[Herr Flick's car is flattened by a steam roller driven by Captain Geering]
Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?
It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick.
[Nervously] Heil Hilter.
This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Edith has 'shot' the two airmen with Captain Geering's gun, then handed the gun back to him]
I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.
[Captain Bertorelli has been taken upstairs by Mimi to look at some paintings. Mimi actually intends to kill him]
Sigorine!
[He staggers down the stairs after Mimi roughed him up "showing him the paintings", he finially collapses on the floor gibbering, trying to say something to Lt. Gruber]
Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls.
Don't worry, he won't.
[Officer Crabtree enters the cafe walking very gingerly]
I am wicking this woo because my poloceman's troosers are full of deenamote.
[Edith discovers René and Yvette embracing in the larder]
René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder.
But there is no key!
Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out.
Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came.
We thought you were singing.
[René has just survived an attempt on his life by the Communist Resistance, in retaliation for the events of the previous episode]
He is dead!
I am not dead, you silly cow!
[René goes to the Gendarmerie (police station) as he continues to look for somewhere safe to hide from Denise Laroque. Watch this on YouTube]
Service! Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter)
Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss.
Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please?
Are you confessing to some cream?
Yes. Cream galore!
In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Meerder?
No.
Minslaughter?
No.
Roop?
No.
Biglary?
No.
Biglary with minaces?
No.
Handbog snitching?
No.
Arsin?
What is "arsin"?
Setting fire to places.
Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up.
I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke?
Oh my God! Why do I pay rates?
[René has been captured by the Communist Resistance and brought to Denise Laroque. She forgives him]
DDenise
Now, hold me. Kiss me. Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again.
(Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again.
There was a wetness at the bonk.
What part of France do you come from?
I am half Itolioen.
Itolioen?
Itolioen.
VSvon Smallhousen
I think he means Italian.
I was brought up in Nipples.
Nipples?
Yes. You know the old suing: See Nipples, and do.
It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages.
Has he eaten the carpet?
No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry.
Do you think he has a screw loose?
In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there.
[Edith asks René for smelling salts but he tells her they have run out]
I must put up my nose more mothballs!
[General Von Klinkerhoffen has just been told by Lieutenant Gruber and General Von Flockenstaffen than the Colonel, Herr Flick and Herr Von Smallhausen are being held to ransom by the Resistance, and has decided they can be sacrificed]
VFVon Flockenstuffen
Piggy old boy, when was the last time you had a holiday?
Badenbaden '38. You were both there. We went to a fancy dress ball at the baths. I went as Atilla the Hun.
VFVon Flockenstuffen
[On the phone] Get me the military hospital. Fruitcake department.
[Helga arrives at Herr Flick's headquarters]
My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace.
[Herr Flick wants to interrogate Madame Fanny, who is in jail, by getting Von Smallhausen arrested too]
What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit Herr Flick?
It is not yet decided.
Could he not climb into the Colonel's office and steal the petty cash?
That is a good idea Helga. My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you. As a reward you may kiss me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 'Allo 'Allo! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.