Dick Solomon quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun

Dick

Doctor Howard!! (looks around akwardly)......shiver me timbers.......

Where are your buccaneers?

Dick

Under my buckin' hat!?

Sally

What's that?

Dick

It's called the 'Shatner.'

Dick

My pants fit! I won the war!

Harry

That's great, Dick! So you lost weight?

Dick

Even better - I bought bigger pants!

Dick

Maybe you'll all change your tune when you hear about something called... 'reasonable doubt.'

What's the point?

Dick

The point is it's reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter's life-threatening operation.

No, it isn't.

He doesn't have a daughter.

It's not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!

Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?

Dick

Yes! No! I don't know what I believe anymore! You tell me what to believe and I'll do it!

He's fine with me.

Me, too.

Dick

Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?

Nina

I don't know, and it's none of my business.

Dick

It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!

Nina

That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.

Dick

I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!

Dick

Eddie, you stole my car, but more importantly, you broke my heart. You wanna know what's worse?

Eddie

What?

Dick

That you stole my car.

Dick

Nina, here are the keys to my Rambler. Take it somewhere and have my tires rotated.

Nina

That's not in my job description.

Dick

What is in your job description?

Nina

Typing.

Dick

Okay, well, type it into your job description and have it done by lunch.

Mary

I think it's unfair that you demand Sally do whatever you want as if you were... king of the universe!

Dick

Oh, please! We look nothing alike.

Dick

Harry, write this down. I need you to find a place--

Harry

W-w-wait. [writes] I...need...you...to...find...

Dick

Harry, forget writing it down. Just memorize it. I need you to find---

Harry

W-w-wait. [puts finger to forehead] I...need...you...to...find...

Dick

Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me. I need you to find a place for Mary to sing. Harry?

Harry

Oh, sorry, I was thinking about cake.

Dick

The library's closed on Saturday?

Mary

Dick, this -- is -- not -- a -- good -- school!

Mary

This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!

Dick

Once again I come in second.

Dick

Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?

We'll see.

Mary

So you're going to let this woman control your life?

Dick

No, just the lunch part. [a beat] My favorite part.

Sally

I can't believe it! You can cook!

Harry

You

Tommy

No, no, I can't cook! I swear!

Dick

Well, then how do you explain this? (indicates oregano and rosemary on the table)

Tommy

This, uh...is marijuana!

Dick

This whole time we've been eating her slop, and you're a damn gourmet!!

Tommy

No, no, it's pot! I swear! I smoke it with my friends. I like to... toke up on the..fat daddies...uh...dude...

Sally

Ugh, I blame myself. How could I have missed all the signs? I mean, just last month I was doing laundry and I found a measuring spoon in his pants.

Dick

I was as blind as you, Sally. At the mall, he said he was going to the comic book store, but I saw him coming out of the Williams and Sonoma!

Harry

(picks up vial of white powder) Oh, Tommy! (opens, tastes what's inside) it's confectioner's sugar!

Dick

Confectioner's sugar? So you've been baking, too?! (hugs Sally) Look what your selfishness has done to Sally! Get out of my sight!

Tommy

(starts to leave)

Dick

Oh, but first, make me a spinach and fennel frittata.

Sally

(nods) Yeah, me too.