Well, the big noise you heard last week was not a sonic boom; it was everyone's jaw dropping when they heard the news that Ric Flair may be heading to the World Wrestling Federation, and I just might become his advisor. And Hogan, you should be a little concerned. You should be extremely concerned because you know it, I know it, and everyone knows that this belt belongs to the real world's champion: Ric Flair!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
JJake
Let me relay a little story to you, so maybe you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. Once upon a time, there was a little rabbit hopping down the trail. And he looks out on the roadway, and a snake had been crushed by a car. Nearly dead, but not quite. And the rabbit hopped out, and he looked down at the snake, and he said, "Snake, I know you're hurt badly, and I'm gonna take you back to my den and help you, and I'm gonna nurse you back to health."
And the snake said, "oh, no, you can't do that. I'm a snake. I'm a snake, you can't do that."
"No, but I'm gonna make you my friend, Mr. Snake." So he did. And he carried that snake back to his den. He put him in his den, and slowly, but surely, he did nurse him back to health, just like the rabbit said he would. Then one day, the rabbit went out for a walk, for a little more water for the snake. He came back, the snake was gone. He turned around, and there was the snake in front of him! And the snake said, "Mr. Rabbit, I am going to eat you."
And the rabbit said, "oh, no, I'm your friend."
And the snake said, "in the very beginning, I told you I was a snake." And you, Ultimate Warrior, have to be the biggest, dumbest rabbit I've ever seen!
[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]
Oh, Mr. Roberts, I've always had my suspicions about you, but now I realize we've been on the same side all along.
JJake
[wearing a black leather glove on one hand holding a cobra, periodically smacking it with the other] You know, Paul Bearer, life is tough, man. When you head down that long road, you gotta make a choice when you get to the fork in that road—whether you go the right way, or you go the other way, it's up to you. Well, I made that choice a long time ago, and I went the other way—my way. I can create my own rules, I can live life the way I want to.
Now, for those kids sitting at home listening to your mother and your father tell you, all you got to do is eat your vitamins and grow up and have children and live happily ever after, it's a lie. It's a lie. 'Cause what you've got to do is, every time you make a choice, it can be right or it can be wrong. What was the noise in the closet that night? What was that? What was that you heard behind you in that dark alley? Huh, was it me? What about when you put your feet off the bed? What was it? Did something grab a hold of ya? Remember that every time you turn your back, it can be someone just like me, waiting for you.
Now, you're wondering, why the glove? The glove will become a big part of me. When you carry a cobra, you have to be protected at all times. So whenever I step in that ring, this cobra will be in that corner, and so will this glove so I can handle it. So whoever I step into that squared circle with, you must remember that when you play with a snake, you can be bitten. And once bitten, I have proven it, you are no more.
So now, let's get to the real truth of the matter, and the truth is, Sid Justice, who the hell do you think you are?! Don't make the mistake of stepping into the ring with a snake, because if you do, you will be bitten like all the rest. And once bitten, once again I say, you are no more. I will wear the glove to protect me, Sid Justice. What on God's green earth will protect you?
You know something, Hulkamaniacs? I can't lie to you, man. I'm worried because this is the gravest challenge I've ever had to face. I didn't understand why so many of my little Hulksters were shaking in fear just at the sight of the Undertaker and Paul Bearer, but now I understand. As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I woke up in a cold sweat, man. I had a nightmare of massive proportions! I saw Hulkamaniac after Hulkamaniac, single-file for miles and miles and miles, walking into a massive grave the size of a football field, man. I woke up, I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the World Title belt on my dresser. And I realized the fate, the safety, the future of each and every Hulkster is at stake. That's why, brother, the Grim Reaper that has risen in the site on your arm, Undertaker, is none other than Hulk Hogan in disguise. And what you gonna do when Hulk Hogan buries you?
Oh, Hulk Hogan, you don't know how right you were when you said the safety and future of all your little Hulkamaniacs is at stake. Oh yes, it is, and there's more at stake. It's going to be déjà vu for you. There'll be a funeral, they'll be lined up for miles. But they'll stand and look into the open grave and see the special casket my Undertaker's selected for you, and you'll be inside, and we'll be standing there with your belt.
The size of the grave will be big enough just for you, and all your Hulkamaniacs will be left untouched so they can suffer the rest of eternity, the fate of Hulk Hogan.
Last Tuesday in Texas, Hulk Hogan regaining the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt! I'm sure because of all of the goings-on and confusion at the conclusion of that match-up, that President Jack Tunney and the World Wrestling Federation right now has to be pondering, perhaps collecting his thoughts. If you saw that event on pay-per-view, you recall Tunney, true to his word, he was at ringside to observe firsthand. However, our president, not the most agile of individuals. He was upend...as a match of fact, I think his vantage point was somewhat skewed. I do recall, at the end of the match-up, Tunney was on his feet trying to get the referee's attention. Maybe he can shed some new light on all of this because standing by, let's hear from World Wrestling Federation President, the distinguished Jack Tunney.
