unless she repeats it.

Joan

[to Sara Elizabeth] Mama, mama. Come on, baby girl, say Mama!

Roland

[amused] Ok...

Pamela

Is Joan with you?

Roland

Um, no. Things are a bit frosty at the moment.

Pamela

You talking about snow flurries or arctic tundra?

[walks over] Hey, what are y'all celebrating?

[points to Trevor] This man just made Sergeant.

[flirtatiously] Ooooh. Well, does the sergeant speak for himself? [reaches hand out] Hi, I'm Lindsay. What's your name?

Trevor

[shakes hand] I'm Trevor.

Tell me more, Sergeant Trevor, I'm very interested.

Roxy

[cuts in while Trevor drinks from his bottle, smiles at Lindsay] He's very married! [jokingly to Trevor] You're in big trouble, Mister!

[to Lindsay] Hey, I'm not married.

Oh yeah? What are you?

Private First Class Brian Day, at your service.

Private? [scoffs] As if!

Guess the lady knows dog meat when she smells it.

Roland

[in amazement] The Hump is officially banned!

Roxy

Roland, she's a little "ripe".

Roland

Oh, um, diaper's in the bag. [points to the bag and runs off]

Roxy

I didn't volunteer to change diapers!

Roland

[off camera, out of earshot] Time to get back into practice!

Roxy

[grumbles to herself] They always disappear. Always! [to Sara Elizabeth] Just so you know!

Well, Lenny should be here any minute.

Claudia Joy

We're delighted your wife could join us.

Michael

Absolutely.

After my wife died I was sure I'd never get married again. I mean, who'd want to marry an old warhorse?

Denise

You suffered a service, General.

Then along came Lenny. Vibrant, beautiful. She understands what Army life is about.

Claudia Joy

How'd you meet her?

Six months ago in DC at a fundraiser. She loves helping other people.

Claudia Joy

She sounds wonderful

I think you're gonna like her. There she is. [calls out] Honey, over here!

[in shock] Lenore???

Hello, dears. Small world, isn't it?

Roxy

Lenore Baker??? Tell me I'm dreaming.

Pamela

Yeah. You're havin' a nightmare! What is she doing here?

Roland

Well, from the looks of it, she is General Ludwig's new wife.

Pamela

[in disbelief] How did she get her hooks in a four-star??

Roxy

Oh, she must be a dynamo in the sack.

Roland

[makes a face] Oooo.

Roxy

What, come on, what else could it be?

Roland

Aw come on now, let's be fair. Lenore was a very supportive wife to General Baker.

Pamela

Let's not be fair. She's a heartbeat-wannabe muzzled.

Roxy

Yeah, and don't forget, she accused Claudia Joy of murder.

Pamela

And spread a rumor that Michael was a racist.

Roxy

And she didn't have very nice things to say about us either.

Pamela

Yeah.

Roland

I'm not saying the woman's perfect.

Frank

Oh, hell, I could do it. I've got nothing going tomorrow night.

Roland

Hey, that's really nice Frank, but...you know, Sara Elizabeth can be a real handful these days.

Frank

Well, I admit it's been a while since I looked after a toddler but I need to get back in training. [points at a pregnant Denise] Soon.

Denise

Uh, honey, I don't think Roland wants his daughter to be used as a field exercise.

Frank

That's not what I meant. Look, we're tag-teaming. Take the first shift together, you show me the ropes. When you gotta leave I'll take over.

Denise

Roland?

Roland

Um, you know, if the Lieutenant Colonel can lead men into combat I'm sure he can look after my daughter.

Frank

I appreciate the vote of confidence. [picks up the baby bag] [Denise laughs] I'll take these into the baby's room. Thank you.

Roland

Thank you, Frank. [looks on in amusement]

Denise

[chuckles] Well, what can I tell you? My warrior has turned into Mr Mom.

Roland

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state. And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries...

Roland

That's Shakespeare you're snoring at, woman.

Pamela

If you're gonna snore, snore at the best.

Roxy

I'd rather have a colicky baby than a crabby teenager any day.

Roland

I thought TJ was twelve.

Roxy

Yeah. He's twelve going on sixteen. I swear he suddenly woke up like a completely different person. He doesn't want to do his chores. He doesn't want to play with Finn. He stays in his room all the time.

Pamela

Well, we all know what that means.

Roxy

Oh, no! Do not even go there!

Pamela

I'm just saying you might wanna see what kind of magazines he's keeping under his mattress.

Roxy

[laughs in horror] Trust me, I do not!

Roland

That's perfectly natural. [Roxy looks at him] I'm just sayin'.

Denise

Gotta strap yourself in, Roxy. The teen years are not for the faint of heart.

Claudia Joy

No.

Denise

High drama. High stress.

Claudia Joy

The worst part? Just when things start to get better, they leave.

Denise

[about meeting Jeremy's fiancée] I don't know that "excited" is the right word. Not that I don't want to meet her. It's just...incredibly weird. I mean...I'm gonna be a mother-in-law.

Roland

Ah yes, the hyphenate that strikes fear in the hearts of women everywhere.

Pamela

And I suppose you love your mother-in-law, huh?

Roland

She never visits, she never calls, what's not to love? [gets up to leave] I gotta go home to see my wife.

Roxy

Oh, sure, rub it in. You've got someone to go home to unlike the four D's here.

Roland

"The four D's"?

Roxy

Deployed, deployed, deployed, divorced.

Roland

There's a big difference between being a soldier's spouse and a commander's spouse. Seriously. You ever get tired of it? The responsibility?

Claudia Joy

[sighs] Sometimes. It's a constant balancing act between your needs, your spouse's needs and the Army's needs. As far as Uncle Sam's concerned, you're an extension of Joan's office.

Roland

Right. It's not what I signed up for, Claudia Joy. Making small talk with dignitaries is not exactly my idea of a good time.

Claudia Joy

Get used to it.

Joan

Hi! We're the Burtons and we want to introduce ourselves to you. I'm Joan, this is my husband Roland and our daughter Sara Elizabeth.

Roland

And we want your baby!

Joan

[slaps him on the knee] Roland!

Roland

Joan and I fell in love with this little boy. We weighed the risks, the pros and the cons and this was where we came out but I know that you have to think about it for yourselves.

Roxy

[smiles] What's to think about? He's your son.

Roland

Maybe it's time to write another chapter.

What do you mean?

I guess not.

Roland

No! You read on, see what's gonna happen next. That's the same thing with your life story. See, you started with one mom in chapter 1 and now you got a new mom and a sister and a dad as well right?

Right.

Roland

It doesn't stop there man. I mean, you got so many more chapters to write. You got school, friends, new adventures. What do you think?

[smiles] Ok.

Roland

[hi-fives David] All right! Good man!