All right ladies and gentlemen. With me at this time, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. Mr. Heenan, I must say you've been skeptical. Last week, you promised that you were going to produce Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff here and I truly want to compliment you.
Let me tell you something, I don't lie. If I say I'm going to have something here, I've got something here. I want to prove to you like I've said before that Mr. Wonderful will admit to you about Ravishing Rick Rude's body. He will admit that he is glad to have him in the family. Mr. Wonderful, please come on up here!
[Paul Orndorff comes up to the platform]
Well, here he comes, we will indeed get the word from Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff.
Mr. Wonderful, I want you to tell the people and set the record straight how glad you are that Ravishing Rick Rude is in the Bobby Heenan Family and that he has the greatest physique in the family, in wrestling, in sports today!
PPaul
You really want to know?
You tell him how you really welcome him with open arms, how you are blessed that I have him in the family. I've got Bam Bam Bigelow just about signed. Everything's going our way and how you approved of everything.
PPaul
You really want to know?
You tell the humanoids about Rick Rude's body. That he's got the best body. You've got a great body but his is like that much better. You tell them.
PPaul
You REALLY want to know?
PPaul
Hold on. Well I'm going to tell you what I think. First of all, Rick Rude does not have a better body than Mr. Wonderful! [takes off his robe] No!
No, no, tell them what you told me.
PPaul
And second of all, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired of lying to you, and lying to those people,...
Come on, get a hold of yourself!
PPaul
...and lying to myself!
Paul, I made you a star! I made you what you are today!
PPaul
You made me nothing but misery! Misery!
What about the family, Paul?!
PPaul
What about the family? I'm going to tell what I think of Rick Rude and the Bobby Heenan family! [spits] That's what I think! And I'm going to tell you something else! I'm going to tell you something else that you've heard before, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Hey, in case you didn't understand, read my lips, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
PPaul
And I'm going to tell you something else, I'm going to introduce to you my new manager, Oliver Humperdink!!!!
[Oliver Humperdink comes out and hugs Orndorff]
Paul, you don't know what you're doing!
The new manager of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, Oliver Humperdink! That's certainly a damaging blow to the stability of the Heenan Family!
[The Undertaker is a guest on the Brother Love Show]
You see, brothers and sisters, the man who stands before you now is a man who requires love 24 hours a day! And Brother Love is unfortunately is a little bit too busy, what with bringing you my message of love every week, to give the Undertaker the management and the love that he deserves! So this week, I will present to you a man whose services I have obtained to guide the career of the Undertaker! And right now, I would like to present to you Brother Bearer! [A morose-looking man enters the show] Welcome, Brother Bearer. Now, Brother Bearer, what is your first name?
Paul Bearer! What better man to guide the career of the Undertaker than Brother Paul Bearer! [Brother Love looks around frantically] Why, brothers and sisters, I...I've just had a vision! I've just had a vision! I just saw, at WrestleMania, the Macho King Randy Savage defeating the Ultimate Warrior and ending his career! But Brother Ultimate, do not worry! Because as your career ends, right there will be Brother Macho King, Brother Undertaker, Brother Love, and Brother Paul Bearer. And as the casket lowers into the ground, and your career ends, and the last pieces of dirt are sprinkled on your casket, Brother Bearer will have these last words of wisdom.
PBPaul Bearer
Ultimate Warrior, may you rest in peace.
[Mr. Perfect is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]
Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.
PBPaul Bearer
Did you say, "former"?
Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
Vince and Roddy: His former manager?
What is going on here, folks?
Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as I enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.
And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.
[as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.
CCoach
Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!
[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
When Damian was taken from me from [sic] the Earthquake, yes, I felt Death's ugly hand reach down and grab part of my soul. But that's a price the Earthquake must pay. But should Death ever come looking for me and knock upon my door, Mr. Paul Bearer, I will jerk that door open, look into his eyes, and I will spit in it, because I have something that rests upon my shoulder that will not let me fear Death.
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, Mr. Roberts, you're talking about your snake, aren't you?
No. I'm talking about Lucifer himself, the same one that rests upon your shoulder.
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, I've always had my suspicions about you. But you know and I know that every man, on his final walk to his resting place, must face the Undertaker. Even you, Jake Roberts.
The way I see it, the Undertaker, at this moment, has his hands very full.
