GThe Genius
Behold this humble entourage. Their heads are bowed in reverence at the very slightest whisper of one name.
Exalting in his splendor, which is altogether fitting of the people and the land from whence he came.
False monarchies are commonplace as kingdoms rise and fall. But I, the Genius, full of glory and reknown,
Say the Macho Man is everything that everybody, everywhere would ever, ever want to wear a crown.
I say this king deserves a queen beside him on the throne, and Sherri is the fairest in the land.
Nobody else is worthy of this monumental honor and regal splendor of his royal hand.
We witnessed the dethroning of one Jim "The Hacksaw" Duggan, whose crown and throne are in a state of ravage.
I now remove my mortarboard and place it near my heart, and thus proclaim you Macho King Randy Savage.
[as Mr. Perfect puts a royal robe on Savage] Look at this. Look at that robe.
And it says "King" on the back.
Wonder if the King's gonna share a few words with us.
Wait a minute. The Million Dollar Man has a gift. A gift worthy only of a king. So to you, the newly crowned Macho King Randy Savage, I give you this gift a king should never be without. This golden scepter. Solid golden scepter.
Looking at those two right now, you know who they remind me of? Two of my best friends: Harry and Leona Helmsley!
[Ted DiBiase, Slick and the Big Boss Man have left Jake "The Snake" Roberts handcuffed to the ring ropes, taking Jake's bag, which contains Damian and the Million Dollar Belt to the Brother Love Show.]
My, my, my, what do we have here?!
What we have here, Brother Love, is another shining example of what I've said time after time after time. There's nothing in this world that the Million Dollar Man's money cannot buy. Everything I want, I get; everything I pay for is delivered to me; and a long time ago, I bought and paid for the most beautiful championship belt ever created. $1 million worth of the purest gold and diamonds that you've ever laid eyes on. And you, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, you have the gall to stick your slithering, slimy hands on my belt, on my property, and stole something that didn't belong to you. And what do you do, Brother Love, when you're dealing with a thief? You go get the police! [Boss Man laughs...] And I went out and I bought [...then stops] the best police protection that money can buy. That's right, and I'd like to thank you, Slick, right here publicly for a job well done. You were very well paid, and the services were rendered; [to Boss Man] and you were very well paid, now it's time to deliver.
BBBig Boss Man
Wait a minute. What's this about money? What's this about a payoff?
SSlick
Wait a minute, brotha! I wouldn't call it a payoff. Let's just say Mr. DiBiase has given us a small token of his esteem. Let's just say a little donation.
BBBig Boss Man
"Donation"?! It doesn't sound like a donation to me! You told me I was gonna go out and retrieve stolen property; you didn't say nothin' about no payoff!
Wait a minute! What's going on here, Slick? Let me tell you something. I bought and paid for your services, now it's time to deliver. Boss Man, you have been paid, now it's time to deliver the goods! So stick your hand in the bag and pull out my belt and give it to me!
BBBig Boss Man
Well, wait a minute, you fat-faced punk! Nobody tells the Big Boss Man what to do!
Let me tell you something, Boss Man. It's not the money, because any man with any brains would not refuse the kind of money I'm giving you. What it is is you're just plain scared. You're just afraid to stick your hand in that bag and get my belt. So if you're scared, just say you're scared.
BBBig Boss Man
Look in my eyes, boy! Do I look like a man that's scared of anything?! Well, let me tell you something. I'm not scared of any beast, man or life, and I especially ain't scared of you! I'll tell you what, boy. I'm gonna show you what "scared" is; I'm gonna show what afraid.
[Reaches into the bag...]
What's he doing? He's going into the bag! Big Boss Man is going in the bag. He has the Million Dollar Belt
BBBig Boss Man
This is what your money bought and paid for. Well, if you want it, you're gonna have to get it the old-fashioned way—you're gonna have to earn it!
[Boss Man stuffs the belt back into the bag]
What?! Slick, what's he doing?!
BBBig Boss Man
I may be a lot of things, boy, but I can't be bought, and I sure ain't no thief!
Thank God, Hulkamaniacs! The first thing we have to do is thank Jack Tunney for expressing his executive privilege so quickly in putting the Ultimate Challenge together for WrestleMania VI! The last two weeks, Hulkamaniacs, have been like burning with the devil, brother. Everywhere I go, the little Hulksters wanna know, "Hulk Hogan, are we still the strongest force in the universe? Hulk Hogan, look at the veins of the Ultimate Warrior, look at his body, look at his eyes. Can we handle him?"
Thank God, Jack Tunney, you answered our dreams, brother. Me and all the Hulkamaniacs want this burden off our backs. We wanna know who really is the strongest force in the WWF. You know, Maniacs, this whole thing just doesn't seem real, man. It doesn't seem real. As I flipped through the pages of the WWF Magazine, and I see the Warrior's body, the veins, the hoses, the intensity. The guy just doesn't look real. And then when I think about the dude carrying the gods out on his shoulder into the darkness, the way he takes his opponents into the unknown, that just doesn't seem real.
But deep down in my heart, Hulkamaniacs, the training, the prayers, and the vitamins, everything we believe and stand for, in my heart, I can't believe that the darkness and the gods this brother talks about can beat us. That's why, Jack Tunney, if you'll let us, we'll also put the WWF Title on the line. We're not afraid to find out what the strongest force in the universe is. Ultimate Warrior, I fought for my dreams, in my nightmares, what would happen if you put me over your shoulders and tried to carry Hulk Hogan into the darkness. And then I realized, Warrior, with millions of Hulkamaniacs on my back, there's no way you could even budge us. But on the shoulders of the Hulkster, brother, there's an empty seat, Jack; and after WrestleMania VI, Ultimate Warrior, when you feel the power of Hulkamania, when you realize what the strongest force in the universe really is, I'm gonna put you in that seat, brother, and you'll be the #1 Hulkamaniac.
When you live by the sword, Warrior, you die by the sword, brother; and when you live by the war, I'm gonna wipe you out in this one, brother. What you gonna do when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroy you?!
UWUltimate Warrior
...with intensity as we prepare to deliver to YOU, HULK HOGAN. You have walked into a frustration like the normals that have traveled before us. There were great warriors, Hulk Hogan. There were warriors that made similar sacrifices, injected themselves with the poison of mankind, knowing that they would give it all, everything they had. The armies that followed them, the believers with no film over their eyes, they believed, Hulk Hogan, that the chance of one last battle was worth losing it all! You, Hulk Hogan, know belts, rules, regulations, normal things that normal people adhere to, mean nothing to me and the pack of Warriors that ride my back. You, Hulk Hogan, do not believe it is real. You, Hulk Hogan, have already made a mistake, for I, Hulk Hogan, am what made you breathe. I am the one that fed you with the life and the intensity so that the Hulkamaniacs can continue to feel the fury. For it was written, Hulk Hogan, that the Ultimate Warrior would come. And you, Hulk Hogan, you stood in the pathway. You stood in the pathway, Hulk Hogan. The deeper I went to the darkness, the closer I came to the light, and in that light, Hulk Hogan, there was a shadow! A man that had walls, walls in himself, not willing to give it all!
Hulk Hogan, I am reality! I am the frustration that your mankind has swept under the carpet for years! But Hulk Hogan, I've creeped out like a slime! I have been deeper than the devil you speak of, Hulk Hogan, and if I ever run into this devil, Hulk Hogan, then will be the time and place for him.
But at WrestleMania VI, Hulk Hogan, I bring you the Ultimate Warrior! I bring you the Ultimate Challenge! I bring you, Hulk Hogan, ultimate reality.
Hulkamaniacs, when I said that WrestleMania VI was more intense than all five WrestleManias put together, I meant it, brothers! Every workout that I train is more intense! The pressure on my back is more intense than ever before! And every minute that I try to sleep, my heart pounds like a drum! I feel Hulkamania's in danger right now, Hulkamaniacs. This is the ultimate test of all times. And when I get in danger, I go back to my roots, I go back to the instincts. That's why I went back to Gold's Gym in Venice Beach, California. The Power Pit. That's when I went to the magic mirror, and I said, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, is the Ultimate Warrior the one that's going to make the Hulkster rise and fall?"
