Ally McBeal quotes from Ally McBeal

It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion.

Ally McBeal

Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they?

Such as?

Ally McBeal

Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.

Ling Woo

Do you know how his father died?

Ally McBeal

No. Do you?

Ling Woo

Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee.

Elaine Vassal

In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear.

Ally McBeal

I won't be in that pinch.

Georgia Thomas

Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?

Ally McBeal

They're mine.

Are you always such a bitchy little thing?

Ally McBeal

Bitchy?

Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me!

Ally McBeal

What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Ally McBeal

'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?

Get out.

Ally McBeal

I am good in bed, Renee.

Ally McBeal

What?

Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you...

Ally McBeal

I don't sound like that.

I make more noise breaking in a new shoe.

Ally McBeal

So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive...

I'm even hot.

You kicked him?

Ally McBeal

I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend.

You only kick pretend people?

Ally McBeal

[Pause] Yes.

Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...

Ally McBeal

Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?

No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.

Ally McBeal

Oh, okay.

Emotionally, you're an idiot.

Ally McBeal

I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.

Billy

Why don't you just watch the news?

Ally McBeal

Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?

Richard Fish

[Sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?

Ally McBeal

Not... really.

Richard Fish

Mmm-hmm. Did I interview you for the job?

Ally McBeal

No.

Richard Fish

Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?

Ally McBeal

No.

Richard Fish

So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you? [Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]

Ally McBeal

So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.

Richard Fish

What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...

Ally McBeal

[Turning to walk out] I can't believe this.

Richard Fish

Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

Jackson Duper

You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues.

Ally McBeal

My issues? What are my issues?

Jackson Duper

Look, lady.

Ally McBeal

Ally.

Jackson.

Jackson Duper

First, you're kissing me.

Ally McBeal

[Gesturing to Larry] I thought you were him.

Jackson Duper

Then you climbed into bed.

Ally McBeal

[Gesturing to Renee] I thought you were her.

Jackson Duper

Then your hands were all up on my privates.

Ally McBeal

Well, because I thought it was the remote control.

Hold on!

Jackson Duper

You found the remote, now, didn't you?

Ally McBeal

[Larry is out with another woman] Hey, Larry.

Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.

Hello.

Ally McBeal

[Still glaring at Larry] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month.

Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John.

John Cage

Hey-y.

Ally McBeal

Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?

[Wiping whipped cream off his face] Oh, uh, well, um... nothin'.

Nothing.

Ally McBeal

Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it. [Dumps Larry's ice cream on his head] Hmm. Are you done?

[Nods] Mmm-hmm.

Ally McBeal

Good. [Dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head] Oh, this will just warm you up. [Pours hot fudge on Larry's head] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute.

Take your time.

Ally McBeal

[Sprays Larry with whipped cream] There we go. Okay. Come on, John.

John Cage

Bye now.

She seems nice.

She's a sweetheart.

The reason that this case is rather special is that Malcolm he's a bit of a necrophiliac

Ally McBeal

a What?

He almost never leaves the house except to go to school.

Elaine Vassal

[After hearing that Ally broke up with Glenn] Oh, Ally, I just want you to know that I am here for you.

Ally McBeal

Yes, and what am I gonna do about that?

I asked you out.

Ally McBeal

Why?

Because I like to fight. I love neurosis and I see you as someone I could live miserably ever after with. [Ally gives him a look] I mean that in a good way. You push my buttons.