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, but if you're talking about the Ultimate Warrior, that's no problem at all. We're just stringing him along 'til it's time to drop him in his final resting place.
Let me ask you this. How would you feel, and how would the Undertaker feel, if I shared the secrets of the darkness, and I shared the secrets of this cold, black heart, and the secrets of the Undertaker himself, with the Ultimate Warrior?
PBPaul Bearer
[scared] No, no, Mr. Roberts, you can't do that. You can't do that. Would you?
Would I? Yes, I would. And all that the Ultimate Warrior must do to understand the darkness and the cold, is to release, release all those fears of death. And secondly, he must do something that neither you or the Undertaker could ever do. And that's simply...trust me. Trust me, Warrior.
[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, Mr. Roberts, I've always had my suspicions about you, but now I realize we've been on the same side all along.
[wearing a black leather glove on one hand holding a cobra, periodically smacking it with the other] You know, Paul Bearer, life is tough, man. When you head down that long road, you gotta make a choice when you get to the fork in that road—whether you go the right way, or you go the other way, it's up to you. Well, I made that choice a long time ago, and I went the other way—my way. I can create my own rules, I can live life the way I want to.
Now, for those kids sitting at home listening to your mother and your father tell you, all you got to do is eat your vitamins and grow up and have children and live happily ever after, it's a lie. It's a lie. 'Cause what you've got to do is, every time you make a choice, it can be right or it can be wrong. What was the noise in the closet that night? What was that? What was that you heard behind you in that dark alley? Huh, was it me? What about when you put your feet off the bed? What was it? Did something grab a hold of ya? Remember that every time you turn your back, it can be someone just like me, waiting for you.
Now, you're wondering, why the glove? The glove will become a big part of me. When you carry a cobra, you have to be protected at all times. So whenever I step in that ring, this cobra will be in that corner, and so will this glove so I can handle it. So whoever I step into that squared circle with, you must remember that when you play with a snake, you can be bitten. And once bitten, I have proven it, you are no more.
So now, let's get to the real truth of the matter, and the truth is, Sid Justice, who the hell do you think you are?! Don't make the mistake of stepping into the ring with a snake, because if you do, you will be bitten like all the rest. And once bitten, once again I say, you are no more. I will wear the glove to protect me, Sid Justice. What on God's green earth will protect you?
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, Hulk Hogan, you don't know how right you were when you said the safety and future of all your little Hulkamaniacs is at stake. Oh yes, it is, and there's more at stake. It's going to be déjà vu for you. There'll be a funeral, they'll be lined up for miles. But they'll stand and look into the open grave and see the special casket my Undertaker's selected for you, and you'll be inside, and we'll be standing there with your belt.
The size of the grave will be big enough just for you, and all your Hulkamaniacs will be left untouched so they can suffer the rest of eternity, the fate of Hulk Hogan.
[Sensational Sherri is a guest of the Funeral Parlor]
PBPaul Bearer
Sherri, you look so lovely, so happy, so alive! Have you been to a funeral?
SSSensational Sherri
No, Paul Bearer, I'm on Cloud Nine. I've found the man of my dreams, Paul Bearer.
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, does this mean you're in love? Who's the lucky guy?
SSherri
Oh, Paul Bearer, I'm in love with a man that has long, blond, flowing locks. I'm in love with a man that has a body sculpture that even the Greek gods would envy. I'm in love with a man that has the most wonderful wrestling ability that any one person can be blessed to possess!
That could be me, McMahon.
SSherri
I'm in love with a man that even has an animal magnetism that makes my blood run hot! I am in love with Shawn Michaels!
PBPaul Bearer
Shawn Michaels?
SSherri
Yes! Shawn Michaels, now that he and Marty Jannetty are no longer a team or an item. Shawn has never needed Marty Jannetty. Never ever needed Marty Jannetty. And now that he's gotten rid of that deadbeat, he has all the time in the world to accept the love and everything that I have to give him.
PBPaul Bearer
Oh, but Sherri, what about the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase?
SSherri
My Teddy bear is a wonderful, giving, and very loving man. My Teddy bear has left the door wide open for me to return at any time I decide. And my Teddy bear has given me gifts that any woman in the world would dream of having. My Teddy bear only wants what makes me happy. And my Teddy bear knows that what makes me happy, is giving and sharing all of my wealth with Shawn Michaels.