Max Black quotes from 2 Broke Girls

Bring your own brand, just like you did on your home tape. [to Max] You're edgy with big boobs, [to Caroline] you're the try-hard.

Caroline

I'm sorry, I'm the what?

That's your brand. The muscle and the hustle. The double-D's and the ditz. [leaves]

Caroline

I went to Wharton, I'm not a ditz.

Max

Well, you ain't the double-D's. Can you believe she openly commented on m'goods?

Caroline

[going through the mail] Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.

Max

Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.

Caroline

Oh, my God. My hand just touched the subway floor. How do I know someone didn't pee here?!

Max

Oh, honey, I've peed here. This is New York, it's made of pee.

Max

You should totally go for the hot guy.

Caroline

Or you can go for him. Let's think about this. He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type.

Max

Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type.

Caroline

[after throwing up at Andy's candy store] I finally meet an adorable, sweet guy. A guy so sweet, the word "sweet" is next to his name on actual real estate, and I completely destroy any chance I have with him.

Max

You didn't destroy anything. And it's good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.

Caroline

I've never dated poor, what is acceptable on a first date?

Max

Well, I'm pretty classy, so... anal?

Caroline

[awkward pause] I'm not that poor.

Got any words of wisdom for a kid trying to make it in the world?

Max

No, do you? Look, just know you're gonna struggle for a while. Someone's gonna ask you what time it is, and when you look at your watch, he's gonna put his penis on you. But like Dan Savage says, it gets better. Although it hasn't for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens. In short, there's really no point to anything, but sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex, and that's when it all feels right.

Caroline

[seeing the blood spatter on the walls of the soup kitchen] Oh, my God!

Andy

Oh, that's really gross!

Max

That's the greatest thing I've ever seen! Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, "Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!"

[rejecting Max as an egg donor] Thank you for your interest, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass.

Max

Why? I didn't have sex in Africa.

Yes, I know, that was your one plus, but under "family history," you put "drinking" and "secrets."

Max

I was being honest.

Yeah, maybe too honest, because under "education" you wrote, "Jeopardy! reruns."

Han

Caroline is late again. And she better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, 'cause sista, that crap ain't gonna fly.

Max

First of all, stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry movie. And secondly, [Caroline comes in without Han noticing] Caroline's here, she's in the kitchen.

Han

Oh, really? 'Cause when I was in there, you told me she was out here. You play me, fool.

Max

Stop talking like you're in a Tyler Perry sequel.

Caroline

What are you doing?!

Max

I forgot Andy was here! And your sex voice is the same as your murder voice!

Caroline

So are you just gonna stand there?

Max

Are you offering me a threeway?

Max

Well, it looks like we're about to be a full-blown orgy.

Caroline

Give me your guest names, I'll write them down.

Max

Okay, fine. Put down Tommy, Dylan, Robbie, Johnny—

Caroline

Robbie and Johnny?! Wait, Max, are these all your ex-boyfriends?

Max

Perhaps.

Caroline

Max, the invited guests were all supposed to be business contacts.

Max

See, this is why I didn't tell you sooner, you're a control freak. And for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business.

Caroline

You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends?

Max

Uh, yeah! That's what success is for, to say "suck it" to people who dumped you. "See my blown-out hair? Suck it! See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it! See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it."

I'm an alcoholic now, and I did a lot of stuff that wasn't cool, and I came here because the program says that I have to make almonds.

Max

"Almonds"? You mean "amends"?

Cool. So, look, I cheated on you behind your back, like, every day.

Max

Well, um, we don't have to go into all this now, it's kind of a big night for me.

And I stole money from you too, like, every time we had sex.

Max

But we had a lot of sex.

[chuckles] I know. Well, I stole a lot of money.

Max

Well, this just went from "suck it" to "it sucks," so lift up your shirt. I gotta get something out of tonight.

Max

[inhales sharply] Money well spent. [walks outside to talk to Caroline] Just found out I paid for more sex than an Arab businessman.

Andy

I came here to tell Caroline something kind of big.

Max

What? You have a secret family on Long Island?

Andy

No.

Max

You have hep C? D? One of the new heps?

Andy

No. I don't have any of the heps. Wow. Now, telling her I'm in love with her is just gonna sound boring.

Max

You're gonna tell her you love her?! Here in the diner?! [...] Andy, this isn't where you tell someone "I love you," this is where you tell someone their sex change looks passable.

Max

[about Andy] He was about to tell you he loves you.

Caroline

What?

Max

Just now, in the hall, and ice rink. He's been trying to tell you all week.

Caroline

But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in Central Park?

Max

Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog.

Caroline

Oh, my God! That's, like, my dream "I love you" scenario! Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Max

Because when it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner. And you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff, life isn't like a movie. Sometimes you're not a success right away. Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake. And sometimes you have to take your "I love you" whichever way it comes.

Caroline

You are so right. I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. My life's not a romantic comedy, I can do it my own way. Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding.