American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

All Seasons
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Francine (sobbing): My husband ran into the well-toned arms of a more compatible woman.
Skank #1: Oh, honey, don't worry. Single life is great.
Skank #2: Yeah. Guys take you out, treat ya real special, take ya to all the best places.
Roger (as he's coming down the stairs): Let's roll, hos. You guys can have a kiss-fight to see who gets to eat the fruit that touches my syrup at IHOP!
(As Francine is watching Roger abuse his entourage of skanks)

Francine [to Stan]: You bastard! (punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose)
Stan: (sniffing) Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!
Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!

Francine: (teaching Indian children) Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."
Indian Children: (in unison): Thank you for call Apple Tech Support.
(A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera)
Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.
(A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off)

Francine: (to Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.

Francine: [landing on the ground after being punched by Thundercat] You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance!

Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. **[Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!**The part in asteriks is a DVD-exclusive scene and does not air when shown on FOX, Cartoon Network, TBS, or local network syndication.

Francine: [to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?
Stan: Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...
Francine: Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!
Stan: I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

Francine: All right, a reverse BM it is. Hey, that came out funny *gasp* Was that a joke, do ya think?

Francine: Any letters for me?
Stan: No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!

Francine: Damn it, Roger. Take him to the hospital!
Roger: Franny, we've been over this. I can't take Stan to the hospital because then a doctor would save him. To restore the life debt, I have to save him.
Francine: This is crazy!!
Roger: Well I think you're crazy, see ain't that hurtful?
Francine: You son of a bitch. I'm gonna rip your fuckin' throat out!!
Roger: Oh, so it ends with you being the potty mouth so I'm hanging up.

Francine: Dan Ansom Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Francine: Did you tell your best friend your deep, dark secret?
Stan: Are you kidding? She'd go straight to the CIA. They'd designate me as a blabbermouth, kill me, grind me up, and mix me into the local bologna supply. Not... not that the CIA does that. You should keep eating balogna. It's good for you.

Francine: Doctor says I have a big, spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.

Francine: Have f-fun, you two!
Hayley: Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
Hayley: 'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.

Francine: Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]
Stan: How'd they catch you again?