As President of the World Wrestling Federation, I am fully aware that the decisions of this office are not always popular, and that this one will be no exception. However, I cannot stand idly by and take little or no action in the face of such grievous circumstances. This past Tuesday in Texas, during the Undertaker/Hulk Hogan Championship match, I witnessed with my own eyes what I believe was a flagrant and far-reaching oversight on the part of the referee. Now the referee's decision is final; I will not challenge his official decision. However, under these circumstances, I have little choice but to decree the WWF Title vacant, and to declare that the winner of the 30-man Royal Rumble will now become the undisputed WWF Champion. Furthermore, in regards to both the Undertaker and Hulk Hogan, and in respect to certain legitimate claims each can make to the WWF Title, it is my ruling that they be allowed to draw their entry number for the Royal Rumble only from numbers 20 through 30.
What?! Tunney putting the Title up for grabs at the Royal Rumble?! Well, that means 30 superstars are gonna be vying for the World Wrestling Federation Title. I have been told now that Hulk Hogan will have comments later on in this hour. With Update, I'm Gene Okerlund.
GOGene Okerlund
The purpose of this press conference is to announce just exactly whom of the top five contenders in the World Wrestling Federation will be challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title...just a second...at the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis on Sunday, April the fifth. Before we give that announcement, I would like to introduce to you the current World Wrestling Federation Champion, Ric Flair. Mr. Flair
RFRic Flair
[taking his place at the podium] WOO! Y'all tired of hearing that? Well, that's too bad because when you hear that noise, you know that the World Wrestling Federation Champion is on location. None of you like to know that, do you? But the bottom line is, I told everybody in the world of professional wrestling that I would win this, the most coveted trophy in this sport. And you know what? As I look around this room, I see five of the great WWF Superstars, but five guys that were in the ring with me the night I won this. As a matter of fact, there were 29 men in the ring the night I won this. So whether they like it, or whether you like it, it's too bad because everybody in the sport of professional wrestling knows that WrestleMania, the biggest extravaganza in sports today, looms on the horizon. And for Ric Flair, it means a defense, a title defense of this, the World Wrestling Federation Title. Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, the Undertaker, Randy Savage, Sid Justice, it doesn't make any difference to me. They were all in the ring the night I won this. So at WrestleMania, just as I walk in the Champion, I will walk out the Champion, and that's the bottom line. WOO!
With so many worthy challengers anxiously awaiting the shot at Ric Flair's World Wrestling Federation Title, choosing an opponent has been especially difficult. At this table up here are five of the challengers: Roddy Piper, the Undertaker; on my left, Sid Justice, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, and Hulk Hogan. Very hard to choose one. However, after careful consideration as well as examining the wishes of the public at large, I have reached a decision. Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed members of the press, challenging Ric Flair for the World Wrestling Federation Title at the Hoosier Dome at WrestleMania VIII will be...[Sid Justice stands up smiling]...Hulk Hogan!
Yes! Yes! Yes! [Sid sits back down seething] Hulkamania, I told you this thing would turn full circle, man. Now the battle lines are drawn. Ric Flair has the WWF Title. The so-called "real" world's champion is gonna find out what the power of Hulkamania is all about at WrestleMania VIII. And what you gonna do, Ric Flair, when Hulk Hogan and his little Maniacs run wild on you?!
SMSean Mooney
Macho Man, your reaction to President Jack Tunney's announcement.
RSRandy Savage
Well, I didn't like it! Bottom line, I wish it was the Macho Man Randy Savage, that's me, I like that, yeah. But since I couldn't get it, I just wanna let you know that there's a piece of me that realizes that Hulk Hogan probably should've got the nod anyway, being honest, okay. So Hulkster, good luck. We've been competitors against each other in the past, but I guarantee you're a good friend, and I respect you. Go against Ric Flair at WrestleMania and do the thing! Ooh yeah, Hulkamania lives, dig it?!
SMSean Mooney
Sid Justice, you were obviously not pleased...
SJSid Justice
Shut up, AND YOU ALL SHUT UP! I wanna say something. What happened at Royal Rumble, it was simple. I was the last man standing! I would be the World Champion if it wasn't for you, Hogan, pulling me out from outside the ring. Now, what you did, Jack Tunney, was BOGUS! The most bogus act you've ever pulled off! Well, I wanna ask you, what is it? Is it because I'm not a big movie star like Hulk Hogan, the big Immortal One himself? Is it because Sid Justice is the newcomer? Well, I wanna tell you something, Hulk Hogan. You couldn't beat Ric Flair on your best day, but I can. Why? Because Sid Justice rules the world.
