She’s the crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world, this short cartoon features Dottie the Squirrel!
The name's Dot! Call me Dottie and you die!
That’s Dottie!
[gets out a bomb] I warned you! [tosses it at the camera and it blows up]
S1 E35Very Special Opening/In the Garden of Mindy/No Place Like Homeless/Katie Ka-Boo/Baghdad Cafe
S1 E36Critical Condition/The Three Muska-Warners
[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]
Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
Calm down, Skippy.
We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! [runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles] Let's go get em!
Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
[looks sorry] Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... [goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles] We'll need the big bombs!
That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!
Yay!
[to Yakko, Wakko and Dot] You three remind me of a very young Yippee, Yappee and Yahooey. [walks off]
[to the audience] I have no idea what that meant.
S1 E37Dough Dough Boys/Boot Camping/General Boo-Regard
[First lines; at the Boot Camp]
SSergeant
[chanting] Left, left, left, right, left. Recruits smell and that's no lie. Hate your guts gonna make you cry. Call me smart call me inspired. You're gonna march till I get tired. [spoken]I love my job.
SSoldier
[arrives in the car] Hey, sarge. The new recruits are here.
SSergeant
[grins deviously] Fresh meat. [chuckles; climbs aboard the jeeps and drives back to the camp with the soldier]
[The bus arrives, letting new recruits out. The Warner Siblings come out too]
Excuse us. pardon us. Coming through. Ah, summer camp at last! Eight weeks of fun, fun, fun!
[dressed in duck floater] Swimming and canoe racing!
Mosquitoes and bear attacks!
And not just any old camp, [gets the binoculars] boot camp!
Like Imelda Marcos, I've always adored boots. [the sergeant arrives] Hello, nurse! Hi, Mr. Camp Counselor. I'd like size three EEE boots with fringe and little pink bows on the toes, please. [wiggling her toes in the sergeant's face]
SSergeant
Get back in line, soldier!
[sniffs] Ew, who's P-yew?
[The sergeant giggles sheepishly]
Psst. Down here. Say, is there a girls' camp across the lake? You know. "Hello, nurse".
SSergeant
Fall in! [the Warners literally fall to the ground] Get up! [the Warners stand up] Now, fall in! [repeat] Get up and fall in!
[The Warners stand up and fall to the ground at the same time]
Is this part of our camp initiation? Frankly, we'd prefer the spanking machine.
SSergeant
Get up and get in line!
Well why didn't you say that in the first place?
[The Warners stand straight in line]
SSergeant
Who do you think you are?
We think, therefore we are the Warner brothers.
And the Warner sister.
[shakes hands with the sergeant] Glad to make my acquaintance.
[The sergeant's watch falls into Wakko's wrist]
SSergeant
[grunts] Give me that back, you little Gila monster! [takes watch]
All of it, Wakko. [Wakko gives back wallet, id cards, pen, teddy bear underwear, pink shirt, causes the sergeant to become embarrassed with a nervous smile] Excuse me, Mr. Camp Counselor, but, uh, when do we get to sing "Kumbaya"?
SSergeant
I am not a camp counselor! I am your drill instructor! This is the army, soldier!
[realizes] The Army?
Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.
Buh-bye.
[The Warners run off]
SSergeant
Get back here! [grabs them and puts them back in line] From now on, this Army will be your home. I will be your mother, father, aunt and uncle.
A family! [kiss the sergeant] Mwah!
SSergeant
Stop that, you - you - you - What are you, anyway?!
Infested with fleas.
[The sergeant looks at the camera]
[All the recruits' hairs are being shaved. One man's hair is shaved, and resembles Private Snafu as "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background]
SShaver
[to Wakko] Oh, take off your hat. [Wakko does so] Oh, that one too. [again] Uh, that one too. Ooh. Hm. [all the hats land on him, growls]
[wearing the clown's hair hat] Hat's all, folks!
SShaver
Behave yourself or I'll get real mad. Oh, yes I will, real mad. [shaves off stripe, Wakko paints it on again. This continues until Wakko shaves off a part of the shaver's head. The shaver paints a part of hair, then Wakko paints the moustache. Then shaver shaves off the top part of the hair. Then Wakko gives the shaver a coin and runs off] And I thought Opie was naughty.
[All the recruits, including the Warners, hold sheets and army uniforms]
I don't want to be in the Army, Yakko. What are we gonna do?!
Uhh...I'm leaning heavily toward fleeing.
[They walk outside]
SSergeant
To the left, right, left. Your left. To the left. To the left, right, left. I don't know but I've been told. Army life is mighty bold. Every night before retreat-
We order out for luncheon meat.
SSergeant
[kicks the Warners] Platoon, get back to the barracks! [the soldiers leave] As for you three, I've had it!
Good. Does that mean we can leave?
SSergeant
[snarky] No, Private Cute Boots. From now on, I'm training you to become agents of total destruction.
But we don't want to be mailmen. We'd rather work for a living.
[The Warners hold shovels. Dot spray paints boots pink]
SSergeant
Detail, halt. [they did so] A foxhole is a soldier's best friend.
Must be hard to go to the movies together.
SSergeant
Dig! [the Warners dig down, a fox comes out] Huh?
We'd move if we were you.
[The sergeant startles and falls into the hole, screaming]
Did we dig it deep enough?!