Usually, I do not get a clear-cut answer, Hulkamaniacs. But this time, the magic mirror looked at me and said, "understand the natural balance in nature. You understand the food chain. You'll know if it happens. You'll know if it comes."
All of the sudden, Hulkamaniacs, I started getting worried. The mirror faded out. There were no more answers. That's when I realized that WrestleMania VI was the most important day for the rest of our lives because this will predict the future! Ultimate Warrior, if you're that teeny little Hulkamaniac that has trained and said his prayers and eaten his vitamins and finally rose to the #1 contender position, I don't recognize you, brother! Maybe that's why you wore the war paint, maybe that's why you cover your face, so I won't know who you are. But as we get into WrestleMania VI, and you feel the power of the largest arms in the world, and as I wipe that war paint off your face, Ultimate Warrior, if I realize that you are the new chosen one, I have an obligation to my Hulkamaniacs to fight with everything in my heart! My heart is strong like a lion, my arms are like the redwood trees in the forest, I have no faults, my thoughts, my mind, my soul is pure!
But Ultimate Warrior, it has been written, it has been said, and it shall be done at WrestleMania VI. And if I find out that you're the one that has to walk for eternity in my shoes, brother, let it be! But you got to prove to me, by beating me, and all my little Hulkamaniacs that you are the Ultimate Hulkamaniac! And if you're not, what you gonna do when the largest arms in the world run wild on you?!
UWUltimate Warrior
I, Hulk Hogan, have a question...to answer your question. As you, Hulk Hogan, travel to...WrestleMania...by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize all that is left is total self-destruction, do you, Hulk Hogan, show self-pity? DO YOU, Hulk Hogan, try to reason why? Do you, Hulk Hogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you?
Or do you, Hulk Hogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down. Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face the challenge. Dispose of them, Hulk Hogan. Assume the controls, Hulk Hogan. Shove that control into a nosedive, Hulk Hogan! Push yourself to total self-dstruction. As you realize, Hulk Hogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it, Warriors. Do you, Hulk Hogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Hulk Hogan, face the challenge that may be more powerful than even you are, Hulk Hogan!
You, Hulk Hogan, must self-destruct so that you will know, Hulk Hogan, who is...The Chosen One. FOR HULK HOGAN, I am not the Chosen One...that you speak of. I am not. I, Hulk Hogan, am...the only...one.
Not only do you now have a perfect World Wrestling Intercontinental Champion, but I would like to introduce my new manager, the perfect manager, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!
This week, President Jack Tunney made a statement regarding recent comments made by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude. Here's Mr. Tunney.
In light of the insidious and inflammatory remarks and unmentionable actions of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Ravishing Rick Rude, it is my decision as World Wrestling Federation President to indefinitely suspend Rick Rude from active participation in the WWF. It is furthermore my decision to censor Bobby Heenan from any and all remarks directed toward the Big Bossman's mother. In addition, Bobby Heenan must fulfill all of Rick Rude's single match obligations against the Big Bossman. Failure to comply with this order will resort in a lifetime suspension.
Now then, on the heels of that proclamation from Jack Tunney, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan had this to say.
BHBobby Heenan
I think there's something here you have to understand Mr. Tunney. Mr. Tunney, I didn't mean anything I said. It was a joke. I just made it out of a levity. I didn't mean anything about the Bossman's...she's a lovely woman, a wonderful woman. She doesn't look her age. But he should be proud to have a mother like her like that. I would be proud if she was my mother. But I can't get in the ring with the him. You don't understand, he doesn't want to wrestle me. He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me!
Was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan sincere? You be the judge. We're going to play the very same cut you've just seen but unbeknownst to Bobby Heenan, our Update cameras continues to roll. Take a look at the very tail end and look at the reaction of Bobby Heenan.