[Sensational Sherri is a guest of the Funeral Parlor]
Sherri, you look so lovely, so happy, so alive! Have you been to a funeral?
SSSensational Sherri
No, Paul Bearer, I'm on Cloud Nine. I've found the man of my dreams, Paul Bearer.
Oh, does this mean you're in love? Who's the lucky guy?
SSherri
Oh, Paul Bearer, I'm in love with a man that has long, blond, flowing locks. I'm in love with a man that has a body sculpture that even the Greek gods would envy. I'm in love with a man that has the most wonderful wrestling ability that any one person can be blessed to possess!
That could be me, McMahon.
SSherri
I'm in love with a man that even has an animal magnetism that makes my blood run hot! I am in love with Shawn Michaels!
Shawn Michaels?
SSherri
Yes! Shawn Michaels, now that he and Marty Jannetty are no longer a team or an item. Shawn has never needed Marty Jannetty. Never ever needed Marty Jannetty. And now that he's gotten rid of that deadbeat, he has all the time in the world to accept the love and everything that I have to give him.
Oh, but Sherri, what about the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase?
SSherri
My Teddy bear is a wonderful, giving, and very loving man. My Teddy bear has left the door wide open for me to return at any time I decide. And my Teddy bear has given me gifts that any woman in the world would dream of having. My Teddy bear only wants what makes me happy. And my Teddy bear knows that what makes me happy, is giving and sharing all of my wealth with Shawn Michaels.
GOGene Okerlund
Hi again, everyone. As you know by now, World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney has made a ruling, and he has issued the following statement. Let me read.
"Due to the accusations made by Sid Justice alleging favoritism, as well as his recent actions in the ring, it is the decision of this office that at WrestleMania, there be not one, but two main events. The World Wrestling Federation Champion Ric Flair will defend his title against the now #1-ranked contender, Macho Man Randy Savage. While in the other main event, Hulk Hogan will be meeting Sid Justice."
Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. By the way, there's a great deal of speculation right now suggesting that President Tunney will be naming a special guest referee for that Hogan/Justice matchup on Sunday April the 5th at WrestleMania VIII.
President Jack Tunney, you've made a lot of decisions here in the World Wrestling Federation. This time, you've stepped on me and the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The decisions you made don't sit pleasant with us.
Savage, chance of a lifetime. Don't let it pass you by.
RFRic Flair
The first mistake you ever made, Tunney, was when you attempted, through video distortion, to destroy my credibility as the greatest champion of all time. Now I stand here before you with the World Wrestling Federation Title, Hogan gone, and Savage in.
We all know Savage has been the Champion. We all know he's one of the greatest WWF superstars, a track record second to none. But we also know that Ric Flair is the man of the hour. Ric Flair is the man with the World Wrestling Federation Title. And Randy Savage, we know something else you don't know.
Dateline: Denver, Colorado. Recently, the Legion of Doom were scheduled to defend their Tag Team Titles against the Natural Disasters. However, prior to that matchup, Jimmy Hart, the manager and spokesman for the Natural Disasters, contacted WWF President Jack Tunney to inform him that one of the members of Legion of Doom had been injured in a previous match with the Natural Disasters. He added that, in the interest of fairness, perhaps Mr. Tunney should consider the Legion of Doom defending their titles against a different tag team—in this case, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his partner, IRS. Now, this request, according to Jimmy Hart, came with the full consent and support of the Natural Disasters, who, again according to Hart, only wished to take on the Legion of Doom when LOD was once again at their full 100% capacity. President Tunney agreed.
And the result is, we have new World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions in the Million Dollar Man and IRS! However, as this story unfolds, it now appears clear that Jimmy Hart took dirty money from the Million Dollar Man to maneuver, to manipulate the Natural Disasters out of their rightful #1 contenders position. The whole thing, folks, was a setup. A sting, a scam, a con, if you will. The Natural Disasters, understandably, have unloaded Jimmy Hart. They have categorically denied ever giving him consent to do anything on this matter. They never knew a thing about it. And of course, World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney can't change the referee's official decision. However, he has ruled that on April 5th at WrestleMania, the very first mandatory title defense by the Million Dollar Man and IRS, now managed coincidentally by Jimmy Hart, will in fact be against Earthquake and Typhoon, the Natural Disasters.
[Jake "The Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]
JRJake Roberts
[to the Undertaker] You and I have a real problem. Now I'm standing here, if you can tell me something, face-to-face, just who in the hell do you think you are, and whose side are you on? You tell me, whose side are you on?! [Undertaker takes the urn from Paul Bearer's hands] Come on! Tell me! Tell me whose side you're on! Face-to-face, come on! Make up your mind, man. Make it up.
Not yours.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's WWF Superstars of Wrestling pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.