30 Rock · Season 4
Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"?
I have absolutely no idea.
Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk.
Oh my God, the dentist's office!
Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?
He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe!
It's like a black barbie doll in Arizona - nobody's buying it!
Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.
So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?
No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.
[annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the stuffy Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!
Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.
I feel like you've been saving that one.
Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!
That's not that much cheese.
I'm Jerem! I collect posters!
[On the phone]
Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.
What?
Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.
This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard!
Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.
Why is everyone codenamed Badger?
I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.
No, I said I didn't care.
Word of advice: If the will says you have to spend the night in a haunted house you better hope that everyone else there is black guys and sluts.
I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
Yes, please.
[Both turn to the moon]
I own you!
You dumb moon!
I walked on your face!
Don't you know it's day? Idiot!
I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.
I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics -- we're not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's 30 Rock pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