[The sergeant lands with a thud offscreen]
[During the grenade-throwing training]
SSergeant
This is the grenade range. You will learn all about the standard M26-A1-F472918-A fragmentation device. Just pull the pin and throw. [Wakko pulls pin and throws it away; freaking out] Throw the grenade!
You said throw the pin.
SSergeant
I meant pull the pin and throw the grenade!
I'm all confused. [gives the grenade to the sergeant] You do it. [walks off with his siblings]
[The sergeant fumbles with grenade, which explodes]
[Inside the plane]
SSergeant
Normally, parachuting is reserved for well-trained, elite troops. But in your case, I'm gonna make an exception. [chuckles; grabs the Warners and jump from the plane] Geronimo!
Sitting Bull!
By the way, we took your dirty sheets to the laundry.
SSergeant
What dirty sheets?
The ones you stuffed in your knapsack.
SSergeant
Huh? [pulls the string, and the bag opens to reveal the dirty sheets] Aaah! Ohhh! [falls down]
No starch, right?
[The sergeant crashes to the ground]
[in glorious 60fps] Don't worry, kids. It's almost over.
[The Warners land safely to the ground]
SSergeant
[dressed in a casual camping outfit] Come on, guys. Let's go camping. Build a campfire, make s'mores, sing songs. Come on.
SWSergeant and the Warners
[singing]
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?
[Iris out, but Dot pushes it away]
[spoken; last lines] Camp is okay, but these pink boots are killing me. [lets go of the iris as the cartoon ends]
S1 E38Spellbound
MMerlin
Sonny Tufts, Sonny Bono, Lorna Luft, Yoko Ono, Paula Abdul, Chip and Dale, Hillary Clinton, Quinton McHale, I win, you win, Edwin Newman, Lee of Kathie, Regis Philbin! [after the explosion and smoke clears] Lo! I've created a nice pie.
Beat it, ya mouse! You're ruining my cameo.
Your cameo? Hey, what about our cameo, huh?
Ah, quit your whining over there!
Hey, who you tellin' to quit whinin'?
BBobby
She's talkin' to you.
I ain't whinin'!
BBobby
Yeah, ya are. Now, quit it!
I'm not whinin', you're whinin'.
SSquit
Are we getting paid?
Come, Pinky! Let us return to the story!
S1 E39Smitten with Kittens/Alas Poor Skullhead/White Gloves
[The scene takes place at the graveyard in Hamlet. Yakko plays Hamlet and Wakko plays Horatio, while Dot translates the Shakespearian language]
And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's talking about.
[Yakko gives a stern look, and Dot, the translator, giggles. Wakko has dug up Skullhead. Yakko sees this, rushes back and snatches him from Wakko, then returns to his previous position]
Alas, poor Yorrick!
Whoa, check out Skullhead!
[while Wakko digs up an odd lamp and tosses away] I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
He was funny.
[while Wakko digs up a mummy who runs away] He hath bore me on his back a thousand times.
He gave me piggy-back rides.
And now, how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it.
I'm going to blow chunks. Bleugh!
[Wakko pulls a squid out of the grave and tosses it aside]
[kisses Skullhead while Dot looks away, embarrassed, as Wakko tosses a kitchen sink] Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.
[Wakko pulls a pink 1959 Cadillac DeVille convertible out of the grave, then pushes it away]
We kissed a lot - not!
Where be your jibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?
[while Wakko pulls up a large rocket] How come you're not funny now?
[Wakko must stop to rest before he's through]
Not one now to mock your own grinning... [Skullhead's jaw falls to the ground as the rocket launches] ...quite chop-fallen?
No one's laughing now, and, by the way, your lower jaw's missing. [picks up the jaw from her interpreter's circle and hands it to Yakko]
[Wakko uses his shovel once more and lifts Cher out of the grave. She screams, bonks him on the head, and runs off]
[watches Cher run towards the hills] Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her. Let her paint an inch thick. To this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. [tosses Skullhead toward the hills]
[Skullhead runs after Cher]
Follow that woman and tell her, no matter how much makeup she wears, [Skullhead grabs Cher from behind] she's still going to croak and end up looking just like you, [Cher punches Skullhead] and see if she laughs.
[Wakko motions for Yakko to come to the grave]
Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing:
[jumps out of her circle and joins them] What'd you find in the hole?
Our next cartoon!
Tomorrow I'll play the xylophone! With my butt!
S1 E40Fair Game/The Slapper/Puppet Rulers
BBogie
What I'm doing, you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. [Ilsa starts sobbing] Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.
[suddenly appears] Hello, Nurse!
BBogie
Huh?
[Dot proceeds to kiss Bogie many times]
Cut!
[The cartoon begins with Slappy and Walter watching TV]
Has this ever happened to you?
Can we change the channel to something without Bob Saget in it?
WWalter
No.
Well, now there's a fabulous product that can smooth the edges off life's little annoyances.
Ah, give me the remote control, already.
WWalter
No! [Slappy claps her hands twice and a hand gives him a slap] Oof! Here you go.
You're too kind.
It's the Slapper.
[singing] Slap on, [Slappy claps twice] Slap off, Slap on, slap off. [Slappy claps twice] The Slapper.
Works for me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Animaniacs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.