American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

All Seasons
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Cleveland Brown: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan Smith: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland Brown: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]

Cleveland Brown: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter Griffin: Everybody, shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]

Coco: [to Stan] I'm bored. Get me a movie.
Stan: Where am I gonna get a movie around here?
Coco: You're supposed to keep me happy. Or do I need to call Avery?
Stan: Fine.
Coco: Something with Matthew Perry.
Stan: Got it. Fools Rush In.
Coco: Something good!
Stan: Got it. Nothing.

Coco: I'm going to go soak it in your tub. [takes off her top]
Klaus: And just like that, I'm gay.

Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $147.
Roger: What? Where are we gonna get that kind of money?
Stan: We could turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stan: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!

Counselor (to Stan): Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
Stan: Young lady?
Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
Stan: I'm not in high school!
Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?
Stan: I've never menstruated!
Counselor (to the rest of the class): You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?

Crackhead Booboo: Hey! As long as you're giving out crack, how 'bout you throw a little ding-a-dong ding ding ol' Crackhead Booboo's way?
Dealer: Not now, Mom. I'm working.

Debbie: Let the Nerdy one go...the scrawny nerdy one...the scrawny nerdy one with glasses...Steve.

Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death is dessert.
Steve: I love dessert!

Doctor Gupta: When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."
Roger: I've heard of that.
Doctor Gupta: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!
Doctor Gupta: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if I don't need her to talk?

Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. place?
Stan: Lets talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think--
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: [disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

Francine Smith: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]

Francine (before leaving for her next operation): Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. (leaves)
Klaus (sadly): I like Scrubs.

Francine (irritated): Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
Stan: I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
Francine: Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.