Bobby Heenan...He wants to finish me off. He wants to hurt me. So please Mr. Tunney, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to the fans and I'm sorry to you Bossman. Please, Please believe me! [walks away trying to control his laughter]
Mean Gene Quite obviously, Mr. Heenan not all that sincere. I'm very sincere when I say Ravishing Rick Rude is out, Bobby Heenan you're in, in to face the Big Bossman. In for what? Well you're the Brain, Bobby Heenan. You figure it out.
Behold, brothers and sisters! Behold, for the end is near! The tombstone is on the way! And the epitaph always reads the same.
"Here lies another opponent of Kane the Undertaker."
[The Undertaker is a guest on the Brother Love Show]
You see, brothers and sisters, the man who stands before you now is a man who requires love 24 hours a day! And Brother Love is unfortunately is a little bit too busy, what with bringing you my message of love every week, to give the Undertaker the management and the love that he deserves! So this week, I will present to you a man whose services I have obtained to guide the career of the Undertaker! And right now, I would like to present to you Brother Bearer! [A morose-looking man enters the show] Welcome, Brother Bearer. Now, Brother Bearer, what is your first name?
Paul Bearer! What better man to guide the career of the Undertaker than Brother Paul Bearer! [Brother Love looks around frantically] Why, brothers and sisters, I...I've just had a vision! I've just had a vision! I just saw, at WrestleMania, the Macho King Randy Savage defeating the Ultimate Warrior and ending his career! But Brother Ultimate, do not worry! Because as your career ends, right there will be Brother Macho King, Brother Undertaker, Brother Love, and Brother Paul Bearer. And as the casket lowers into the ground, and your career ends, and the last pieces of dirt are sprinkled on your casket, Brother Bearer will have these last words of wisdom.
Ultimate Warrior, may you rest in peace.
[Mr. Perfect is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]
Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.
Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
Vince and Roddy: His former manager?
What is going on here, folks?
Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as I enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.
And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.
[as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.
CCoach
Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!
RRRowdy Roddy Piper
You know what they say. If you can't do, teach; you can't teach, manage; you can't manage, coach. And if you can't do any of them, own, Vincent.
[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
When Damian was taken from me from [sic] the Earthquake, yes, I felt Death's ugly hand reach down and grab part of my soul. But that's a price the Earthquake must pay. But should Death ever come looking for me and knock upon my door, Mr. Paul Bearer, I will jerk that door open, look into his eyes, and I will spit in it, because I have something that rests upon my shoulder that will not let me fear Death.
Oh, Mr. Roberts, you're talking about your snake, aren't you?
No. I'm talking about Lucifer himself, the same one that rests upon your shoulder.
Oh, I've always had my suspicions about you. But you know and I know that every man, on his final walk to his resting place, must face the Undertaker. Even you, Jake Roberts.
The way I see it, the Undertaker, at this moment, has his hands very full.
Oh, but if you're talking about the Ultimate Warrior, that's no problem at all. We're just stringing him along 'til it's time to drop him in his final resting place.
Let me ask you this. How would you feel, and how would the Undertaker feel, if I shared the secrets of the darkness, and I shared the secrets of this cold, black heart, and the secrets of the Undertaker himself, with the Ultimate Warrior?
[scared] No, no, Mr. Roberts, you can't do that. You can't do that. Would you?
Would I? Yes, I would. And all that the Ultimate Warrior must do to understand the darkness and the cold, is to release, release all those fears of death. And secondly, he must do something that neither you or the Undertaker could ever do. And that's simply...trust me. Trust me, Warrior.
What I'm holding here is the belt that belongs to the real world's champion. Oh, no, not Hulk Hogan. Presently, the man that owns this belt is under contract to another organization. But in the future, he may be arriving in the World Wrestling Federation. If so, it would be my honor and privilege to be the advisor of this man. Now, you wanna compare this belt to Hulk Hogan's? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You wanna compare the man that wears this belt to Hulk Hogan? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You see, Hulk Hogan is the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The man that owns this belt is the real champion: Ric Flair.