Bobby quotes from WWF Superstars of Wrestling

What I'm holding here is the belt that belongs to the real world's champion. Oh, no, not Hulk Hogan. Presently, the man that owns this belt is under contract to another organization. But in the future, he may be arriving in the World Wrestling Federation. If so, it would be my honor and privilege to be the advisor of this man. Now, you wanna compare this belt to Hulk Hogan's? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You wanna compare the man that wears this belt to Hulk Hogan? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You see, Hulk Hogan is the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The man that owns this belt is the real champion: Ric Flair.

Well, the big noise you heard last week was not a sonic boom; it was everyone's jaw dropping when they heard the news that Ric Flair may be heading to the World Wrestling Federation, and I just might become his advisor. And Hogan, you should be a little concerned. You should be extremely concerned because you know it, I know it, and everyone knows that this belt belongs to the real world's champion: Ric Flair!

I promised it to you this week. I ain't gonna fool around, I promised-- (Jesse Ventura grabs the mic)

Hey, I got one thing to say Piper, my man is here. The man who I promised is here. What about you?

My man you're talking about?

My man's here.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the heavyweight champion of the world, Hulk Hogan! (Hogan comes out) My man is here!

I'm impressed and I don't impress easy. Now, for this discussion, may I present, fifteen years undefeated, the eighth wonder of the world, seven foot four, five hundred pounds, (Bobby Heenan leads Andre the Giant out) Andre-- woah! the Giant!

Wait! What's going on here? Hold on man. What are you doing with him? You guys aren't together, come on man. Andre, what are you doing here with Heenan? What's wrong? Andre, man, you can't be here with him. Don't you know what Heenan's done to me? To these people out here since you've been gone? It can't be so! Andre, listen to me, day one when I set my eyes on you brother, you're the reason why I got in professional wrestling. You were like a god to me, a role model! You can't be here with him man! You're the one who took me all the way from nothing to the world's title! Andre, you can't be with him man.

Let me tell you something--

No, no, wait one minute! You're the one who taught me man about respect for the fans, about helping the kids. You're the one who taught me good sportsmanship. You set the mold for me to follow man! What are you doing here with him?

I'll tell you what he's doing here with me. He's sick and tired of you and what you stand for! Let me tell you something Hogan, you're the one that for three years as world's champion used this man! You're also the varmint that made this man tick! I can't tell you what they think of! You used this man! They gave him a trophy, but no that wasn't good enough. It was a lower trophy than yours. But you had to walk out and steal that moment! You're so jealous of this man, you can't stand it! This is the man for fifteen years that is undefeated! But did you ever once--

No man, you're wrong! You're wrong, you're wrong! The day when I won the world title, he poured champagne over my head! It was like a bond of friendship. You're wrong Heenan!

Did you ever once, once in your life offer him a championship match? You laughed behind his back!

No Andre! Listen, it's not happening! Tell me it's not so man! Even you came here with him, you don't have to leave with him! (places his hands on Andre) It's not happening!

Take your hands off my shoulders!

He's got one more thing to say to you Hogan!

Look at me when I'm talking to you! I'm here for one reason, to challenge you for the world championship match in WrestleMania!

Andre, please no it's not happening man. We're friends! We're friends Andre, please!

You can't believe it? Maybe you'll believe this Hogan!

Andre, what are you doing man? You can't leave like this man! What are you doing Andre? You can't, my cross, the shirt! What's wrong with him man? He can't leave like this!

You're bleeding.

It's not, Andre come back man! You don't have to leave like this! What has he done?

You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Come. Come.

[after some discussion with everyone] Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We are here for the most auspicious signing for any title match in history as you all know. Let me introduce just for the record some of the dignitaries who are with us at this time for this historic event. First of all, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan representing the challenger, the eighth wonder of the world from Grenoble France, Andre the Giant. To my right, the heavyweight champion of the world from Venice Beach, California, Hulk Hogan and to my immediate left, the distinguished president of the World Wrestling Federation, Mr. Jack Tunney. Mr. Tunney, get on with the proceedings.

Would you please sign on the dotted line Mr. Roussimoff?

Woah, woah, woah, slow down here Mr. Tunney, Mr. president. A few things I want to go over with you first. When we had a discussion about this championship belt, I want a new championship belt.

That's agreed.

This one was made and designed for this human being and I use that term very very loosely. I want one made that will fit a man. Fit a giant of a man. Somebody that can represent the world of professional wrestling, not this man. [tosses the title aside] And another thing, I just want you to get something straight Hogan. Fifteen years, this man's gone undefeated. The three years you've been world's champion, you've talked behind his back! You've laughed at him! You never gave this man once an opportunity! Now, he's got that opportuni--

[pounds table] SIGN IT IF YOU'RE GONNA SIGN IT!!

Will you sign under his name Mr. Hogan?

