Oleg Golishevsky quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Sophie

Guess what Oleg and I are going to do that will probably give me hep C.

Max

A threeway with Tommy Lee?

Sophie

No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos.

Oleg

We want something that represents our relationship. So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty during CSI: Miami.

Caroline

Wow, you two, his and her tats. Romantic and will help identify the bodies.

Sophie

Sure, you know, matching tattoos are the deepest expression of commitment.

Oleg

Well, matching tattoos and pooping in front of each other.

Sophie

I'm not gonna do it in front of my man. I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.

Sophie

I'm starting my own new business. So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't wanna clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?

Oleg

You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?

Sophie

Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.

Oleg

Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.

Caroline

That's not a business. That's nobody's business.

Max

Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.

Oleg

Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.

Caroline

We're out.

Sophie

Oh, don't decide yet, girls. You haven't even heard the cute little name—Sophie Kachinsky's Vagina Wigs!

Caroline

Yeah, we're really out.

Sophie

But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from va-China.

Caroline

Yeah, never been further out.

Caroline

[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.

Oleg

Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?

Sophie

Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.

Max

Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.

Oleg

Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Sophie

Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.

Oleg

Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.

Max

[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?

Han

No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.

Max

[pause] Preach.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.

Oleg

Dongs. The answer is dongs.

Sophie

C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.

Max

Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.

Max

Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...

Caroline

Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?

Max

He has two.

Caroline

Two what?

Max

Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand?

Caroline

Is that a thing that can happen?

Oleg

Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.