American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

All Seasons
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[Francine pulls up]
Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
Francine: So come home. We want you there.
Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.
(Roger meets Andy Dick)

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

'Stan: I can't do this its like shaking hands with a cat.

Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!

Bad Larry: I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?

Roger: You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Stan: Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Roger: [another buzz] Zots!
Stan: Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
Roger: [laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley: Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Klaus: [laughing] Oh!
Roger: Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Steve: Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
Roger: I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Francine: Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.


Avery Bullock: Dick, I believe you're up.
Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
Avery Bullock: I'm giving you a zero for the day.

Barry: Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.

Avery Bullock: Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! [Glances at Saunders] Saunders...
Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
(Stan's Phone Rings)
Stan: Hello?
Francine (V.O.): Stan! Hayley and Jeff broke up!
Stan: So? She breaks up with Jeff at least every other week.
Francine (V.O.): You don't understand! This time, he broke up with her.

Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!

Avery Bullock: Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.
Ray: Of what?
Avery Bullock: The Alien Task Force.
Ray: What the hell's that?
Avery Bullock: The task force you've been in charge of!
Ray: Oh. How did I do?

Avery Bullock: I need a new team leader.
Jackson: Sir, I'm your man. I will not rest until the alien and all his accomplices are brought to just...
Stan: [to Bullock; pointing at Jackson] He told me he hates you.
Avery Bullock: What? Jackson, is this true?
Jackson: ...Yes.
Avery Bullock: Get out of my sight! Smith, how do you feel about me?
Stan: You're okay, I guess.
Avery Bullock: Good, then you're the man for this job.

Barry: [beating up Steve] Let's kill his parents next. Let's kill them all.
(A crying Francine is being comforted by Roger's entourage of skanks)