I've signed a lot of things. Signed a lot of contracts, I never thought it would come to this. I thought it was you (Bobby) man! But it's both of you, you're both sick! You're both sick! If you had wanted a title shot, all you had to do was ask me. I'd a gave you anything man. Andre, you were bigger than the world title to me! Yeah, I'll sign it and I'll get your attention too at WrestleMania. When you tore my shirt off man, when you tore the cross, you tore the heart and soul out of all the little Hulksters man! Not just me! We're gonna get your attention man! We're gonna get your attention!

Now that you signed that contract, you think I told you everything I know in professional wrestling? But I didn't and believe me, WrestleMania III will be your last lesson. Et ça va vraiment me faire plaisir de le faire, crois-moi. Parce que pour la dernière fois...

Speak to me in English when you talk to me! As far as I'm concerned, it's not signed in ink, it's signed in blood!

If you want me to speak in English, I will speak in the ring at WrestleMania. Au Revior.

All right ladies and gentlemen. With me at this time, Bobby "the Brain" Heenan. Mr. Heenan, I must say you've been skeptical. Last week, you promised that you were going to produce Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff here and I truly want to compliment you.

Let me tell you something, I don't lie. If I say I'm going to have something here, I've got something here. I want to prove to you like I've said before that Mr. Wonderful will admit to you about Ravishing Rick Rude's body. He will admit that he is glad to have him in the family. Mr. Wonderful, please come on up here!

Well, here he comes, we will indeed get the word from Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff.

Mr. Wonderful, I want you to tell the people and set the record straight how glad you are that Ravishing Rick Rude is in the Bobby Heenan Family and that he has the greatest physique in the family, in wrestling, in sports today!

Orndorff?

You really want to know?

You tell him how you really welcome him with open arms, how you are blessed that I have him in the family. I've got Bam Bam Bigelow just about signed. Everything's going our way and how you approved of everything.

You really want to know?

You tell the humanoids about Rick Rude's body. That he's got the best body. You've got a great body but his is like that much better. You tell them.

You REALLY want to know?

I want to know.

Hold on. Well I'm going to tell you what I think. First of all, Rick Rude does not have a better body than Mr. Wonderful! [takes off his robe] No!

No, no, tell them what you told me.

And second of all, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired, I'm sick and I'm tired of lying to you, and lying to those people,...

Come on, get a hold of yourself!

...and lying to myself!

Paul, I made you a star! I made you what you are today!

You made me nothing but misery! Misery!

What about the family, Paul?!

What about the family? I'm going to tell what I think of Rick Rude and the Bobby Heenan family! [spits] That's what I think! And I'm going to tell you something else! I'm going to tell you something else that you've heard before, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Hey, in case you didn't understand, read my lips, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Get a hold of yourself!

And I'm going to tell you something else, I'm going to introduce to you my new manager, Oliver Humperdink!!!!

Paul, you don't know what you're doing!

The new manager of Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff, Oliver Humperdink! That's certainly a damaging blow to the stability of the Heenan Family!

Thank you! You know, in order to love, you must have a big brain. And speaking of brains, my guest this week is the biggest brain of the World Wrestling Federation. Please welcome my dear close personal friend, Brother Brain Bobby Heenan.

These two guys were made for each other.

Why do you say that?

Welcome, Brother Brain.

Thank you very very much. You know, I am just full of love. It's just bubbling out of me right now because you see, there's been some changes in the Bobby Heenan family. I'm going to increase the size of the Bobby Heenan family. What I'm going to do in the weeks and months to come is add new members. New members and do the most I can to spread love. And at this particular point in time, I am going to bring up a gentleman. Now this gentleman is the newest member of the Bobby Heenan family. Now, he's limited when it comes to wrestling, he's limited when it comes to size, he's limited when it comes to a won and loss record, but I'm going to make this man the next big superstar in the world of professional wrestling. And if the gentleman can come out right now, his name is Mr. Terry Taylor.

Thank you Brother Love, it's a pleasure to be here.

Now as you can see, the man is limited when it comes to size.

I'm not too small. I'm alright. About the right size.

But you're not big like Andre the Giant.

Nope, it's true. It's true.

And he's limited when it comes to being muscular.

I'm pretty muscular at 240 pounds.

But you're not cut up, you're not that strong like Ravishing Rick Rude.

That's true.

And you don't possess the ability of martial arts like the great King Haku.

That's true, but I'm a pretty good wrestler on my own.

But you're going to become better, and I don't know how much pain you can endure, what your threshold is, which is limited. I mean, your won and loss record isn't that great.

Well, I haven't lost 'em all!

But you haven't won 'em all.

That's true Brain, that's true.

And I am going to take you to the top of this great sport of professional wrestling. Because you see, as limited as you are, by not being that muscular, by not having a great great gift at this sport of wrestling. There is one thing though. One thing, one added factor, one ingredient that will make you a superstar, that will make you a great star and that is me! Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. So I suggest you follow me young man, follow me to stardom!

Now just how much love can one man have? Look at Brother Brain continuing to spread love! I loooove you! I looove you!

Will this guy ever stop smiling?

He's a happy guy.

And you say he's sincere. We'll be right back.

Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.

Did you say, "former"?

Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Oh, my goodness.

What is going on here, folks?

Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as I enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.

And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.

[as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.

Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!